41 inches. Gasp.
Saturday, July 18, 2015
It's an ugly post today. All about my waistline.
It's one thing to know that I'm a size 16.
It's one thing to hold up a pair of my jeans and realize they're about the same as my husband's. I mean, I am curvy, he is straight, so I still always felt "womanly" and "appealing" even as I knew I was beginning to catch him on weight (or at least in girth). (And, for the record, he loves me and my curves and, while supportive, thinks my body is luscious and perfect just as it is today.)
But there's something cruel about those two little numbers on the tape. Obscene about the amount of tape required to gauge my circumference.
The tape feels FAR more devastating to my self-esteem than the scale.
And yet, I'm glad I did it. Because I want to be able to look back and say "this is where I was." I want to be able to measure in a month or so and maybe see that first evil "4" transform into a "3."
One of my huge motivators is long-term health. I know that carrying weight in the middle is a bigger health risk. I've always been an apple... though I gain pretty evenly across a tall frame. I also know that my essential "shape" is not likely to change for a long, long time... I'm going to continue to lose fat from all areas of my body, meaning my arms and legs will thin out and my middle will take longer to catch up (because there was more there to begin with).
I've always been really good at hiding my weight. Even from myself, to be honest. Coming face to face with that measuring tape feels a little like shedding some essential denial. I'm overweight. In June, when I started this program, I was borderline obese. I'm not just doing this to look good... I'm doing this because that ring of belly fat is potentially deadly.
On a brighter note, I'm doing GREAT on my eating and fitness; feeling positive; knowing this is working... and it's also feeling extremely sustainable. (Meaning I can maintain this lifestyle - it isn't a diet or a short term burst of focus.) I had an amazing, satisfying dinner last night. It really felt like a splurge (which would have been okay - I had plenty of room left.) When I logged the foods, it was just 350 calories! Lots of things are clicking in a way they didn't in the past--like eating "real" foods and not trying to make my calories work around my junk food habits. (As I have in every past attempt... so that even when I was successful, the results did not last because my bad habits had never really changed and I was starving for actual nutrients.)