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Day ? - New Days Don't Matter Anymore

Tuesday, June 09, 2015

Difficult doesn't even begin to describe what I'm going through. I may have all the material and non-material things I could possibly want in my life, including a roof over my head, a loving boyfriend, and a family I still keep contact with, but what I still don't have is happiness.

My recent fatigue and depression stage has hit a new low, and now I don't enjoy anything anymore... not even a new day. Remember when you used to get upset or binged too much, or even had a rough day in general, and all you had to do was say "Well look on the bright side, tomorrow is a new day!"? Well to me, new days don't matter anymore. Because I know what awaits... more of THIS.

Depression changes everything. It has changed me into a gross, lazy, unproductive person who gets agitated easily and doesn't have any enjoyment. By gross, I don't mean that I don't shower every day (if I could get away with it though I probably wouldn't!)... what I do mean is that I will let my dishes build up for an entire 4 days before washing them. Society calls that a slob, but I call it the extreme side effects of depression. Oh, but there are many more side effects than these, making life unbearable. My cognitive skills have declined. Once a spelling bee fanatic, my grammar and spelling have also decreased dramatically. And food is also causing an issue. Some days I'll eat WHATEVER I want, but on some others I will just wait until dinner to eat since I could care less to cook and wake up too late to do so, even if I wanted to cook breakfast anyway. And fatigue, the worst side effect of all. Due to slouching in my chair, my back has recently been bothering me. Power naps are useful, but not always available to me. I'm SUFFERING, and feel like a wounded animal.

Hope, however, is not all lost, even though sometimes I wish it was so I would have a good excuse to stop the suffering now. (AND YES, I KNOW... THERE IS NEVER A GOOD EXCUSE FOR GOING THERE, but if only you guys knew how I felt right now, maybe you'd understand). Sorry about that. Anyway...
I got a call this morning telling me that I was approved for TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) treatments, and once the paperwork is filed in a week or so with the insurance company, I can start making appointments. It sounds harsh, but there are virtually little side effects, and I can even drive back to work afterwards. I really need this, or at least something in my life to carry me through this. I can't do this on my own, but honestly at this point I don't feel I can do this at all.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Well, at least there is something to get excited about! I will have to read up on TMS, but it sounds promising. I hope it helps.

    What you are going through is really hard. I have been there, but it was many years ago. I probably wasn't much older than you. I thought I would never get through it. Every day was darker than the one before. I do understand.

    I can tell you that, at least from your blog posts, your grammar and spelling are just fine. It actually made me smile to read that. I was like, "Really???" So thanks for that. :)

    Depression is hard, not just on you, but on those around you. I hope it helps to say that it gets better. It really does. I'm proof that we can pull ourselves out of the darkness. It's really hard, but it's worth it.
    1995 days ago
    HAng in there young friend. Find something, as I know there is positive in your life to focus on. You need to start swimming. Your body is not gross and you are a very attractive woman. Your BF is a lucky guy.
    1995 days ago
    Yes, we're on a roll with some downer blogs, I agree lol. Thank you for the back exercise tips though, I will definitely look them up and try them when I get home later today.
    1996 days ago
    Keep on with the vitamin shake, and if your back hurts, when you're home, helpful tips from a prego woman that has back pain:

    Spinal flex. Easy, google and see. Sit down with your hands resting out on your knees, sitting indian style/cross legged.... Lean or bend forward with your head tucked down, and then bend back straight or slightly more back with your head back.

    Get on your hands and knees and do cat cows - that thing where you bend your stomach and back towards the floor with your head up, then switch to your mid back reaching upwards with your head ducked....

    While on hands and knees, do a kind of torso twists - bending only your elbows to do the twists

    Lastly, lower yourself until you're almost lying and then do a kind of wave, slowly raise your head and then your chest and back as if you're curving around a ball... these should help crack kinks out of your back, just do them slowly...plus it's a little work out.

    You can pull through and hopefully the treatments help =] As you can tell, my recent blog is depressing too hah...
    1996 days ago
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