I don't want to die.
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
No one enjoys reading blogs about depression, which I understand completely because quite frankly, it’s the fastest mood killer. In fact I’m sure many people out there avoid them like the plague because it brings down their moods, which honestly makes it very difficult for people like me… the ones who are depressed. There are many times that I need people to talk to, just to see that when I do open up they usually give me 1 of 4 different reactions: the “just be happy already!” reaction, the “I wish I could help you but don’t know how…” reaction, the “God will heal you, just put your faith in him” reaction, and the “yeah you’re just trying to get attention” reaction. They don’t understand that I just want someone to talk to; someone to tell me that they’ve felt the same things I have every once in a while. Just to have a common ground.
I haven’t attempted suicide before, but it doesn’t mean that being here is any less hard than those who have tried. Why am I supposedly so depressed but haven’t attempted, you ask? Because I have seen what suicide does to those who are left behind; there have already been 2 suicides in my family. I don’t want to do that to the ones that are left, and I’m hanging on as long as I can.
Since I’ve been diagnosed with depression ten years ago at the age of 14, I’ve been fighting. I’ve tried probably 20 different medications, and nothing has worked. I’m more exhausted and depressed than ever before, and the thought of having to start over the same medications in different combinations is my worst fear. And now that fear has come true. Great. Another waiting game… another few months on one combination, just to be switched to another and another… taking away my memory and tiring out my want to be here.
I’ve tried so many things to help me heal, and not only through the use of medications. Many of you out there believe in more natural alternatives, and I’ve tried them all, trust me. Of course eating healthy, exercising, and meditating has been proven to help treat depression, but have you ever been so depressed that you literally can’t make yourself exercise anymore, or that you are too exhausted to cook? Have you ever been so depressed that you just want to sleep, and nothing else really matters? If you’ve never experienced depression, please believe me when I say that it’s more difficult that trying to use just pure willpower. I've even tried believing in a higher power. I went to church, I did research, I listened to sermons, and I prayed. But that's not the way the human brain works; you can't just try to believe if you never have before.
I don’t want to die. I WANT to live, I WANT to finish my degree and become a professional Accountant, I WANT to keep in contact with the family I have left, I WANT to buy a house and live in it with the love of my life. But I also WANT to be HAPPY, and this pain I'm in every day is too much to handle. Have any of you guys ever felt this way? Wanting to live, but also not wanting to deal with the pain of depression at the same time? It's so hard to live like this. I’m at a loss of what to do, and now my psychiatrist doesn’t even know what to tell me anymore. Funny how that works, isn't it? They think that sending you to a psychiatrist will eventually make you better, but then after several failed years the psychiatrist doesn't even know what to say anymore.