4, 5 - I skipped one.
Saturday, July 18, 2015
Yesterday started out pretty great. I met with my workout buddy and he helped me learn my way around all of the heavy things in the gym. Turns out, I'm a lot stronger than I thought I would be! I managed 20 pounds (each hand) on a dumbbell chest press, 17.5 on the incline bench, 45 pound barbell bench, and 10 pound dumbbell chest flies. We moved on to triceps where I was able to do 30 pounds doing extensions on the cables and only just able to do skull crushers with a 20 pound barbell. I asked him to show me the leg press for fun... I have really strong legs and I just wanted to quantify how strong they are. Turns out I could do seven reps at 600 pounds on the leg press machine. So, as it turns out, my legs are already pretty darn strong!
Unfortunately due to hormones or something... I immediately became depressed upon returning home and had a bulimic episode. I don't really know why it happened, but I do know I tend to get depressions in line with my hormonal fluctuations. After purging (in spite of not even really binging), I felt exhausted and could do little more than lay on the couch and cry for a few hours. I didn't even know why I was crying.
But all wasn't really lost. I could feel something I'd never really felt before in the midst of depression... a sort of undercurrent of positive, loving thoughts instead of an unrelenting wave of negativity. It didn't make me feel less sad... rather, it made me feel safe. I felt like I could be sad without losing myself, because I knew I could get back up and go on. I could feel that strength in me. It was comforting. So maybe being healthy and loving myself won't stop me from becoming depressed, but maybe it will make my depression something more safe... like being underwater in the shallow end of the pool rather than being dragged into the undertow and out to sea.
I knew for once that I needed to get up and go on, and so I did. I may have skipped my blog post, but I hit all of my other goals. I tracked what I could, completed my Home Workout challenge, and went to bed at a reasonable time. I still felt the emotional fatigue when I first woke up and getting out of bed was a challenge, but any remaining negativity waned as I went through my day. I felt super sore this morning, but it was a good sort of sore. It's a reminder of how strong I already am, and how strong I can eventually become.
I feel unstoppable today. I feel like this time, I'm going to succeed.