Trying to keep steady - Day 5
Sunday, June 07, 2015
Some of those kind few that check up on me every day have noticed that I did not have a Day 4 posted. Unfortunately, these past 2 days have been gruesome. I want to apologize to those I haven't gotten back to yet, and I assure you that I will soon. I'm sorry again.
I'll explain these past two days now, since these blogs have not only because just a blog, but almost as a diary as well.
Yesterday, the 5th. Wow if only I could put it into words. I was exhausted again, and although I could stay awake all through the work day, it was still a bit tiring and frustrating to not feel like doing anything. There were things I could have gotten done at work... I could've been a well-rounded and productive employee... but I wasn't. I was the one the boss should have fired long ago for not doing jack squat.
When I got home I started feeling better that I was off work, but then my boyfriend came in the door in the worst mood possible due to his work place. It isn't like him to act like he did, and although he didn't take anything out on me specifically, it still brought me back down. We both became tense, and then little arguments eventually started up. I cracked, and told him just how awful I've been feeling lately. Usually he only hears how depressed I am, but I've never told him how I feel when I'm suicidal. I think in the end the talk really helped, but the tension was still there.
This morning Zach and I were having a pretty good day. It was really good, and although I wasn't in a 100% awesome mood, Zach was. At 2 o'clock, I went to meet my best friend for some frozen yogurt (Zach hates social functions, so he stays home). He never minds my hanging out with my friends whosoever; he's just on the socially awkward side. Anyway, I got back, and we still continued to have a decent day. We went to this really nice boot store, looked at puppies, and then grabbed some steak. Half way through our plans, I started getting a little cranky from fatigue. We must've had at least 8 mini arguments before he laid down for bed. And Zach and I NEVER fight.
I used to be this fun person who rolled everything off my shoulders. Stress? It wasn't there, or I pushed it back when it was. Depression? I did good to hide it until eventually faded. But this time is much different; it's a depression I've never felt before, and it's a depression I can't shake. I want to be the person I used to, but I'm almost afraid that I won't get to know what she's like again.