MSFIGGY
20,000-24,999 SparkPoints 22,752
SparkPoints
 

Dealing with Stress - BEFORE- AFTER

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

I been thinking of writing this earlier but I chose to wait for sometime to pass to make sure the strength I felt is not a temporary moment feeling, neither just a hormonal change....
So in this almost 3 months of uncertainty and so many stress factors I had to experience, I wanted to write down to remember in the future how I changed...
This was not the first time I experienced stress, but definitely I felt different than before...

Being on Sparkpeople, and getting this amazing positive vibe and even online care helped me so much 'cause every single positive word I received was a happy pill for me... I sincerely appreciate all who been there for me and didn't leave me alone...

I know I post a lot about my father's pass away, but I knew things won't be the same anymore, when he is gone... I knew I will have to deal with issues all alone, and i guess he knew too, that's why he left me the last message saying "Remember, everything is temporary and will pass" as he was understanding me the best comparing to the people's understanding around me... I ain't complaining but it is a proven fact we understand things different from some other people... And i accepted that's ok... Even this doesn't hurt me anymore...

BEFORE - I used to close my door, go to bed early and cry for hours, and repeat this for days or weeks, I used to feel right to reward myself with junk food or used to lose appetite and starve for days, most of the things I experience was making me feel like they're pushing me away from my goals, my happiness, myself and life... Like the whole life is against me...

AFTER - I realized I don't even have to explain myself for any opposite opinion I have, I ACCEPT the truth that I'm alone in many of my thoughts and life journeys...I learned to CHANGE MY FOCUS TOWARDS MYSELF, instead of focusing on negative sides of situations and people...I learned to train myself to not give my energy to those negative voices. Yes those people or situations were not the most enjoyable but I learned to SEE THE BEST OUT OF WORST, by being self-centered not Selfish, and I started saying HOW CAN I GROW or BECOME a BETTER ME from this bad situation...

BEFORE - When I had a stress factor I was feeling a big need of recognition and confirmation so I was needing to tell the problem to everybody around me and all, but by the time I realized it was not that necessary cause what I thought and felt mattered the most...

AFTER - I feel more confident, I analyze my thoughts by asking WHY do I think this way and WHY do I feel this way, I face the inner problem behind my feelings and I make steps according to correcting myself, and since I know I'm trying and doing my best I feel much more confidence in myself, that I need no one to confirm my thoughts, feelings or behaviors, cause I CONFIRM MYSELF. And I chose to contact only where I know i'll get positive comments.

BEFORE- It was bothering me so much why am I experiencing more difficult things than people around me, why do I pull negativity to myself, or why the most difficult situations find me that when I tell about my situations nobody knew what to do about it, I was feeling so unlucky with bad luck or something...

AFTER - I BELIEVE, I'm strong and more I realize my weaknesses or more I ask questions to learn, God is sending me some experience to learn the answer myself.... And training me to get stronger in those weaknesses... Also I believe I make mistakes by being selfish or I may act with my ego other than my heart, and God wants me to immediately recognize it and correct my mistake, cause I know I asked God to help me to stay my pure self without being like anybody else...

BEFORE - I avoided people, isolated myself, to figure out by myself.. But it only made me feel even worse..

AFTER - I didn't talk about my issue, didn't need, neither wanted to remember again, neither keep it alive in my imagination, or worry about what people around me will say, but I just joined family activities and that kind of stuff, just to pull some positive energy and love towards myself...

BEFORE- I'd freak out think and think and talk, and try to find answers and get lost in worries...
AFTER - I've kept that mouth shut, only here I talked and with very few people who I knew could support, and I avoided over thinking. I avoided judging myself, going back in my imagination and check again and again, this time I've thought before I made a step and I made sure I'm doing my best, and I left it all to God... by believing in myself that I did my best...

At the beginning of this summer the stressful days started because of the war going on in the border city, and role our country took to attack... Working at the most critical military base in this process, as a civilian but have to obey military rules and being affected by the security conditions is a high stress factor...It's not easy to focus on positive when the bomb carrying planes flying at the top of your head everyday, and when every single person on the street is a possible live bomb...

