Mama needs a drink.
Monday, June 15, 2015
I am coming to grips with a destructive bent toward perfectionism. An "all-or-nothing" attitude that has held me back, because, if I feel I'm not doing it PERFECTLY, I give up on myself.
I have a fun "mini-vacation" this weekend, and the thought of it has been stressing me out. Isn't that sad? Vacation should not stress me out. Vacation--just a little weekend trip with some friends we never get to see (whose kids are similar in age)--should be something I look forward to!
Instead, my mind has been going a mile a minute. NOT focusing on today (as I should be). NOT focusing on the great progress I am making. Instead, my subconscious has been nattering away: How will I fit in exercise? (What will the weather be like? Will it be rude? Will I even feel like a run?) How will I hit my eating goals? WHAT IF I OVERINDULGE IN WINE?!?!?
And then I realize: I WANT to overindulge in wine.
I almost never drink, truly. This is my vacation. We're going to stay up late, having drinks and laughing and catching up. And, yes, I can absolutely drink (some) water, too. Yes, I can watch my calories during the day (but I'm not going to starve all day to "save" calories for drinking... that's a disaster. I know, because I tried it in my 20s on Weight Watchers!)
And then it hit me. This is all wrapped up in "perfectionism" for me. Especially poisonous because I'm just starting out again on Spark.
I don't actually have to be perfect all four days of vacation. I just have to be okay. Thinking ahead isn't all bad. I need to pack my running gear and talk to my husband about sneaking some exercise time into our busy schedule. I should think about what my "treats" will be (and ENJOY the heck out of them!), and pack plenty of healthy snacks. And... I should realize that this might not be a week where I lose a pound. It doesn't have to mean the END of my sparking... it doesn't mean failure if I drink more than a glass of wine after the kids go to bed. (Because we both know I'm going to.)
I've realized that my journey this summer is not only about getting back into the swing of things... it's about doing so SUSTAINABLY. It's going to take me the better part of a year to reach my goal. Even admitting that -- coming to grips with it -- is progress for me. My mindset has always been "faster, better, PERFECT!" (And then a puff of wind hits me and my flimsy, "perfect" little house of cards collapses into a carb-craving couch potato.)
Committing to weight loss is scary for me because the subtext in the back of my brain is shouting: "It's about NEVER HAVING FUN AGAIN!!"
I KNOW that's wrong. But it's still hard to focus with some dummy shouting in the background.
To make this work I have to believe (and make my actions follow the belief) that it's about balance. Not every week is going to be a "knock it out of the park" week. (Just as not every weekend this summer can be "vacation mentality.") And I have to stop stressing.
I'm going to have fun. Track everything. Honestly. Exercise at least twice (of 4 days). Do my best to make the early part of the week "perfect" (see? There's that word again!!)... and then keep cruising along on my summer weight loss adventure.