when things calm down and you have time to feel.
Monday, August 03, 2015
As you know, if you've read me last week, this Saturday was my final exam for my calculus class. I had promised myself I would do nothing this weekend appart from the exam. To finally relax and sleep after months of sleep deprivation, studies, grief and all...
I had my last class on Wednesday. My husband, feeling better, decided he would pick me up at school so I wouldn't have to take the train back. It makes a big difference. Finishing school at 9pm I usually walk up to the train that leaves at 9:15pm. I get to my town around 10:10 and have a 20 minutes walk home. So I am home around 10:30pm the walk usually makes me too keyed up to sleep. Having to get up at 5:15 am makes for short nights. With him picking me up it means getting home around 9:40pm . Way better.
Since my husband is feeling better and finally 'here', I wanted to spend some time with him. We went to the pub to have dinner and a drink. It felt sooooo good to be with him! I had missed him. But the price to pay was that my night would be short so I would have to go to bed early on Thursday. Cutting myself one evening of studies. But I was fine with that.
So the new material that the teacher had given us on Wednesday would have to be proccessed on Friday. The exam was set for 9am on Saturday). My teammate came to my place to study. We ordered pizza.(not a very good choice). Saturday to study some more. Then I left for school knowing I was prepared and that the dice were thrown as far as the exam was concerned. I am a true believer that in the hour before a test you cannot change anything. What you know you know and what you don't you don't. That usually makes me calmer. It is done, no point to stress about it you can't change anything.
On the way there, it was as if a lot of weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I got so relaxed that everything suddently hit me. Everything I have been keeping in check for a long time. My mom passing, my cancer, my dad's passing, my husband's depression after his mom's passing, all of it. It was unbearable. I cried almost all the way to school. Managed to calm myself before going in.
I think the test went fine. I will have the results soon I hope. On the way back, again, I was crying. I went and bought myself a bigmac and a big fry. I noticed two things. How small they got, and how difficult it was to get it all in...
The rest of the weekend went downhill. I did as promised. I didn't do anything around the house. I had naps and played on my phone. I had ice cream a few times, Nutella on bread, eggs with toasts .. A lot of things that were NOT part of the diet. Like some would say, "the pain demanded to be felt". As much as this was catastrophic as far as the diet goes, letting go, for the weekend, of the control I've had on myself for years allowed me to feel things. Allowed me to process those feelings. So I think it was worth it. I hope to be able to do that a few times until all that needs to be felt is felt.
I am seeing the doctor tonight and getting on the scale. I don't know what impact it will have on the weight. I know I didn't, couldn't binge that much. So I may have taken a few pounds but I will lose them again right this week. My resolve is back, I am feeling better. We'll see what happens in the next week
Sorry for the length of this one, but I needed this.