Saturday, July 18, 2015
Firstly I have to say a massive thank you to those of you who messaged me regarding my recent post about my illness.
I thought things were getting better, but this week I have been on the floor again; I just can't stay awake for any length of time. My mental state has dropped too, which is even worse. I don't know if it's that the tiredness is dragging me down or if it's just a whole other thing altogether. It doesn't really help that my dr said the most likely cause of feeling the way I do is my age and that my body is telling me "It's time to slow down" ... I am 41 not 83! I don't want to be giving in and slowing down, I want to be living and doing the things I haven't done yet. Lately it has seemed my life is just beginning and now she is telling me it's over.
I have been at my voluntary work every day this week, but even that I just didn't really feel I wanted to be there. The course I have been co-teaching is ending on Friday, so I will be returning to my admin duties. I find it harder to motivate myself to go when I am just doing the admin as I don't feel quite so essential. I think maybe I need to change focus - I am a little disenchanted with the whole place after they have made a batch of people redundant whilst taking on lots more volunteers (the redundancies are due to a shift in government funding, but I can't help feel that those staff could have been employed in other roles were it not for the large volume of volunteers) - I also wonder a bit at their methods in choosing people for the roles which were left available. Because I work in different departments, I am open to information others aren't and I know for certain that one person (not particularly good at their job or helpful to the clients) was rushed through a qualification necessary for one of the posts prior to the interviews - she got that job in spite of the fact that others who have been qualified AND already doing the same job for many years also interviewed... it kind of feels that they already had in mind the people they wanted to keep regardless of time served, experience or qualifications and I wonder if I want to remain a part of that. I have always been so proud of working there and feel we have helped so many people better themselves, but I just don't feel so engaged any more.
Or maybe it's an indication of my mental state... perhaps once I start coming up again I will feel happier. Either way, I know it's not good to make huge decisions whilst feeling low, so I will wait and see whether the feeling passes.
Anyway, there is other stuff I wanted to talk about but I wouldn't want to bore you so I'll just leave it here for now.