life in recovery, day #4
Monday, November 16, 2015
November 16, 2015
Today’s musing have all been about self worth. My supervisor told me during my evaluation that she sees me as having low self esteem. Is the weight a symbol of low self esteem? My personal philosophy is that I am a unique creation, we all are, we are all amazing. Rabbi Eckstein states ”However, when we recognize that we are a unique, indispensable part of God’s creation, deliberately brought to life at this very time in history, then we are naturally catapulted into a purpose-driven life. We know that we matter. We know that God cares. And we know that we were placed here for a purpose; it is our privilege and responsibility to fulfill it”. If I believe this, and I really do, don’t I deserve a life of recovery, of health? Of balance? I believe that my purpose to live a life of recovery. How sad that it took me 47, almost 48 years to learn this. I remember the college roommate telling me how wonderful I would be at helping people come to grips with their food issues, since I was coming to grips with mine. Except I ran from that purpose. I ran from that glimpse into OA, and fled into a decade of alcohol, drugs, promiscuity. And then I buried it in parenting, career, family work. All the time, at the back of my head was the thought that I was made for more. But first I have to accept my brokenness. It’s a ironic paradigm, in learning about how broken I am, I learn my true purpose. If we try to see what is good in others and to accept what is broken in ourselves, we will come closer together, accepting one another as human beings created and loved by God. This spiritual growth is a double movement: growth in wonderment and growth in humility.
-from The Gospel of John, The Gospel of Relationship
And yet, less is more is the theme of the meditation today “Because we are all one in Christ, more stuff will never soothe our hearts while our brothers and sisters throughout the world continue to suffer hunger, neglect, and inhumane poverty. When one of us suffers, we all suffer. Abundant possessions cannot shield us from this inner sadness of the soul.”
Today finds me at home, with a cold that I decided not to pass on to babies. I am upset that my dog has decided to escape. He usually comes back within an 4, but it's been since 7:30 this morning, and here it is after 1...It's a cold windy gray day. But this is life in recovery, not just the happy days of insight and charmed life,but days of laundry, blistery cold and grayness. I want to eat. I want to feel warm inside. Waiting for the compulsion to pass.