Losing it/Bad Night
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
My Spark Streak ended. Last night instead of going home I (I am risking my membership here). I went and got really drunk in the tunnels of the train station. (Not the train tunnel, the passageways). I cut part of my earlobe off in the bathroom. I got really sick. I threw up in the tunnel. I "passed out" sort of on my backpack. Security called an ambulance. I went to the hospital. My electrolytes were all screwed up so I was on IV and oxygen all night. I didn't sleep much but I sobered up. Part of my ear got stitched up but part of it didn't. I may see the plastic surgeon depends on if it costs or not. Maybe my family doctor can do it. I talked to the psychiatrist. I may be able to start seeing someone. It depends on how much it will cost. It could be as little as $10 a session. If that is so, I can pay for probably one a week. I don't know if that is enough, I'm really fvcked up. (see above). It's not the first time this has happened. With my binging and purging and all my fvcked-upness, I heard my mum talk to the psychiatrist. She doesn't want me at home anymore, says she can't take it. I hope to get into a group home for people with mental illness. There's a waiting list. I can't make rent in the city. I don't know if I would do very well on my own anyway. I feel like I just want to get out of here and go to a shelter but I have absolutely NO money now. I only get two days of work a week. I get disability, but it doesn't always last the month (I pay rent here at home, phone, reduced YMCA, general needs, and I spend a lot on food). I really want to hurt myself but know I would just end up back at the hospital with an even more pissed mum. By the way THAT makes me want to hurt myself more so I'm trying not to think about it which is hard cause I feel like sh!t. (Which makes me want to get REALLY drunk or take a lot of pills...). So I'm trying to just get by moment by moment. I guess it could be worse. I'm pretty relaxed considering everything. I'm extremely tired making it very hard to be passionate either positively or negatively. Great. My sister just came home. She's pissed and she fvcking hates me. Hurray for everything. Think I'll just hang with the dog and go to bed early.