Well, I did myself proud. I got up, made myself breakfast, and went to the gym.
I quickly made up my mind that I wasn't really willing to do anything I couldn't sustain moving forward, and right now that means 30 minutes. Do I have more than 30 minutes? Today I do, some days I don't, so I'm looking for consistency at the beginning of all of this.
The other thing I was thinking about is my insane relationship to the scale. Mine needs new batteries in order to work... I was walking out of the gym and I saw a scale. I *almost* went over and weighed myself but then I thought, "why"? If I am feeling better about myself, and I am eating relatively healthy, and I am fitting into my clothes and I'm actively working on loving myself, do I actually need to know how much I weigh? No, no I don't.
It's going to be an interesting journey this time around. Moderation, not restriction. Intention, not calorie counting. Movement, not excessiveness. I can do extreme, I've proven that time and again. I have yet to make loving choices for myself for the duration.
I am going to go grocery shopping today and choose items that will help nourish me throughout the week. As bizarre as it sounds, there are times I eat too little... which make me over hungry, then I overcompensate at the next meal... and then some. I'm going for balance, working on not restricting or eliminating anything. I've learned a lot about myself over the last couple years in therapy for my eating disorder, now that grad school is over (and it's really, really over)... I finally feel free to start Focusing on me again.
I've needed this last week off. It took a week for me to decompress enough to actually relax, which is sad but true. I'm looking forward to using this day as a springboard back into reality tomorrow and to take things one day at a time.
Expect a miracle.