Life in recovery, Boundaries.
Sunday, November 15, 2015
The fabulous Dr. E has asked that I focus on boundaries. I have come under fire at work for having "BAD boundaries" I counter that I have an open, rather than a closed system of boundaries. Ruminations on boundaries are below. Part of the exercise if figuring out how my :"open system" contributes to my addictions.
OPEN Boundaries. I share about my day, and you share about yours. I talk about what bothers me. I talk about what I am struggling with. I seek other’s opinions when I need to make up my mind about something. I process verbally and out loud. I am curious; I want to know what people are struggling with, what I can help with. Some open boundaries can look like gossip. I am a helper, if you have need, I try and fix. Open system parenting means I talk to me kids. Learned lately that my kids have not always answered honestly. Open system parenting means I trust them to do the right thing. Cynthia says I am too indulgent with my kids as a result of my open boundaries. My kid"s needs and wants come first, I put myself second. Open boundaries affects the budget. I want to spend freely, hate the constraints. Open boundaries means the chores never get done, without harassment. Open boundaries means that in college I lent my car out, then was pissed when my radio station was changed. An open boundary with food has meant that if it’s in the refrigerator, I eat it. My college roommate was forced to hide food from me. Sometimes work goes behind a 9-5 schedule, I adapt to whatever time the caregiver needs. I will work early mornings and or into the evenings. I put work scheduling first. I often say I have to work late instead of faith group. I never say no. I don’t compartmentalized. I see awful things at work, and come home and hug my kids. Work flows into my life. I see clients as "there by the Grace of God go me". I am not opposed to giving clients things that I have extra of. I can accept gifts, realizing that there is a cultural reason behind most gifts given to me as a social worker. I see situations as fluid. I try to be non-judgmental, accepting. I am open, vulnerable, and I get hurt. I never seen to learn that people will hurt me, and I do it again and again. I am trusting that people have my good interests at heart. I friend people on facebook, foster parents, ex=clients, friends, friends of my children.
How I see Closed boundaries.
I never share how my day was, my reflections are private and I don’t seek other’s input. My decisions are divisive and final. I don’t change my mind. My life is boxes, with family in one, work in one. Family isn’t invited into work. Work doesn’t flow over to family. I come in a 8, I leave at 5. I don’t share what’s going on with other people, I hold my plans to myself. I stick to a plan, even if it’s not working. I avoid social situations because they might be “clients” I am afraid of clients, I see them as below, or separate. I wont accept gifts, citing them as unethical to take gifts. I hide behind the NASW ethics code. I only pay attention to my cases, and I don’t care if they flow into someone’s cases, unless I can get something from them. I see a closed system as judgmental. You say it’s discerning. I assume the worst in people. I use a fake name on Facebook.
I would do better in recovery if I stuck to a meal plan, and was happy with it. I would do better in life if I could stick to a budget. I would fit in better at work if I didn’t need to share my day, hear about yours.
Ok, Sparkers... there it is, my therapy assignment. Please weigh in on the question about boundaries and addiction.