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Friday, May 29, 2015

Not long after writing my last blog I went up to my room and sobbed for about 40minutes. I had my head pressed against some blankets and could hear someone hammering outside my window. I wondered who it was when I realised that it was my heart beating in my head. Eventually my mum came in and tried to talk to me. People like me with borderline personality disorder mostly see the world as being full of people who are for with them or against them. There is no in between. Having heard that my mum wanted me to leave the house, the closest person to me in the world was now against me. And I was utterly alone. And terrified. I just shouted at her to get out. When she tried to touch me, I scrambled to the other side of the bed. Pretty soon 911 was called cause no one knew what to do. I was afraid to talk to anyone, I was afraid to move from the bed. They gave me a shot of something that made me relax and I went to the hospital. I slept a long time. Now I'm home, I'm taking my medication properly (I missed some the day before) and I am having some anxiety at times. I don't want to be touched. I want to be left alone. But I have been back to work and been fine there. I think I really need to get out of this house. I'll try to find a group house like they suggested but I'll move into a shelter until I get off the waiting list. My goal is to move out this week. I feel so bad I just don't have words to describe it. I could say sad or depressed but it's so much more. It's so much worse. I've had tooth pain where I was begging and pleading for codine and this is so much worse. I can literally feel the weight of it sitting in my chest where my heart is.
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