JUSTJAIMESIZED
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Trying to keep steady - Day 5

Sunday, June 07, 2015

Some of those kind few that check up on me every day have noticed that I did not have a Day 4 posted. Unfortunately, these past 2 days have been gruesome. I want to apologize to those I haven't gotten back to yet, and I assure you that I will soon. I'm sorry again.
I'll explain these past two days now, since these blogs have not only because just a blog, but almost as a diary as well.

Yesterday, the 5th. Wow if only I could put it into words. I was exhausted again, and although I could stay awake all through the work day, it was still a bit tiring and frustrating to not feel like doing anything. There were things I could have gotten done at work... I could've been a well-rounded and productive employee... but I wasn't. I was the one the boss should have fired long ago for not doing jack squat.

When I got home I started feeling better that I was off work, but then my boyfriend came in the door in the worst mood possible due to his work place. It isn't like him to act like he did, and although he didn't take anything out on me specifically, it still brought me back down. We both became tense, and then little arguments eventually started up. I cracked, and told him just how awful I've been feeling lately. Usually he only hears how depressed I am, but I've never told him how I feel when I'm suicidal. I think in the end the talk really helped, but the tension was still there.

This morning Zach and I were having a pretty good day. It was really good, and although I wasn't in a 100% awesome mood, Zach was. At 2 o'clock, I went to meet my best friend for some frozen yogurt (Zach hates social functions, so he stays home). He never minds my hanging out with my friends whosoever; he's just on the socially awkward side. Anyway, I got back, and we still continued to have a decent day. We went to this really nice boot store, looked at puppies, and then grabbed some steak. Half way through our plans, I started getting a little cranky from fatigue. We must've had at least 8 mini arguments before he laid down for bed. And Zach and I NEVER fight.

I used to be this fun person who rolled everything off my shoulders. Stress? It wasn't there, or I pushed it back when it was. Depression? I did good to hide it until eventually faded. But this time is much different; it's a depression I've never felt before, and it's a depression I can't shake. I want to be the person I used to, but I'm almost afraid that I won't get to know what she's like again.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • JUSTJAIMESIZED
    DIAMONDTEAR,

    I agree about wishing there was a "like" button for comments. You, SRWYLIE, and IOWARHINO have the best comments a girl could hope for on a blog like this. Thank you all.
    1997 days ago
  • DIAMONDTEAR
    Blogs need like buttons for comments.......js.
    1997 days ago
  • SRWYLIE
    Hi Jaime, I hope you'll let an old guy chime in with his two cents... Depression is serious and needs to be addressed. You are burning your candle at both ends and three points in the middle! You have a lot on your plate with work and school and Zach, and it's not surprising that you are finding yourself at the bottom of a really deep hole.

    I love what DiamondTear said about how to communicate when you're feeling tired (and I'm going to remember that for myself too!). It's so important to communicate your physical and mental state in a way that's isn't combative or confrontational, so at least you can protect your psyche from damage.

    Depression runs in my family, and I understand what you're going through. Please make sure you have good medical care, and discuss your emotional situation with your doctor. Try to maintain balance among all the competing factors in your life, and I hope Zach can understand that he needs to be supportive and encouraging to you during this hectic time in your life.

    What's good is that you're 24 and have an amazing life ahead of you. You're getting your education, and you have an important fulltime job as well. I bet you're really good at what you do, too. I hope you found a reason to smile today.

    Hang in there! You can do this!
    1997 days ago
  • DIAMONDTEAR
    You need to keep up your days! Don't give up on them, don't take breaks from trying to work yourself out a bit =]
    1997 days ago
  • IOWALONEWOLF
    This one was totally different reading after reading days 1 through 3. Still pulling for you!!! Thinking happy thoughts for you!!
    1998 days ago
  • IOWALONEWOLF
    You hang in there sweet girl. I think about you every day and wish there was a way for me to sponge away some of the darkness in your life. I believe you are an amazing woman and that in the end you will find that woman you used to know. You have too much resolve to not find her.
    1998 days ago
  • DIAMONDTEAR
    I think depression can be a lot like someone so morbidly obese wanting to lose weight.. someone that's 250lbs and says "I'll never be this weight' and then they do - be it 300lbs or whatnot, and they try to lose the weight but not with enough determination and just make a new high that they won't hit - until eventually they're well over 400lbs and the thought of losing weight and becoming healthy just feels...so out of view...

    You've gotten so far in your depression for not finding someone to talk to about every little thing, to be your ear; for containing things. Depression, from what I understand, is still not fully understood on how it's obtained, but bottling the emotions isn't good, just as it's not good to be verbally abusive but once you become so used to it - it becomes something so much worse you do not know how to deal with it...

    on that obese topic, you want this, you want to lose it, you want to be this and that - you want to stop feeling like this, but the only way you can do that is try to force yourself to do at least 5 minutes each day of something to turn the situation around. Writing on paper what you love about yourself and then telling yourself in the mirror and keep repeating them until you smile naturally while saying them;
    ___
    My fiance and I have been together 3 years...so I feel on the arguments.. We went through the puppy phase for the first year but did have some bad arguments.. you need to learn to just... say you can't do this in your state of mind right now and ask for just a break to step away from one another, calm down, and confront one another on what has the other down... Stepping away from the issue when you're both feeling hot headed.. I recommend that once you've both get home from work - separate for an hour, get your minds out of the work zone.... ask once that hour is up if they're good to talk about their day - and proceed. if ever the talking starts to boil, stand up - "Separate corners", calm down, return... You have depression, he just has bad days.. You need to learn to work with each other to not add to the fuel and cause issues with one another as well...

    If you recognize you're cranky because you're tired, state "Please, anything I say from here, don't take to heart - I'm really tired", just as one would say when they're in a bad mood but wanting to be around a friend... and just keep repeating it if you so much as think something you said could be misunderstood as being mean... It's a process - so if that's not something you do already, sit him down this weekend and tell him how you want to start taking care of these moments ^-^ Healthy relationships argue.. just make sure you argue in a healthy way.
    1999 days ago
  • ZRIE014
    have a nice weekend
    1999 days ago
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