Subtle Differences I Can Now Appreciate Being Healthier
Monday, June 29, 2015
By no stretch am I even remotely near my goal but I can tell you that today I sure feel like I hit my goal in terms of subtleties of ease I slowly lost since gaining so much weight that today I have regained. I feel like running down the street and shouting. I feel like there needs to be a parade for me today!
It is so sad how I let weight gain rob me of so many small things to the point where I learned to live with so little while "existing" so large. At my heaviest weight I was 304. I could say that out loud today but for a long time that was my hidden shame. Yes I was big but I hid "how big". I will never forget my lowest point when I knew I had to change. In 2013, I was playing with my young son and his toy fell and rolled under the bed. Well like any other kid he wanted me to get it for him. And I remember standing there looking at the bed trying to figure out how I was going to get his toy because I knew that if I went down there to get it I did not know if could get back up. I felt so disappointed and disgusted in myself. Then I thought about my son and how I was robbing him of the mother he deserved and if I continued down this path it was almost certain that he would not even have a mother.
I remember things like:
- not being able to bend over to put on my shoes- so I had a collection of slide on shoes.
-making up excuses why I did not want to go anywhere that required me getting on a plane because I did not want the embarrassment of not being able to fit in a seat or worse, sitting next to someone and having them give me that disgusted look.
-I used to have this daunting pain in the back of my left thigh. Sometimes it got so bad that could not sleep, sit or stand for a period of time. I thought it was a blood clot or something serious so I went to my doctor only to be told that it was pressure on the leg. HORRIFIC. I was crushing myself with this weight.
And those were just the tip of the problems. Today 65lbs lighter I am out of my 22/24 clothes and fitting into size 16's again. I go to the park with my son and go on the swings and slide and even the hanging bars. I run with him and I don't get winded just walking to the park. I can bend, get back up, cross my legs and even wear my heals again. I went to my own made hell but now I am back and just the thought of going back to that dark place is my true motivation for staying on track.
Today, I just needed to take a moment to reflect on my journey so far. I am so blessed to have come so far. But I am also thankful that I went to that dark place and had the grace and strength from God to crawl out to truly be grateful for things I took for granted before I had to fight to get them back.
Today I feel so happy just to be alive!!!! There were so many times that I thought I was going to eat myself to death, Die in my sleep or had the fear that my heart would simply say "enough" and stop. But it didn't. And I am thankful!