Good moments are out there; recognition is what's stopping us!
Monday, June 15, 2015
I had to stop and think about what type of blog I wanted to write before I added a blog entry title. Things have still been tough, but would I be lying if I said there weren't good moments with the bad? Would I be lying if I say life isn't worth it anymore? Yes, I would be.
Arguments rise quickly, along with my adrenaline. The combination frustrates me and causes me anguish and tears. And it doesn't stop there. My hurtful words transmit to the ones I love most. This is the one part of depression that still strikes me most heavily. I never mean what I say, but I also can't really help but to yell them anyway. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." How many of you have read this quote/nursery rhyme and felt that it was so much of bologna? Words, of anything, can hurt WORSE than broken bones. So why do I go around "breaking bones"? I'm not really sure; it's something inside me that I can never quite understand. It's the anger that hides within this depression, and controlling it is tough!
But let's move away from the side effects of deep depression for once, since most of you know what that's like anyway. Let me discuss my weekend and my day today.
This weekend wasn't much of anything... more fights than none. But there WERE good times. On Friday night my boyfriend and I watched a few episodes of Orange is the New Black (for those who don't know, I am crazy about this show!). And on Saturday night, I had my first drink in 4 months... a Mango-Rita large can... which I proceeded to drink all of. Many of you may not agree, but I actually kind of needed it. It let me cut loose from my struggles for a few hours, and give me hope of what fun I could have again. I HAD FUN, and all I did was sit at home. Now, I don't plan on doing it every weekend, so please don't worry. The hope thing is what I'm really trying to emphasize. I am also quite excited about seeing Jurassic World next Saturday. Dinosaurs are like MY FAVORITE! I have a dinosaur backpack and a cute dinosaur t-shirt. OH, you don't even know!
Anyway... I didn't really know what today would bring me when I was thinking about it last night. Today, I would sign on to my first Summer class in ages... which, if you don't know, go twice as fast as any normal class. Today also just so happened to be a Monday, and I also just so happened to get no sleep last night. But I tried not to let it hold me back. I "got up" at 4:45, went to the gym, and decided to do a virtual class session (yeah, my gym is cool like that!)
I chose something that would be fun and help me through the day, so I chose a short Zumba session. Half way through the workout someone walked into the same room, and was obviously surprised to see me dancing! I told him I was sorry, and that dancing makes me feel alive again. He told me to just keep moving, and not to worry at all about rushing (even though I guessed quickly that he usually gives personal training lessons at that time). Instead of rushing me, he sat in the room and was basically my cheerleader the whole time! Then he high-fived me when I was finished... and the clients waiting on me high-fived me as well!! It made me amazing to know that people actually reached out and told me not to give up, even when it affected THEIR time. The fact that it was only to a Zumba video isn't the point. The point is, I realized how many amazing people there are out there... even on this site alone! And you guys know who you are, I wouldn't know what to do without you.
Sorry for getting off track, now back to my day. Earlier I signed on to my class, and was immediately overwhelmed by the amount of work that lays ahead of me these next 7 weeks. But then I thought to myself, instead of dropping out now, how much accomplishment would I feel if I finished the class with one of my usual high grades? I would feel on top of the world, of course!
So there you have it... the bad AND the good. Good moments are out there... we just have to pick them out of the bad. And recognition is the only thing stopping us.