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inlaws, family, authenticity and ..... tell me

Monday, August 31, 2015

So.... What do I know about Family relations?
I dunno.... Mine is pretty compartmentalized... my nuclear family experience -- super super small, no extended aunts or uncles or grands.
As I now reach grand age myself.... and have inlaws with multi-generations...
I am having to learn some dynamics that some of y'all have known all along.
I get confused!
Do you?
I mean.... Go along to get along. Yes. Kindness. Yes. Let things go. Show up.
Some general guidelines that one applies anywhere.
Still...

What do YOU do when you feel the strain? When everyone has a good face on... but maybe isn't really enjoying themselves. And... When How are you? Really does look for a "Fine" ? But everybody can tell that something's going on??

What do YOU do?

The little people, the kids, are the juicy mostly tender easy part. Easy to share joy in collectively nurturing. Of course I've seen style differences in the upper generations get a little pinned sometimes... but that parts the CREAM.

What about SISTERINLAWS MOTHERINLAWS especially.
And... estranged X's.....

Stories out there? Send me a goodie ;-)
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • BIGMAMAT
    After being in the hospice field for so many years, I have seen family dynamics at its best or worst if you would. One of the things I took away from the experience is that No family is"normal". emoticon
    Once you get behind the walls so to speak, all have their problems. Honestly, I think I have seen it all.
    My cousin has a plaque on the wall that says " Remember, as far as anyone knows, we are a nice NORMAL Family". So much truth right there.
    As for getting along, I think Listening and seeing things through the perspective of others is key.
    1146 days ago
  • AAAACK
    As I'm about to head into my own hornets' nest of a family (not in-laws), I can say that I appreciate this post, and everyone who posted responses. I've got no answers for you, but I gotta say I'm kinda leaning toward the water drinking game, myself emoticon . Because I know that my visit will include several (notice I said several) discussions of my hair, lack of cosmetics, stomach, posture, butt, and general disregard for anyone else. I don't disregard THEM, I just take a very passive attitude when they start picking me apart. This they take as "well, she just doesn't care about us." And I DO care about them, but I really don't care what they think of my: hair, stomach, butt...you get the gist. But I still visit, I still love them, and miss them. But after about 5 days, I'm more than ready to go home. If it were cheaper or easier to visit, I'd do shorter visits more often b/c a week is a lot. 3 days would be better.
    Thanks for sharing and giving others a place to post their hints!
    1147 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/1/2015 12:49:11 PM
  • LILLYROSEGRAM
    Here is what I believe to be my best piece of advice to anyone who has in-laws. It's something I learned to do early in my life/marriage and it truly has made the difference between strained and wonderful relationships with in-laws.

    I choose to believe, and remind myself whenever I feel less than happy with something my in-laws have said or done, that everything comes from love. With just making that one choice, I have had a 40+ year relationship with my in-laws that is loving and precious to me. I know I am fortunate to have my in-laws in my love, especially when I lived so many miles from my own parents and now that I have lost both of my parents in death. Give it a try and see if it makes a difference for you.

    I look forward to learning the other suggestions/insights you receive and your feedback on those.

    emoticon emoticon
    1148 days ago
  • BLUJADED
    We have a large, dislocated and somewhat disfunctional family, my husband and I. I'm an only child (with at least 5 half brothers and sisters scattered around somewhere), and my husband is 1 of 10, with only one full-blooded sister. We have step parents and step-grandparents (who divorced and create another set of ex-step-grandparents!). All walks of life - all political affiliations and throw some born-again Christians in there as well for a HOOT! Some that smoke pot, some that do not and some that do worse, like drink till they rot!

    Being an only child, I crave the time with family and am willing to put up with a lot. Smile, listen, laugh, argue sometimes if I feel I can hold my own and not burn any bridges, but mostly just bask in their presence. I breathe a sigh of relief when it's over, but I also know that it will not be too long before I won't have that opportunity to be with them anymore. What I wouldn't give to have a good political argument with my Gramps again, or listen to my Grammy gossip and slander all the family members! Or tell my dad that I forgive him.
    1148 days ago
  • BONNIEMARGAY
    I breathe deeply, try not to take their toxicity personally, remember that it is not my job to fix anyone and that I couldn't if I tried, and approach impossible people with humor.

    My wife and I do not drink alcohol, but we decided to use plain old water to make a drinking game for when we have to spend any length of time with her mother: drink whenever she says something negative or shaming, drink the entire glass when it is about something offensive or disgusting. We rush again and again to fill our glasses for each other, letting her toxicity roll off of us since it is just a cue to drink again, giggling about a drinking game that no one ever notices, and rushing off to the restroom again and again. We are SO hydrated!
    1148 days ago
  • TALLYFL
    No family relations for us. We have each other...period! Well, except for our four dogs and the cat. We don't really hold any deep conversations, ya' know?!
    emoticon
    1148 days ago
  • GREATAUNTSALLY
    This is coming from someone who LIVES with two generations of in-laws...
    1148 days ago
  • GREATAUNTSALLY
    i try to practice my listening and ask questions, even if I don't care about the answers. It's easier than fighting and more polite than getting too drunk...
    1148 days ago
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