It's Been a ROUGH Year. My story.
Saturday, October 24, 2015
October 28th of last year was the start of a whirlwind of changes that, I admit, most people attempt to spread out a bit through life, but I guess that wasn't my destiny.
A year ago, I was forcing myself through my last year of college in my thirties, in a very homework intensive program. Seven months before graduation, I got a phone call offering me a full-time position in coding at a local clinic, that was impossible to turn down and answered a few of my life questions, such as, where I was going to end up. I was thankful and quickly started working 40 hours a week as a coder and continued school full-time and taking care of my dad, who's health had been failing.
Just as I was getting the hang of never sleeping, my dad's health took a turn for the worse. It was right after Christmas, and suddenly my dad was in the hospital, and a day later I sat by his side as he found out that his body was not going to bounce back this time; that he was in real trouble; that his congestive heart failure was going to get worse instead of better this time; that his kidneys, which were already diseased were getting worse; that his frail frame of 105 pounds was losing it's battle..I sat there and listened and supported my dad when he turned to me and told me that he could not longer fight and needed to go into hospice. It was something I already intuitively knew, but I calmly got up and called my family to come and see our dear dad, because he was dying.
It was such a cold day. Well below zero; a typical January day in Minnesota. But I was numb to it as they transferred him to the nursing home. And there, I sat by his side for a week, hardly leaving the room. I felt I was being called to do it, to take care of my father these last few days, to make sure things were calm and to help him through the process. And then he was gone. And my heart was broken.
On January 12,2015, my dad died, leaving me parentless at 34. (My mom died of cancer when I was 22.) In some strange way, I almost feel like an orphan, like my heart has been ripped out when I realize the things they will never experience in my life, and like my safety net has crumbled.
My dad died on the first day of my last semester of college.
I was so tired, grieving both my parents at this point, and I have no idea how I succeeded in graduating. I hardly slept, and I was so burnt out by graduation that I still don't want to open a book. But I did it, with high honors, a bittersweet moment, as all my peers and their families congratulated one another and I stood there, alone. Ya, sure, I had friends there, and my older sister came and watched me graduate, but there was an emptiness there that again, I cannot explain, but it is very much part of the grieving process.
Two weeks later, I was signing papers for my very first house. Another bittersweet moment. I never thought it would happen for me, as times had always been tough in my life, but the last ten years had been one heck of a challenge emotionally and physically, but by June I was living on my own.
As things started to slow down, I found my anxiety creeping up, and started having more frequent panic attacks. It wasn't so much living alone that has been the issue, but it's like my body was catching up to emotions. It was decompressing.
It's been a whirlwind, and I have to admit, as all of this has happened this year, my weight has started to creep up. Now I am no where near where I had begun, but I lost some progress. I've already started to lose some of it, though, thankfully.
I decided to start to "live" again and go out and enjoy life, something I haven't really done in years. I went to the shelter and found a dog, a beautiful white german shepherd that has never known a kind human. One that had been abused and neglected,and was so skinny that you could see her ribs and hip bones, could not walk very far without having to have a rest, and was so shy and meek in the kennel that people would just pass her by. But when I saw her, and she saw me, we had an instant connection. Together in these last few months, we have grown. She is almost at her normal weight, and has gotten super strong. This dog that wanted absolutely NO attention from anyone at the beginning of July loves everyone and everything. She forces my to be more social, smile when I am sad, and exercise when I don't feel like it. We saved each other.
So forgive me, friends, for not being on here much in 2015. If you would have told me last October that this is where I would have been a year later, I would have laughed. A lot of bad, but a lot of good, too, and it is slowly soaking in. I hope you are all doing well and wish you the best of luck on this weight loss journey.