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I don't want to die.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

No one enjoys reading blogs about depression, which I understand completely because quite frankly, it’s the fastest mood killer. In fact I’m sure many people out there avoid them like the plague because it brings down their moods, which honestly makes it very difficult for people like me… the ones who are depressed. There are many times that I need people to talk to, just to see that when I do open up they usually give me 1 of 4 different reactions: the “just be happy already!” reaction, the “I wish I could help you but don’t know how…” reaction, the “God will heal you, just put your faith in him” reaction, and the “yeah you’re just trying to get attention” reaction. They don’t understand that I just want someone to talk to; someone to tell me that they’ve felt the same things I have every once in a while. Just to have a common ground.

I haven’t attempted suicide before, but it doesn’t mean that being here is any less hard than those who have tried. Why am I supposedly so depressed but haven’t attempted, you ask? Because I have seen what suicide does to those who are left behind; there have already been 2 suicides in my family. I don’t want to do that to the ones that are left, and I’m hanging on as long as I can.

Since I’ve been diagnosed with depression ten years ago at the age of 14, I’ve been fighting. I’ve tried probably 20 different medications, and nothing has worked. I’m more exhausted and depressed than ever before, and the thought of having to start over the same medications in different combinations is my worst fear. And now that fear has come true. Great. Another waiting game… another few months on one combination, just to be switched to another and another… taking away my memory and tiring out my want to be here.

I’ve tried so many things to help me heal, and not only through the use of medications. Many of you out there believe in more natural alternatives, and I’ve tried them all, trust me. Of course eating healthy, exercising, and meditating has been proven to help treat depression, but have you ever been so depressed that you literally can’t make yourself exercise anymore, or that you are too exhausted to cook? Have you ever been so depressed that you just want to sleep, and nothing else really matters? If you’ve never experienced depression, please believe me when I say that it’s more difficult that trying to use just pure willpower. I've even tried believing in a higher power. I went to church, I did research, I listened to sermons, and I prayed. But that's not the way the human brain works; you can't just try to believe if you never have before.

I don’t want to die. I WANT to live, I WANT to finish my degree and become a professional Accountant, I WANT to keep in contact with the family I have left, I WANT to buy a house and live in it with the love of my life. But I also WANT to be HAPPY, and this pain I'm in every day is too much to handle. Have any of you guys ever felt this way? Wanting to live, but also not wanting to deal with the pain of depression at the same time? It's so hard to live like this. I’m at a loss of what to do, and now my psychiatrist doesn’t even know what to tell me anymore. Funny how that works, isn't it? They think that sending you to a psychiatrist will eventually make you better, but then after several failed years the psychiatrist doesn't even know what to say anymore.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm actually going into psychology for my bachelors (I'd do my masters for professional counseling but uhm...statistics is a no go with me)

    The more mild the depression, the more possible it is to treat it with mind tricks, that much I know... The whole "compliment yourself in the mirror" or have loved ones tell you something positive on a daily basis, to hug more and be hugged, to smile more, do this, do that...

    But psych also taught me a lot of people have considered suicide at least once in their life, and I'm not afraid to admit that that applies to even me. Although the thoughts are not as often or as strong as they were when I was a kid and felt like nothing more than a breathing, eating, sleeping shadow that didn't get noticed - I had to admit that it was once a big history of thought process for me - to my doctor because I'm pregnant and those thoughts may eventually become a reality and boom - no one thought this time you were serious.. I don't need the help anymore, the thoughts are there but I know how to shuffle them off.

    For MYSELF, I never attempted my life because I hate pain - and pain is a major thing with those.. unless you drink too much alcohol - which my body seems to have a limit and refuses me to even hold a bottle once it feels that limit has been reached, so that's actually pretty cool. Never black out haha... As for taking too many pills? I gag every time trying to down tablets. It's a mental anxiety attack because it could get stuck in my throat and my body panics - so there goes another method, and every other way you're going to have a panic attack cuz you can't breath, or see the ground coming at you, or your neck or some part of your body hurts.... Ohh, I've thought about suicide since I was 4 years old. Believe it or not, I told my mother how much I hated myself at 4 years old.. so much I wished I could tear my skin off - and even gestured that I meant with my bare hands.

