JUSTJAIMESIZED
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How Depression Changed Me.

Monday, July 13, 2015

The blog I wrote earlier mentioned the plans for this blog... to introduce the Jaime I was before depression to emphasize how the disease changes and affects us. Well here is how depression changed me.

BEFORE DEPRESSION:

I LOVED MY FRIENDS.
Hanging out and talking, laughing and being ourselves. It was the BEST! Back then, I even had a lot of friends. Depression caused me to lose interest in hanging out and texting, and only a short few stuck around due to my lack of trying. I can't say I blame them the ones who left, but because of them, I appreciate the ones who stuck around so much more.


I CARED FOR MY BODY.
I exercised on a regular basis and ate healthy just about every singe day. Fast food even disgusted me because I never consumed it. And best of all, I did workouts that I loved, like walking and dancing! The picture below depicts me at my happiest weight. Depression made me lazy, and the exhaustion included made it hard to workout at times when I was feeling motivated. And now I am bigger than ever.


I DID SCHOOL THE HARD WAY… the RIGHT way.
I read and outlined every chapter; I set ample amounts of time aside to study. There was NO Googling answers like many others do, and I was the best at my classes. When I got depressed, I stopped being able to concentrate, and ultimately stopped working so hard to be entirely ethical. Worst of all, when I did try to read, I hardly remember anything about it shortly after.

I WROTE LIKE A PRO, AND LOVED IT.
In my journal, in the school newspaper, through blogs, and essays. I was the best at writing. You could find few (if any) grammatical errors, and my vocabulary was on point! Depression made me forget simple grammatical rules (thank goodness for auto-correct), and my shrinking memory decreased my vocabulary abilities.

I HAD THE BEST RELATIONSHIPS!
I was happy in any relationship I was in (when depression wasn't in the way), and I was also FUN. With my childlike sense of humor, there was nothing that we couldn't do that I couldn't make fun. I tried relatively hard to make my partner feel loved and happy; and I was constantly doing (and making) things to show how much I loved him. Depression changed my entire personality, and destroys every relationship I get into. I regretted one break up so much for 2 years, and I know that this one would be much worse if I lost it.


MY HOUSE WAS ALWAYS CLEAN, AND I WAS WELL ORGANIZED.
I wasn't necessarily compulsive, but I did regularly keep my house clean and tidy to feel a sense of accomplishment. Nothing was ever out of place, and I never felt disgusted being in my own home. Depression distorted my view from what was "clean" and what was dirty.

There are, of course, a few other aspects that depression has changed, but I think my point has been made. Depression attacks some of the most amazing people, and turn them in a different direction. It's been a hard journey with depression, but finding myself again as I'm getting better is probably the hardest task of all.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • DIAMONDTEAR
    Honestly, the real you I have seen isn't so far away as you'd like to believe - yea, it feels like a sheer or a mosaic window is obscuring your true self, or trying to, but it's still so near the surface - or how I see it.

    Don't you hate it when people comment on a blog and don't read previous ones? of course you've tried everything for the depression.....
    The TMS seems to be helping a lot!

    One major thing about overcoming a mental issue is - digging. With ADHD I had to dig into my brain and find out what was distracting and how to distract the stupid part of my brain - the toddler running around while the adult is trying to focus on real things - which is why I'd draw in classrooms so the ADULT side of the mind could focus on the instructor.

    With Anxiety, I have to feel for the mild or starting signs of the Fight or Flight popup that would lead to the anxiety attack very shortly after showing itself. For depression, it's recognizing what's real and what's not - the "messy" alternation of reality, for example. seems your treatments are helping you to zero in on these things.

    I want to say I relate to this XD I used to be so much more fun and talkative and outgoing - but then I worked so many jobs and lost so much sleep and had no time for friends or family, that I have next-to-no friends other than the ones I talk to on Facebook from school but don't actually bother with the idea to go and SEE. I guess depression's a lot like growing up in a snap and like working so much you don't have the time or energy for anything else so you just kind of filter how you see things so they don't bother you....

    Like when I know the room really needs to be clean but I don't have the energy, the mind could alter how it looks so you stop looking at the mess and can focus on other things.

    I feel I can relate a lot, but limited ^-^'

    Please, please, please start a journal in your home to mark these things, as you notice them. Save a physical journal to look back on in the future. This has been very inspirational and eye opening that I think some day you might want to write about your struggle through it all, the treatments you've tried, the feelings felt when all said treatments failed, what happened as it escalated - and then being able to reflect on the pre-depression and mid-depression YOU. Maybe make a fiction and making it about a made up character going through similar things as you ;) You said you love writing, that would be such a read.
    1963 days ago
  • IOWALONEWOLF
    I personally think you have the ability to kick this crud and get back to the woman you were. I think (I am a thinker you know) that you will take baby steps and progress slowly back to the person you were. You have so much in you, that I think you don't give yourself enough credit for what you are accomplishing. Don't let depression mask your beauty, and I am not talking about just what is on the surface. I have met people that don't have near the obstacles in life that you have and they are miserable just being themselves. You on the other hand know what you have, what you had, (which I think you can get back) and a better direction in where you are going than some of the happiest people (superficially).

    I am so glad I have you to call friend!
    1963 days ago
  • MUSICMA
    I hope you are better. Have you tried to depressants?
    1963 days ago
  • SRWYLIE
    I'm so glad you've got some TRUE friends who have stayed by you during this. Try to be open with them about what you need from them (a shoulder to cry on, someone to listen, or someone to try to make you laugh and bring you up a little bit). Also be open to whatever they have to offer, even if it's not what you think you want or need at that moment. Who knows, they might actually lift your spirits more than you would have anticipated!

    You look like such a fun, loving young woman! My nieces would love hanging out with you!
    1963 days ago
  • HMBROWN1
    Sounds like you have some good friends left to help you through this rough time. I hope that you are feeling better soon. Best wishes!
    1963 days ago
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