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Grateful Lament

Thursday, September 03, 2015

I ate very very badly yesterday. I had very little sleep the prior night, a very stressful day from wake-up until about 1:30pm. Then I just zombied out even though I knew I had a ton of work to do, and so I also had guilt. All of that piled on and I made bad choices all afternoon and evening. I didn't even make dinner, we just ate quick foods, which did include awful stuff. I feel awful about it, but this is life and I have a lot to do today, and just need to move ON. So I will. No beating myself up about it. It happened. It's done. And the best thing I can do is make today better (which, frankly, should be easy to do except that these days often come in groups). But last night was better sleep, if interrupted for about 1/2 hour around 5am. My son is back to waking up in the night and needing things from me, or so he thinks.

And that is what I think gets me the most with my health and my "I Matter" philosophy. I do matter, I do want to pursue good health, but I often feel powerless because my days aren't my own to control, and neither are my nights. I can exert a certain amount of will, but in the end, I'm not 100% in control.

Now, in the stark light of the day after, I can rationalize that almost nobody IS 100% in control of their minutes, hours, days. I am so thankful for all of you who share your struggles because it helps me to realize that I'm no different. And I should give myself the same advice I give you guys when you have a day of struggle. We all have challenges, we all have things on our lists that we wouldn't have chosen to put there, and we all have disappointments, emotional situations, and just plain demands on us that we see as horribly inconvenient, if not downright drown-worthy. We all have things we'd rather not do. I am not alone. Thank you all for sharing those things! Each of you has shared your personal journey and it helps me today. Tremendously.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    My days are not under my control much either. It is definitely challenging. At my age I thought I'd be able to do what I wanted. Not when family needs are great. Hang in there. I love my sparkfriends so I don't feel alone in all this. And get in some "fun stuff" for yourself! chris
    2064 days ago
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    Comment edited on: 9/7/2015 11:09:13 PM
    We're human. we make mistakes. Today was a crazy eating frenzy for me! Ridiculous! I haven't eaten this much for months.... Logged it and am moving on. Going on a super long bike ride tomorrow. Can't wait! One day at a time. emoticon
    2113 days ago
    get it out and put it away.

    stay strong!

    2116 days ago
    This so resonates with me (well, except I'm long past being woken by children)! Feeling not in control, making poor choices against my better judgement. I had a similar evening in the last week with much less justification... ok, provocation (there is no real justification!). Then felt bad about my poor choices. But you're right about not beating ourselves up and moving on. I've found "beating myself up" tends to be counter productive and leads to a downward spiral. But thinking about having made such poor choices and wanting to make better choices, I wrote just that - "make better choices" on a large sticky note and attached it to my fridge. That's helping to remind me for now... until it becomes part of the background and I simply don't notice it anymore.

    And I so agree that we are so fortunate to be able to share our struggles as well as our inspiration and our encouragement here on Spark!
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    2116 days ago
  • no profile photo CD11332084
    I think this is where blogging is SO helpful! We can bang it out and see that even if we go off the rails, we're not lost - we still have our goals and our friends to keep cheering us on!
    I don't know how old your son is, or why he might be waking you up, but you might try a sticker/reward system. Every night he 'lets Mommy sleep all night', he gets a sticker, and 10 stickers get him a special 'date' with Mommy. (if he's older, this will be totally silly - but maybe some extra one-on-one time would help in that instance as well!).
    Here's to getting back on track - and getting some sleep!!
    2117 days ago
    You are so right, we are not in complete control - all we can do is our best! Yep, move on. Do your best to make today different! Glad to hear at least your sleep was better!

    2117 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12702844
    Well said!! I needed that today!! Thanks
    2117 days ago
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