Sunday, May 17, 2015
It's been so long since I've blogged. I've wanted to write a blog for awhile but I've been stalling, partially because it seems like I'm always struggling. so I write about it and tell myself I'm going to change and to post more often here and then I don't do it.
Not to make excuses but I think the site still overwhelms me and makes me miss my old site and the small number of people and how it felt like home, but of course I was on the site for 10+ years. But that site has closed down so I need to suck it up and get used to this site. And there are so many great people here! I need to make an effort to make it feel like home to me.
Since I was here regularly some things have changed. I hit another bad depression phase but feel like I'm coming out of it.
I also made the decision to go back to school for my bachelors degree in accounting. I'm doing it all online through Colorado State University. Classes are shorted from a regular semester to 2 months and I take 2 at a time so pretty intense. And what a shock to my system. I haven't written essay's in over 25 years but have had to relearn how to do that as these classes regularly, like weekly, require essays or research papers. While I'm excited that I've decided to do this I'm also terrified and find myself doubting if I have the brains to do this.
Because of going back to school I've had to quit my second job. Which is nice in that know I have more time for school but does add the stressor of less money coming in and concern about paying bills. I get pretty mad at myself for that too because I make decent money and should be just fine but because of my overspending I've gotten myself in a hole, again! Not the first time I've done this. Why do I do that??!!!
I've been getting some workouts in but have found myself coming up with excuses to miss workouts.
As far as food is concerned I have been feeling this, irrational, fear of letting the bad food go. I don't know how else to describe it and I don't know why I'm feeling this. I don't ever recall having it be this bad before. And although I'm ashamed to say it, for the first time ever, I've actually considered giving up any thoughts of every changing my eating habits and just embracing that this is the way I am.
However my son is home from his freshman year in college and he not only managed to not gain the freshman 15 he lost weight and got much better in his eating habits. He is determined to not gain the weight now that he's moved home for the summer. I'm hoping his determination will help me be stronger and give me encouragement. But we'll see. I've failed so often I'm having trouble coming up with the belief that I can do it this time.
I feel like all I've done is whine on here but think I feel a bit better for putting all my thoughts and feelings out here. And now I should get off of here and get to work on my research paper that is due today that I haven't started :O