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Silence is Golden

Sunday, July 05, 2015

A lot of people think that because I don't talk about things they say about me that I don't hear them, but I do. Or maybe they think that because I am mentally ill they have a right to talk about me as if I am absent and they know I won't say anything, but I hear. I have overheard people at work talking about me behind my back. Family members too. I did a blog not long ago about how I heard my dad say "Mary (my sister) was right, Loranne's a selfish b!tch." I said that it still hurts years later, my father died four years ago and when someone brings his essence into the picture, that's the first thing I think about. That's my strongest memory of my father. That is what I think of when I think of him. Not him cheering me on at soccer or swimming. Not him at my college graduation, but him validating my sister's notion that I am a selfish b!tch. How is she now? She is civil to my face but talks behind my back still, and I hear. It must be nice to be so goddamn perfect. I don't need others to point out my imperfections, I am very well aware of them without their input. They just add to the guilty voices in my head. But to be honest I don't have a lot of redeeming qualities to shove in their face so I just shut up and let them talk. Yes, talk more, the knife is not yet in my spine, please, dig a little deeper. Let it go, you don't need them. But you do, because you don't have anyone. So all the more reason not to speak up. Like a one way mirror, the words come in but they don't come out. I can look into a normal person's world but I cannot exist in it. Do you want to know why I have not killed myself? It is because I am afraid that after this existence, there is an even worse existence waiting for me. I don't believe in Hell, but what if I were to become one of those spirits doomed to roam the earth alone for all eternity. Or some other terrible existence that I have not imagined. To tell the truth, I am a little afraid to go to work tomorrow because I am afraid I'm going to get so wrapped up in the negativity around me (backstabbing coworkers, cranky customers, demanding managers, and, most of all, the critics in my head) that I am going to hurt myself there. They have this grill there and I have burned the sh!t out of myself on it before. Once I burned myself so much that the doctor told me that I would need surgery to fix my burns. It turned out that was not the case. So, I must go to sleep now. I have to get up for work tomorrow.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I think that probably every single person here on Spark people can tell a story of painful and hurtful events they've had in their lives when a family or friend has said something really unkind about them. My father disowned me and told me I wasn't worth the ground I walked on. That's just one example. Yes, it damages us. Yes, we'll probably never forget it. But we CAN rise from the ashes. This community here on Spark People is 'best friend' for a lot of people. It allows us to be ourselves. We support each other. So, well done for writing it out and giving us the opportunity to support you.

    You know yourself best, and if you think you are 'going down' into a dark place, please contact your mental health services. I don't know how it works in USA, but here in the UK we have community mental health nurses who help people manage their illness. I really hope you have something like that.

    In the meantime - keep Sparking! We're here for you! You're a Sparkly precious person!

    1733 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/5/2015 4:04:23 AM
    I know how you feel a little but after many years of being hurt I try to stay encouraged not let the mat sayer get me. When I feel dark & alone I pray mediate on the word. You might try to think of positive things get counseling it does help to have some help build you & be in your corner. Let what ails you be healed. Will you forget no but it might help you calm those voices & rise above what brings you down.

    God bless & be encourage....

    1733 days ago
    1733 days ago
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