All Fall Down
Wednesday, July 08, 2015
Yesterday started off as positively as every other one of my days begins.
I woke up and had a yogurt and banana for breakfast.
I worked out, logging 40 sweat drenched minutes on the elliptical before performing two sets of upper body exercises in my tiny weight room.
And then, upon realizing that we were out of arugula, I went to the grocery store to pick up my favorite leafy green. I had every intention of making myself a huge salad for both lunch and dinner but then...
I saw the Ritz Sour Cream and Onion Toasted Chips sitting on a shelf in front of me.
And that's where the fall began.
My inner dialogue went a little something like this:
"I absolutely cannot buy those Ritz."
"Oh come on, they're your favorite, you can buy them and just have one serving."
"No, I can't, I don't have that kind of willpower, if I buy them I'm going to eat the entire bag in one day, just like I always do."
"No you won't, you're so determined this time. You can do it, I know you can, just give it a try."
"No, I can only buy snacks in single serving portions, one per day, it's the only way I won't binge eat."
"But that's so expensive, not to mention time-consuming. Going to the store every single day, just for one stupid snack, is a total pain in the ass. Besides, they don't even sell these chips in single serving portions. Are you really going to deprive yourself of the foods you want for the rest of your life?"
And is so often the case...
Sensible Khadija: 0.
Gluttonous, greedy, frighteningly persuasive Khadija: 11,354 arguments won.
I went home with the chips. And I actually did have my delicious salad for lunch but the minute my daughter went upstairs to play with grandma, the minute my boyfriend got on the phone with his brother for one of their marathon video game sessions, I caved.
Out came the sour cream and onion chips. On went Netflix. And I spent the rest of my afternoon binge watching Grace and Frankie and binge eating Ritz. You probably know the rest of my story. You may have been there a time or two yourself.
Since I'd already "blown it" for the day, when my boyfriend suggested we go pick up some take out at 10:30 p.m. I figured why not? I had nachos, pop chips with chipotle sauce and vegan thai chili wings for dinner, all while alternating between watching a documentary on Netflix and hating myself for having such poor eating habits, such non-existent will power and most of all, for setting such a poor example for my daughter.
Something has to change.
Not on Monday, after just one last weekend of binge eating. Not on Friday, the day after we go to the Taste of Chicago, and sample delicacies from Chicago's greatest restaurants and food trucks.
To hell with fitting into a bikini or size 6 jeans. I have to be a good role model for my daughter, TODAY. Because the love I have for potato chips cannot even begin to compare to the love I have for my child. I want to be strong and fit and HEALTHY and I want to live long enough to meet and greet my great-grandchildren, just like my 97 year old grandmother has done.
But I can't do this alone.
I've just joined a sparkteam that I think can help me on my journey to wellness. I'm going to keep you posted on my progress (or lack thereof) DAILY, and I'm going to reach out for help WHENEVER I need it.
My journey starts NOW.