Day ? - New Days Don't Matter Anymore
Tuesday, June 09, 2015
Difficult doesn't even begin to describe what I'm going through. I may have all the material and non-material things I could possibly want in my life, including a roof over my head, a loving boyfriend, and a family I still keep contact with, but what I still don't have is happiness.
My recent fatigue and depression stage has hit a new low, and now I don't enjoy anything anymore... not even a new day. Remember when you used to get upset or binged too much, or even had a rough day in general, and all you had to do was say "Well look on the bright side, tomorrow is a new day!"? Well to me, new days don't matter anymore. Because I know what awaits... more of THIS.
Depression changes everything. It has changed me into a gross, lazy, unproductive person who gets agitated easily and doesn't have any enjoyment. By gross, I don't mean that I don't shower every day (if I could get away with it though I probably wouldn't!)... what I do mean is that I will let my dishes build up for an entire 4 days before washing them. Society calls that a slob, but I call it the extreme side effects of depression. Oh, but there are many more side effects than these, making life unbearable. My cognitive skills have declined. Once a spelling bee fanatic, my grammar and spelling have also decreased dramatically. And food is also causing an issue. Some days I'll eat WHATEVER I want, but on some others I will just wait until dinner to eat since I could care less to cook and wake up too late to do so, even if I wanted to cook breakfast anyway. And fatigue, the worst side effect of all. Due to slouching in my chair, my back has recently been bothering me. Power naps are useful, but not always available to me. I'm SUFFERING, and feel like a wounded animal.
Hope, however, is not all lost, even though sometimes I wish it was so I would have a good excuse to stop the suffering now. (AND YES, I KNOW... THERE IS NEVER A GOOD EXCUSE FOR GOING THERE, but if only you guys knew how I felt right now, maybe you'd understand). Sorry about that. Anyway...
I got a call this morning telling me that I was approved for TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) treatments, and once the paperwork is filed in a week or so with the insurance company, I can start making appointments. It sounds harsh, but there are virtually little side effects, and I can even drive back to work afterwards. I really need this, or at least something in my life to carry me through this. I can't do this on my own, but honestly at this point I don't feel I can do this at all.