Monday, July 06, 2015
I first want to start off by apologizing to those I haven't responded back to in a while. You guys are my truest friends, and although it takes strength sometimes to even log on, I don't want to lose anyone over my depression. After reading a Spark article that a friend linked me to that says "51 Things Happy People Do Differently," I knew that my chances of losing support were high if I didn't start talking again. I also knew that my depression would just keep spiraling out of control even more if I stopped concentrating on my feelings through my blogs. So here it goes... another update.
On my first blog, I described the horrible side effects of depression, including exhaustion. My most recent one written described the power of feeling happiness through things that we LOOK at or interact with. Well unfortunately since then, I haven't gotten to any redecorating of my rental... because devastatingly, I've been back to my "square one" blog. I'm not sure if some of my symptoms of depression took a little break while some parts of me were feeling better, but my worst symptom yet has reappeared: exhaustion. And my goodness did I forget how life controlling that is! This weekend I did nothing but sleep and sit on the couch in laziness, almost as if I was unable to move. I wasn't even able to enjoy Independence Day. This morning I was so exhausted that I cried because I didn't want the day to start. I CRIED! Which brings me to another symptom that came back... over sensitivity. My boyfriend and I watched the movie "8 Seconds" together the other day, and no kidding, I cried for an HOUR after that. I just couldn't stop! I'm going mad!
The exhaustion also causes a lack of an attention span and a very large gap between my brain and my muscles. I'm having a terrible time keeping up with school work. Me, being one who never makes a mistake in school work, even read the wrong chapter the other day. But that's almost okay, because I couldn't comprehend anything I read anyway.
It's been bad enough that my first 2 attempts at TMS failed because my fingers just wouldn't twitch! Finally, my 3rd attempt on July 2nd, was late enough in the day where they were able to find some movement, and we started my first treatment. I was also put on a new medication (Trileptal) and it was suggested that I go to my primary doctor and ask for a sleep study, and to also set up therapist appointments. The only problem is finding the time to do all of that, since the TMS (and school) is already taking up a lot as it is, and I'm so overwhelmed by it all!
This morning, after crying, I realized that my body just wouldn't WAKE UP! I took a 30 minute shower and was very close to being late to work... and all I did was bathe and condition my hair. I couldn't stop pondering how in the world I took 30 minutes to do only that! But when I'm depressed, this stuff happens quite frequently. I lose time... and the ability for my body to function well. It's 1:10, and I'm still messing up on typing every other word. (Thank goodness for automatic spell check). I don't really feel like talking to my coworkers either. It's like I'm a zombie with emotions... heck, while looking in the mirror earlier, I even LOOK like one. Since my shower ran late, I had time to put a decent application of make up on in the bathroom at work before my boss came in, and I still look like I walked straight out of a zombie movie. You know, without all the blood and missing skin though.
I'm. Just. So. Miserable. How did I get back to this point?!
I know this blog wasn't what anyone wanted to read. I wanted it to be a happier one too, and I'm sorry for bringing the mood down. But I desperately needed to write this, because I still need the support that you guys give me. I shall stop for now, since not only is this getting too depressing, but it is now time for my 2nd treatment of TMS. They said I might not start feeling better until 3 or 4 weeks of this, every single week day. Bummer.