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long lost teddy bear

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

I'm about to write about something very personal, and I'm probably going to delete this, maybe even right after I post it. My son just came in the living room with my childhood teddy bear and said, "mom isn't this yours". I slept with that bear for years, but the thoughts that flooded my head tonight, when I just saw it, were of the night I put him in a drawer. I was 16 and a very naive 16 year old. I had just gone on a date where I said "no", but was then over powered. I came home feeling dirty. I didn't want my bear to know I was dirty, so I put him in a drawer. I never slept with him again. Then I gained weight. Then I gained more weight. Then I was fat. I hid out in my fat suit a long time. It's not uncommon for women with stories like mine to be obese. It's not always a calories in and calories out issue. Sometimes it's a "I'm broken and I don't know how to heal" issue. I had a whole slew of issues. I had to fix things in my head before I could fix my body. Once, while I was initially losing, my neighbor called me "hot", and I went home and found myself halfway through a box of cookies. I had to stop and ask myself "what are you doing Jeannie?". I realized the flattery made me uncomfortable. Then I had learn how to handle flattery and flirting without wanting to go hide again. It's amazing how one night when I was 16 could start this snowball that effected so much of my adult life. Tonight, I think I'm going to sleep with my teddy bear because there is nothing wrong with me. Tomorrow I'm going to flaunt my curves. The only thing wrong with me is I've dated some f****ers and I let them put out my spark for a while. I have my spark now and I will never let anything have so much power over my life again.
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