enough is enough
Thursday, June 04, 2015
I've had some interesting revelations this week. it's funny how often that happens on this journey.
one actually has to do with a blog comment I received a week or so ago. to paraphrase, I'm lazy. this wasn't meant in a bad way, I was not offended by it. it made me think. basically, I want a certain lifestyle and health status, but I don't want to do everything that is needed to get there. the comment was made in response to me having a fear of success. I feel I self-sabotage myself to hinder my weightloss, but what if I'm really trying to find the easy way out? I'm not giving it 100%. I'm being lazy. I'd rather push snooze, or watch Netflix than going for a walk or pop in a workout dvd.
stress is the other thing I'm dealing with. I'm stressed. this is nothing new. I'm at such a level of stress that I don't even consider it stress anymore, it's just the way I am. but recently, work has been stressful that's made me feel stressed. I must be off the charts if I can actually feel it. so I've been eating.
I read a blog a couple days ago that got me thinking. It was about loving your body. I have a lot of self-hatred. I hate how I look, I hate how I feel, I am so mad at myself for letting myself become overweight. so why am I blaming my body? my body has done nothing wrong. I've chosen to poison it with alcohol on a regular basis, I've chosen to poison it with chemicals and processed foods rather than healthy, whole foods, I've chosen to not workout and help my body stay fit and in shape. so why should I hate my body when all it's done is deal with the abuse and keep going for another day. I take so much advantage of my health and I'm not doing anything to help it.
today I've been feeling trapped, or stuck. I'm not really sure which, or even if those are the correct adjectives. I buy all this healthy food and plan great, healthy meals. and then I buy a candy bar, eat cookies, drink soda, buy chips and dip. why? because I'm afraid i'll make goal and then gain it all back. the shame! what will I do when I get to my goal and then slowly gain it all back and people point and judge me? so I'd just prefer to stay obese and let them point and judge? I think I finally pinpointed the reason for my self-sabotage. why do I have to gain it back? why can't I reach my goal at a healthy pace and stay there living my new healthy lifestyle? because I've failed in the past. I've recently gained 10 lbs.
but I'm not the same person I was 8 years ago when I lost all the weight and then gained it back and then some. I've learned loads about life, myself and being healthy since then. I just need to put what I've learned into effect and get this weight off. I can't keep living with these excuses.
tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. I'm not starting over, I'm getting back on track. I say tomorrow cause today has already been tarnished with kit-kats and diet dr. pepper. today is for planning. tomorrow is when I start the journey to a new me!
I'm going to focus on my goals. I'm going to make plans and stick with them. I'm going to put my health first. I have no other option! I'm going to learn to love myself and appreciate my body for what it is capable of doing. I'm going to treat it with respect. when I think of my body now I just picture a dog that was just kicked by it's trusted owner. better than how I normally picture my body.
here's to tomorrow! now I'm off to make a plan.