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A Fight that Will Always Return

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

I meant to write a new blog on Wednesday of last week. And then “meaning to” turned into Thursday, and then Friday. Now it’s Tuesday, and I’m finally buckling down to achieve something I dread: blogging. Why do I hate it so much, you ask? Because it requires me to think about my emotions and how I’m feeling; it requires me to speak out about those said emotions and to explain them in words. It is no easy task, but I know it could be a helpful hobby to make a habit of. One of the worst things I could do right now is withdraw from life again.

My recent relapse in depression has taught me that there is no easy “fix” to the disease, and that I will always have to fight to defeat it. Sometimes I get so upset and so angry that I take it out on other people unintentionally, such as my boyfriend. Well… ex-boyfriend would be the proper noun now. Yes, my boyfriend, who was always there for me, gave up when my depression returned. I understand how hard it must have been for him dealing with the petty fights and the constant mood swings, yet I can’t help but be terribly upset. Zach isn’t the only person in my life I’ve lost due to depression, and I just added another to the list.

I have a secret. I’ve always said that I don’t ever want to get married because it ruins relationships. But a part of me has changed, and I’ve recently thought of how it would feel to be proposed to… to know that someone has THAT much love for me. What’s even more ridiculous is that my daydreams always involve Zach, who told me numerous times that he never wants to get married.

“I want to be there for you as a friend, and still want you to talk to me about your depression,” uttered Zach after gently letting me know that breaking up would perhaps be best for my depression. So he essentially wants to be there for me, but not under official terms. What a sting… what a feeling of almost-betrayal. Sometimes I don’t think I will ever find someone that can handle this, and what’s worse is that I don’t ever think I’ll be able to control the darkness so no one ever has to. Am I doomed to be forever alone? Is this my lesson in life? How could this possibly be a lesson when it’s destroying me from the inside out?

I slept the entirety of this past weekend away. I watched a movie here and there, but never completed a single one. I’d just go back to sleep. As you all know from my previous blogs, exhaustion is my most aggravating symptom. I hate it more than anything else I’ve dealt with thus far. Sleep and exhaustion controls so many aspects of the human body that it's difficult to name any condition that may NOT be caused by some sleeping disorder.

Isn’t it also odd how depression can almost hold the same characteristics as a human being? IT will degrade me and stomp me to my lowest point. IT will give me something I love just to take it away again. And IT will ALWAYS ensure I know where I stand in the chain of command: and it’s always at the bottom.

I need to adapt to important habits. To keep the house clean, to do hobbies I enjoy, to stay in contact with friends, and to convert to a healthy diet & exercise. “Easier said than done” applies here. Many people give me advice, but it’s almost as if an inner source doesn’t want to work hard for relief. Heh, maybe that’s the depression too… wouldn’t that be ironic?

The reason I used Danbo (the cardboard box figure) in my blog today is because I almost feel that I have a connection with it. Yes… a connection with a cardboard box figure. Some of its pictures depict excitement and love, while others illustrate deep sulking. What a perfect interpretation of my life.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I know it isn't easy. Sometimes brandon and I struggle with his depression, and I don't know how long you and Zach had been together, but steve said the same thing I commented on before: you need to focus and work on you. I know it'd be awesome to have someone there to push and support you through it - but the other person will not see it that way..maybe as you're close to getting out of the depression they'll be willing to be there...but it's too hard to be around someone suffering like that...

    I know you were seeking all medical attentions and trying that shake that has everything to possibly help with depression, so keep up with all and keep in contact with your doctor on what you could do to encourage yourself out of this mess =[
    1933 days ago
    My young friend, I agree with Steve on the part about blogging just to let us know you are alive and as well as can be. You have earned a special place in my heart and I cheer for you to overcome this dark side of your personality.

    I see so many positives in your writing. I feel like sometimes you dwell on the not so good and not enough on the good. You are a very intelligent caring individual with a cook ferret for a pet. You are also a pretty woman with so much going for you. Your cup isn't half empty, it is actually fuller than you give yourself credit for.

    1934 days ago
    Oh, Jaime, this post tugged at every heartstring I had inside me, and more. Danbo (I didn't know it had a name) is a powerful image, and seeing it paired with your words gave it extra strength.

    My sister-in-law (Steve's brother's wife) suffers from manic-depression. At our niece Jamie's wedding (your namesake), she was in full manic mode. When she is like that, she is a powerhouse. The rest of the time, she is despondent, sad, unable to function, just the symptoms you describe. I love Kate dearly, but it is so hard to be around her because no matter what her cycle, it feels like an uphill climb to deal with her.

    I imagine that's what it was like for Zach. It is hard to deal with someone who is depressed, because you always feel like you're climbing uphill, pushing against the tiredness and sadness and angst that is depression, knowing that the climb will never end. It is the same experience that I have with my mother, and it's what I fight against within myself too.

    I truly believe that you need to be on your own to work on this. I know there is heartbreak that comes with the end of a relationship, but I also hope that this moment gives you the internal strength to start repairing the damage and heal yourself. Because the one thing I know for sure - you CAN heal! It will take hard work, but it is totally without your capabilities. You will have to fight every natural inclination, but you CAN do it!

    Sometimes the blog posts are only to let us know you're ok. Don't feel that you have to write a long novel of where you are at the moment. Let us know you're ok, or tell us you're hurting. Let us be there to support you daily, if necessary. You can give us the tools we need.

    I hope tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

    Big hugs.
    That old guy in California
    1934 days ago
    I suffered from chronic depression for about 10 years. Sometimes it just felt better to give in. Meds made me feel dazed, or antzy, or stoned. A few years ago I decided to tackle it myself (I don't recomment this for everyone, you should reach out for help if you need help).

    Anytime I start to feel depressed, I silently ask myself "Is this how I want to feel right now? Is this how a well adjusted person would feel?"

    If not, I "Fake it til I make it", best mantra ever from TedTalks. I force myself to think better thoughts, I look for the good.

    I hope this helps :)

    BTW, I added you as a SparkFriend :)
    Feel free to add me as well and keep in touch!
    1934 days ago
    you write and express yourself very well

    here's to better tomorrows

    1935 days ago
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