My misery does not love company
Tuesday, September 08, 2015
i've been trying to write this blog since my two-month anniversary on Sept. 1 but i've been in a crap mood for days. i don't even know how to write about what i'm feeling.
i feel completely isolated some days. like i don't fit in with anyone or anything sometimes. i'm also super lonely. i used to have a lot of friends at work but they've departed and that's hard. i still talk to them but i don't have them there for daily support.
most of my week nights are spent at home alone. my friends and family invite me out but i'm just so completely unmotivated to socialize. i'm lonely but i don't want to be around anyone. how stupid is that? i don't even know how to solve that problem. i know i should probably start dating again but even the thought of that gives me incredible anxiety and triggers great insecurity.
everyone says time. you just need time. that's all fine and dandy but what the hell do i do in the meantime? just sit around and be lonely and miserable? i feel like this is my only option and that just makes life seem hopeless.
i'm amazed i've managed to even stay active and not eat terribly. so i guess that's one good thing...it's all becoming a habit. automatic.
so here's probably a not-so-positive review of where i'm at after two months:
1. physically i can't really see much difference. my clothes fit a little better but not enough for me to just glance in a mirror and notice or for anyone else to notice.
2. fitness wise i have seen some improvements. i actually walked a 15-minute mile the other day. i was amazed. i also finally walked up this big hill without stopping. i'm sore today because of it but it felt good to reach the top. i'm getting more coordinated at zumba and less out of breath. i still can't plank to save my life or do a push-up.
3. i'm down about 16 pounds since i began. that really doesn't seem like much and i have so much more to go.
4. i have finally unlocked the secret to exercising...do something you love not what someone tells you to do. i mean if this is supposed to be for life, how can you really commit to five days on a treadmill? i hate the treadmill although i realize it's sometime a good alternative. now i'm doing swimming, bootcamp, zumba, walking, hiking, dancing and whatever else i actually like to do. i've had very few days that i dread "exercising."
5. my fitbit helped me realize i'm a lot more active than i thought. i have a desk job but i rarely sit still. i'm happy to learn this about myself.
6. i struggle daily to eat healthy. i don't really ever crave sugar and i get plenty of fruits and vegetables. however, i love me some cheeseburgers, fries and pizza and eat them way more than i should.
overall i'm not very inspired or encouraged with the progress i've made so far. i don't know what would make me feel that way. let's see what happens in another two months.