Also this last 3 months after I reported my supervisor from sexual harassment and power abuse, also another person, my leadership kept me away from them during the investigation... I was so frustrated, impatient, mad, also sad, and felt so alone at this new place. And because of this case the people who are responsible with me avoided me like I did something wrong, but i was lucky in this new office few people who worked here tried to be friends with me... At home a few times I tried to let family know what's going on but I only wanted to let them know how i feel, so they don't take it personal, also I needed patience with me... So I informed them only that much....I didn't even want to explain all going on too detailed cause I had that feeling deep down inside... "I got this.." I cried when I had to, but didn't let the tears make me give up on struggling for my rights... I felt drained tired and done, but I knew I had to keep going... So did I...

I won't be able to pass without thinking, the office they sent me to keep me safe is the office where the man I was so in love with worked 2 years ago, and I was coming here to see him every time and we were having long deep talks about how to overcome difficulties in life, and all kind of thought that was making me love him even more, but at the end he got a girl pregnant and got married with a bad attitude against me.. So mean while I was emotionally trying to get over him too and they placed me in his office...A few weeks later I've figured his baby was born on my birthday... I was getting even more confused and sad...

And meanwhile I had stay away from the massage chair I was using almost everyday to deal with my anxiety. Cause I wasn't allowed to go back to my office.

I went for long long walks, I made sure I am making my meal plan, and even we/our bags get checked in xray machines every day and night, and so many things are forbidden to bring to work, the first few days I couldn't manage, after a week I managed bringing food from home and not starve..I knew this is the time I HAVE to take care of myself to be able to think right...

Even if I didn't have chance to find a place in the nature I just looked at pics, practiced deep breath, meditation and tried to silence my head..

I noticed I'm experiencing anxiety and depression, and when feeling like this I had to get on the plane (4 planes) to go to the States for a Health Conference about my job, and it was sooooo damn hard to be able to breath on that plane, flying for more than 24 hours going and 2 days coming back... The plane was shaking bad because of the weather and I was flying to Houston that day when Patricia Hurricane happened.... Guess how my anxiety felt... and when I arrived I had dress up, look nice, meet this new people who are dietitians, and Health Pro's looking fit and healthy (some were over-weight) and all those subjects I had to learn in English, my second language...
But again I focused on me... I put the healthy eating as my priority and I went out and tried to have fun as where I am... When I stepped out from the hotel room on the street, a truck passed by saying this on it " There is no other time than Present Moment" ...I was like ... Thank you...

Meanwhile I had a new supervisor who is a military and had no idea about my situation, this base, nor my civilian rules, and kind of gave me hard time and I had to deal with trying to find solutions too, but even tho I felt so tired and felt close to give up, cause it felt like this will never end, I had to defend myself, search, ask, and look for someone who can help me... I had to keep going...

Also, I figured I still have the iron deficiency which I thought I was over years ago, and it is extremely low adding to PCOS side effects I am already suffering from... I asked, I searched and I had more awareness about myself and I keep going...

To just sit in the nature and feeling like you're the part of it with perfections and imperfections made me feel a whole with the universe... I tried to apply this practice at everywhere I am, in the bus, at work, at shopping, etc... There were few people and places that I felt I don't belong to so I avoided them...
Also installed subliminal works on my iphone and some nights I fell asleep listening them. When I say listening, listening prayers and PRAYING itself is actually been my the bestest friend when I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunel...

In the end.... I accept, stress is just another EMOTION as a result of Life...So I gave up trying to create a perfect, stress free life and struggle against it, instead I learned to let it be... I learned to grow myself instead and train myself to know me better instead of trying to change life or people, to live a peaceful life...

I've accepted PEACE is inside me and my tries is keep it alive, no matter what happens. That is a fact there is negativity, less or more but it can affect me only much as I let it....

Be strong, and love yourself...


Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
 

More Blogs by MSFIGGY