Can I Have a Blog Re-Do?
Monday, July 13, 2015
I have to admit that the day of my last blog entry (and the day after) were not good days. I was so unbelievably tired, and I think one of my biggest mistakes was automatically assuming that depression brought back severe exhaustion. I think my second mistake was writing about it. Now that I have had some time to think things through, I would like to ask for a blog re-do.
Last week was my first official 5-day TMS session. Monday and Tuesday were full of depression since, as I already claimed, I was exhausted. But once my sleep schedule got back into place and I had my first two days of treatment, things seemed to be getting… better. I was floored with how rapid I was changing, and so was my TMS doctor. These treatments aren't supposed to be showing full improvement until the 3rd week, but in some rare cases, patients may see small changes pretty fast. And I would like to believe that I am one of those rare cases.
I once read an article that depression shrinks the hippocampus in the brain, which results in increased stress, decreased memory, and loss of function. There is also research that the damage can be restored. Although there is better information out there, here is an easy understanding article if you're interested in reading about it:
Before I continue, let me first say that I plan to post another blog later that reads "Who I Was Before Depression". The blog will not be intended to be gloomy, but is only a resource so that most of you can really get an idea of why depression has been so hard on me. But the moral of the blog is that this disease really does change EVERYTHING.
During these TMS treatments, I've noticed a few things that are starting to amend; as if parts of me were going back to the Jaime I was before depression. My vocabulary, for example, is noticeably improving. It may not be apparent in the next few blogs, but I have realized that I'm remembering words that I had long forgotten. Due to the fact that writing is one of my favorite hobbies, this opens up so much hope for me.
But transitioning back to a pre-depressed person can also be DIFFICULT. It's like looking around with a pair of "improved eyes" and seeing new characteristics about my life that I haven't seen in a long time. And one of those is that my house is DISGUSTING! I ask myself how I was able to live in such a pig sty, and then I remember that depression is like putting on a mask that hinders our ability to see things clearly.
Small steps will be essential to keep myself from going insane, and as my TMS doctor told me, it will be important to do one thing at a time to prevent becoming overwhelmed. So even though I REALLY want to take a day off work and clean my entire house in one day, I know that it will be more beneficial to do a little at a time.
Another found characteristic is my old sense of humor, and I've realized that on some days I can actually make people laugh again. I'm becoming silly again and it's making people smile! That, alone, is helping me get through each day.
With all of this being said though, I do also have some other news to report.
Saturday, Sunday, and today, I lost all of that hope that I was gaining. On all of those mornings, I woke up exhausted and miserable, and it anchored me throughout the entire day. I, of course, blamed it on the depression at first. But then I noticed it… weekends and the beginning of the week... it's a PATTERN. I will, indeed, talk to my TMS doctor today about this situation to see if he can give me some tips. I honestly feel as though my sleep schedule could very well hinder my excellent progress, and perhaps be the reasoning behind why my depression was as bad as it was a few weeks ago.
So there is my re-do blog, and I hoped it was slightly better than the last one.
I also wanted to give a short appreciation speech to my closest sparkfriends, particularly DIAMONDTEAR, SRWYLIE, and IOWARHINO. Without you guys, whom have helped me through my toughest times, I would be nothing. I have so much appreciation for those who can care so much about somebody they've never met in person, and I want you to know that I care just as much back. Thank you so much for being there for me.