Sharing this journey..
Monday, May 25, 2015
Somehow sharing this journey seems far more intimate than any of my relationships ever did. I refrain from posting when I should because it seems like I'm opening myself up for all sorts of hate and disappointment. I know, logically of course, that this is not what the community on Sparkpeople is about. However, when you're used to being rejected or just ignored because you are big, you come to expect that reaction no matter what you do or where you go.
I am not a person who has a lot of friends. I never have been. Point of fact my mom is my closest friend. I'm sure this is true of many women. My best girlfriend is in Kentucky about 1,700 miles away in a town not far from my brother and his family. And my second best gal pal is about an hour and a half away and very pregnant at the moment. (Oh the irony of role reversal in that one but, that's a story for another time.) So, I don't have much of a local support system here. I don't socialize much and I don't feel like I fit in anywhere anyway.
I can't do what the others do most of the time. People don't understand that even walking around the mall is a difficult thing for me to do. I have to sit often and that usually draws unwanted attention and reactions of disgust from the normal people who are enjoying themselves. There was a time when I enjoyed myself too. I used to love to go shopping. Now, it is painful to do so. I loved going to amusement parks. There was nothing more exciting than a trip to Disney World to me. It is still something that I long to do. Yet, I know that being on my feet and going from line to line would only be excruciating right now. Then there is the feeling of letting people down and holding them back from enjoying themselves. Yes, I am like that. I think about how my state of being brings disappointment, embarrassment and shame to those around me.
Yet, I'm determined to make changes. I want to reclaim my health. I have a long road ahead but, I need to put one foot in front of the other and make progress. If a pound is a step then I've taken about 60 backwards from where I was last year at this time. I've sought medical help. I need to make an additional appointment with a medical weightloss program but, I am willing to give it a go. I am considering having the lap band put in as a way to help myself along. But, I'm hoping that I can somehow alter my mindset and do this on my own.
This journey isn't about losing a few pounds or becoming a perfect size. It is about reclaiming my health and mobility in the process. It is about being able to enjoy life again. To be able to go to Disney without missing out on things. I want to be able to attend family functions without being a burden. I want to be able to enjoy an afternoon at the mall, a trip to the zoo, or wear an outfit because it makes me feel pretty again.
I suppose I'm dragging you along with me, if you're reading this. I'm going to keep this as real and honest as I can.
Right now, I'm starting over at 434 lbs. I'm not sure what to do but, I'm going to start with trading a meal a day for a salad and making sure I get my water. We'll see how it goes.