So I've been at the "maintenance" game for going on 9 months now. I put it in quotes because I've maintained 100 lbs lost the entire time, but I haven't stayed within 3% of my goal weight. It's been bugging me lately that I can't seem to get back to my goal weight. I'm WAY more fit than I was at goal, but I'm letting the number get to me. Why? Because I hit the number before. It bugs me that I can't seem to do it again.
I'm also struggling with my body image right now. (Hey, listen, that doesn't miraculously go away when you hit goal.) I've got an Eastern European build: broad rib cage and shoulders and thighs that run on the thicker side. I'm not a delicate flower. I never will be. 99% of the time I'm fine with this. This is that 1% of the time I'm not. I'm fully aware of how dumb it is. (I'm also totally PMSing today and on the verge of no-reason tears right now. (Okay, it passed. I took a pic of myself making a goofy face and it helped.)
So anyway, I occasionally see myself in clothes and get discouraged. (Saturday night I went to an outdoor craft fair in a long skirt and a tank top, and for some reason I just felt like everyone was staring at me in a negative way. It sucked feeling so self conscious!) I don't think my thighs are particularly good looking in leggings. Skinny jeans? Fine. Leggings? Not so much. My calves look like sticks to me compared to the upper half of my legs. Seeing the skin on the inside of my thighs while in downward facing dog is very discouraging. It's not bad, really, I guess. It's just one of my least favorite parts of my body. The inside of my arms bug me too. Mostly because it's warm out and I like wearing sleeveless tops but I still feel like my upper arms look huge. (Again, this is perspective, please don't hurt me lol.) So yeah. However, I think my back is looking good these days. My shoulders, too. I will list some non-body-image positives to offset:
*I'm basically working out 7 days a week: bells MWF, C25K TRS, and yoga every day. On my days "off" I still move a lot either by meeting up with my walking group or walking dogs at the shelter. I can do yoga poses I didn't think I was flexible enough to do, which is encouraging. I'm doing well with C25K also. I'm fit. Some would say I'm an athlete (and no I don't mean that random guy who talked to me in my apartment complex). I even like running enough that I got myself a couple of pairs of running shorts, and I couldn't resist this tank:
*I picked up a car load of dog and cat food donations from a pet store and carried them all into the shelter from my car by myself. I slung a 40-lb bag of dog food over one shoulder, grabbed a grocery bag full of canned cat food with that hand, and picked up 3-4 smaller bags in my other hand and carried it all in like that for 7 or 8 loads. I'm strong enough to do that. I just wish someone had taken a picture of me doing it!
*I've unintentionally inspired a couple of the ladies in my walking group to start tracking their food. I've only gone to the group 3x so far but I really like everyone and I feel like I fit in, despite being a good 20 years younger than everyone. Another woman in the group also likes kettlebells, too, so we have stuff to chat about!
On a completely unrelated note, the tv shows TURN and Ripper Street are AMAZING this season! I haven't started Game of Thrones yet. Not in that sort of mood.
Know what I really want right now? To find a book I can't put down because it's so good. A book that makes my heart ache when I'm 3/4 of the way through it because it's going to end soon. A book where I'm a different person before than I was after. You know the kind. I haven't read a book like that in years.
Well I think I've rambled enough for the day. But it's been a while since I wrote a rambly blog I think so that's good! I leave you with a reference to something none of you will understand:
"We asked for more Bingley, but she wouldn't give us more Bingley!"