    I hated what I had become, or rather, how I felt. A shadow everyone had to take care of but couldn't relate to. It didn't change growing up. I was like a background character, a lone person in a theater watching a movie and wishing I could join... I'm guessing it's a lot like depression because you know where your mind is, you know how your body feels, but deep in the back of your head your trying the theater doors, trying to escape and join the world of the living, but you're locked up tight. Sometimes you find a little loophole or make it out the door before the depression police find you, chide you, and put you back in - locked up tighter than before....

    A lot of what you're expressing is normal for those with what you have but you seem more awake to what is going on. Find what your body is lacking and try to work on it because your doctors can only do so much, too. Once you've got some energy back and able to be more....awake..... schedule an appointment with your doctor, explain what you've been doing and beg them to do their part in helping you reclaim your life. Depression is both a health issue as well as a mental, and unless you want to see a psychiatrist - tackle the health part in whichever ways you can and find out what helps your mental health - whether it's finding an ear to listen to you and be the words of encouragement, or to question what YOU think you hear and see (like when you stated in your "Day 3" blog of people judging as you walked - when it could be jealousy because it can look just as mean sometimes) to help you change your view of the world and how it views you.
    2002 days ago
    emoticon BLOG!! emoticon emoticon

    You have just told my own story!! The few 'differences' are that you are 24 and a female!

    I felt the same way as you at that age. Hell . . I didn't WANT to live to be 30 . . 30 was OLD!! And . . I was suicidal as well. I wanted to jump to my death at 30. I drank a quart of rum every night along with a 12 pack of beer! I was sure 'God' hated me as I have been excommunicated from several churches as I would not/could not conform to some of their tenets/teachings. I was seriously depressed ! I tried a few anti-depressants to no avail !

    I had a glum and gloomy view of the future and I saw no 'Hope' for myself nor life changing at all! Many of my family members drank themselves to death . . they died of acute alcoholism and none of them reached 55 years old. Now . . here is the part where I say . .'I thought that is what I was supposed to do' . . I did not know what else to do!

    A family member told me to go to a 12 step meeting(Write me if you want to know the name of the group . . anonymity). At my second meeting, a man said something to me that shook me to my soul . . He said . . "YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIVE THIS WAY ANYMORE" !! I thought I did . . I did not know anything else . . I did not know what else to do .. that was all I knew and as I said . . it was a way the whole family lived for years!

    A 'Spiritual Experience' or 'Spiritual Awakening' is nothing more than a change in attitude/personality sufficient to bring about recovery (from anything.. alcohol..drugs.. cigarettes..gambling.. even depression)!

    What you believe is what you believe and you believe it to be true . . BUT . . just because you believe it . . doesn't always make it true! Many people believe that snow is white . . and it is simply not true . . snow is not white! It gives the ILLUSION of being white . . yet when it melts . . it goes back to water with no color! (Where does the white go??)

    I personally feel the same with depression . . it may perhaps be an illusion. I took many 'drugs' designed to help my depression . . but they did not work for me. When I decided not to live that way anymore . . I sought out solutions/ways to 'rethink' situations as well as my outlook on life itself! (Disclaimer here . . I am NOT saying you may/may not have clinical depression . . IF the drugs they gave me did not work . . then perhaps I did not have the illness)

    When I focused on the problem . the problem increased. But when I focused on the solution . . the problem went away! We are what we focus on!

    'Happy-Destiny' is a dream for the future.. an ideal and a promise of focus!

    2007 days ago
    No, you are not alone. emoticon all I can say is just hold on. You are worth it.
    2011 days ago
    Are you allowed to have any pets, where you live ? emoticon emoticon
    Having a pet can prove to be very rewarding to the way one feels.
    2011 days ago
    Thanks for the honesty, grace and forgiveness through God is what did it for me. My prayers will be there for you.
    2011 days ago
    This was very difficult to read and I don't want to fall into one of the four categories. I imagine you are an intelligent woman and have done your research. have you read Chris Downie's book The Spark? Also there is some interesting questions and information on depression in the Trivia questions and I imagine there are some articles here as well.

    I don't want to pretend to have answers. I understand what you are trying to say, and it hurts to read your words. I have had my bouts with depression, but I have never been diagnosed.

    I have just tried to exercise and deal with life in my own way. It's not easy, but you are a beautiful woman, and I applaud you in your efforts to get your degree. I got my accounting degree in 1981, so yes i am very old, and it will be a major accomplishment for you.
    2011 days ago
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