life in recovery, day #4

Monday, November 16, 2015

November 16, 2015
Today’s musing have all been about self worth. My supervisor told me during my evaluation that she sees me as having low self esteem. Is the weight a symbol of low self esteem? My personal philosophy is that I am a unique creation, we all are, we are all amazing. Rabbi Eckstein states ”However, when we recognize that we are a unique, indispensable part of God’s creation, deliberately brought to life at this very time in history, then we are naturally catapulted into a purpose-driven life. We know that we matter. We know that God cares. And we know that we were placed here for a purpose; it is our privilege and responsibility to fulfill it”. If I believe this, and I really do, don’t I deserve a life of recovery, of health? Of balance? I believe that my purpose to live a life of recovery. How sad that it took me 47, almost 48 years to learn this. I remember the college roommate telling me how wonderful I would be at helping people come to grips with their food issues, since I was coming to grips with mine. Except I ran from that purpose. I ran from that glimpse into OA, and fled into a decade of alcohol, drugs, promiscuity. And then I buried it in parenting, career, family work. All the time, at the back of my head was the thought that I was made for more. But first I have to accept my brokenness. It’s a ironic paradigm, in learning about how broken I am, I learn my true purpose. If we try to see what is good in others and to accept what is broken in ourselves, we will come closer together, accepting one another as human beings created and loved by God. This spiritual growth is a double movement: growth in wonderment and growth in humility.
-from The Gospel of John, The Gospel of Relationship
And yet, less is more is the theme of the meditation today “Because we are all one in Christ, more stuff will never soothe our hearts while our brothers and sisters throughout the world continue to suffer hunger, neglect, and inhumane poverty. When one of us suffers, we all suffer. Abundant possessions cannot shield us from this inner sadness of the soul.”

Today finds me at home, with a cold that I decided not to pass on to babies. I am upset that my dog has decided to escape. He usually comes back within an 4, but it's been since 7:30 this morning, and here it is after 1...It's a cold windy gray day. But this is life in recovery, not just the happy days of insight and charmed life,but days of laundry, blistery cold and grayness. I want to eat. I want to feel warm inside. Waiting for the compulsion to pass.
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    I had to google low self esteem... because I honestly couldn't decide if I perceive you as having low self esteem, or not.

    When you write (your internal experience, how you want your world to be... you are very charismatic), I don't see you as having low self esteem at all, but when I consider the chaos that swirls around you, I'd have to say that your supervisor might be right... then I read the definition, and it became clear:

    "Low self-esteem refers to a negative perception about one's worth. It is often characterized by a lack of confidence, negative thinking, and difficulty making decisions and communicating one's needs effectively."

    For whatever reason, Kate, there is huge schism between what you believe and what you do, and what you do doesn't reflect who you are inside, and who you really want to be.

    Does your weight contribute to the perception of low self-esteem? Maybe (but there are lot of heavy people who do not come across as having low self-esteem), but I doubt it. I think it has a lot to do with your approach/expression of boundaries. I also think that underneath it all, you don't esteem yourself enough (your true needs, wants, dreams, convictions) to set the sort of boundaries that would move you forward into the life you want.

    People of high self-esteem live their lives motivated by determination, rather than catering to their fears. Their lives are purpose-driven, not need driven, because they are already confidently, constructively, effectively and directly meeting their needs. Trying to get your needs met indirectly is exhausting, and leaves nothing left over with which to live any sense of purpose.

    I suspect your supervisor sees you identifying too strongly with your clients (thus the criticism of your 'bad' boundaries and the perception that you have low-self-esteem)... though I suspect that this is actually part of what makes you really good at your job (you get for clients that which you deeply desire for yourself on an emotional level)... and if you could harness that ability to identify with others within clear and effective boundaries, you could be even better at what you already do welll... not to mention what it would do for your personal life.

    "Miracles happen within the lines."


    P.S. I'm sorry about your dog and the cold... I hope the cold leaves quickly, and that the dog returns even faster. I loved the St. John quote. THANK YOU!

    Joan of Arcadia (sadly there were only two seasons):


    1465 days ago

    Comment edited on: 11/25/2015 9:29:44 PM
    Hope you find the strength to wait through those desires that are most of the time lies to ourselves or a need for something else.
    1465 days ago
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