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Won't Back Down!

Friday, October 16, 2015

It's the first time I've been able to enjoy the changing weather. Oh this wonderful fall weather with coloring leaves and a short sweet breeze from time to time. I don't know how I was never able to enjoy it before. But oh, I really do… it was because of depression.

It's been 2 weeks since I've been discharged from the "prison" and have had a change in medication, but only a week since I've been discharged from partial group therapy. For some reason I thought I'd fall apart afterwards, but it has been quite the contrary; my week has been full of excitement. I have cleaned the house, went shopping for things I've WANTED, and have even went ahead and did some stuff that I kept putting off.

For example, I kept saying I'd wait to get a triple helix piercing until I had lost more weight. Well, I went ahead and got it anyway. I kept putting off my f;ght tattoo. Well, I went ahead and got that too! I've also been hustling on my Halloween costume, and I actually think I'll be able to finish it in time. I even got new workout shoes so I can start taking better care of my body. In general, I've been filled with life. And there is no better feeling.

Am I upset that I have to take all my classes over again? Of course. Am I hating the fact that it will take me even longer to graduate now that I have medically withdrew from my classes? No doubt. But I won't lie to you; not having to juggle five classes and full time work has been my greatest enjoyment. Instead of heading to class every single day after working an 8 hour shift, I usually go for a walk now to clear my head and keep me healthy in every way. Then I will usually go home and clean up a little around the house. Things that NORMAL PEOPLE DO.

If it were depressed me, I'd binge eat and then go to bed immediately after work. I'm starting to learn the difference between my moods, and that's what partial group and TMS treatments have taught me.

I'm continuing to learn so much, so quickly. I'm also hoping that this energy within me continues to radiate. But something inside me tells me that the depression will always be a fight; because it doesn't just go away all of a sudden. It requires medication, therapy, and pure strength to pull through. And I have all of that now. I'm ready to give my hardest fight next time it decides to be my shadow. Because now I know what it feels like to enjoy being alive, and there's no way I'm going back now!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Woohoo! You go, girl! Glad to hear you're feeling a lot better. This just makes my day. Listen, I understand completely about wanting to be done with classes sooner. My school made 8-week classes (it's all about business :-P) and I landed in the ER twice before realizing you know what? I have to respect my boundaries. You need to have Jaime-time mixed in with your classes. Other people may be able to carry that course load, but our balance is different. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the way we do it, we just realize we need to take care of ourselves. It's about the journey, not always the destination. Destinations are good, but it's the little every-day moments that make a life. Enjoy it! :-) Also, I have noticed as I've gone on my journey that positivity every day really helps. Make sure you get enough light in winter and exercise. You can retrain your brain -- if you get a chance at your school to learn about happiness psychology and neuroplasticity, I think you'll be encouraged. BIG HUGS!!!
    1837 days ago
    I hope that you remember it is just a shadow. It might actually be a little more than a shadow as it is a part of you. But I like what I am reading, and I hope that you can hold on to this. I know you have had good moments in the past and then taken a step or two back. Overall I can tell your journey is like that of most of us, but where most people do a 2 steps forward and 1 back, yours is more like 3 steps forward, 5 back, 4 forward, 1 back....... you are still moving forward but at just a more herky jerky pace than many of us.

    Keep on fighting the good fight my young friend. You are worthy of happiness and it does my heart good to read how you are enjoying the little things in life. The things many of us take for granted until we have a life altering event.
    1840 days ago
    Sounds like you are in the right track. Stay positive. Think optimistic. One moment at a time, or day at a time. You've got this! 👌😊 Hugs to you!
    1840 days ago
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