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Tuesday, May 12, 2015

So I've been at the "maintenance" game for going on 9 months now. I put it in quotes because I've maintained 100 lbs lost the entire time, but I haven't stayed within 3% of my goal weight. It's been bugging me lately that I can't seem to get back to my goal weight. I'm WAY more fit than I was at goal, but I'm letting the number get to me. Why? Because I hit the number before. It bugs me that I can't seem to do it again.

I'm also struggling with my body image right now. (Hey, listen, that doesn't miraculously go away when you hit goal.) I've got an Eastern European build: broad rib cage and shoulders and thighs that run on the thicker side. I'm not a delicate flower. I never will be. 99% of the time I'm fine with this. This is that 1% of the time I'm not. I'm fully aware of how dumb it is. (I'm also totally PMSing today and on the verge of no-reason tears right now. (Okay, it passed. I took a pic of myself making a goofy face and it helped.)

So anyway, I occasionally see myself in clothes and get discouraged. (Saturday night I went to an outdoor craft fair in a long skirt and a tank top, and for some reason I just felt like everyone was staring at me in a negative way. It sucked feeling so self conscious!) I don't think my thighs are particularly good looking in leggings. Skinny jeans? Fine. Leggings? Not so much. My calves look like sticks to me compared to the upper half of my legs. Seeing the skin on the inside of my thighs while in downward facing dog is very discouraging. It's not bad, really, I guess. It's just one of my least favorite parts of my body. The inside of my arms bug me too. Mostly because it's warm out and I like wearing sleeveless tops but I still feel like my upper arms look huge. (Again, this is perspective, please don't hurt me lol.) So yeah. However, I think my back is looking good these days. My shoulders, too. I will list some non-body-image positives to offset:

*I'm basically working out 7 days a week: bells MWF, C25K TRS, and yoga every day. On my days "off" I still move a lot either by meeting up with my walking group or walking dogs at the shelter. I can do yoga poses I didn't think I was flexible enough to do, which is encouraging. I'm doing well with C25K also. I'm fit. Some would say I'm an athlete (and no I don't mean that random guy who talked to me in my apartment complex). I even like running enough that I got myself a couple of pairs of running shorts, and I couldn't resist this tank:

*I picked up a car load of dog and cat food donations from a pet store and carried them all into the shelter from my car by myself. I slung a 40-lb bag of dog food over one shoulder, grabbed a grocery bag full of canned cat food with that hand, and picked up 3-4 smaller bags in my other hand and carried it all in like that for 7 or 8 loads. I'm strong enough to do that. I just wish someone had taken a picture of me doing it!

*I've unintentionally inspired a couple of the ladies in my walking group to start tracking their food. I've only gone to the group 3x so far but I really like everyone and I feel like I fit in, despite being a good 20 years younger than everyone. Another woman in the group also likes kettlebells, too, so we have stuff to chat about!

On a completely unrelated note, the tv shows TURN and Ripper Street are AMAZING this season! I haven't started Game of Thrones yet. Not in that sort of mood.

Know what I really want right now? To find a book I can't put down because it's so good. A book that makes my heart ache when I'm 3/4 of the way through it because it's going to end soon. A book where I'm a different person before than I was after. You know the kind. I haven't read a book like that in years.

Well I think I've rambled enough for the day. But it's been a while since I wrote a rambly blog I think so that's good! I leave you with a reference to something none of you will understand:

"We asked for more Bingley, but she wouldn't give us more Bingley!"

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I've read it takes a while for the brain to catch up with weightless. Good luck finding a good summer reading book!
    1145 days ago
  • LBP1961
    Fantastic job of maintaining. Don't forget that being more active, means more muscles. That doesn't reflect on the scale. ( you can see that very clearly if you take your measurements. Also, there is a lady that I follow on Facebook that posted pictures all along her weight loss journey and you can clearly see that she is thinner even tough her scale says she is 15 pounds heavier, Joy in Jessica's journey if you want to see what I am talking about) You look good.
    I understand that it is hard for our head to follow the weight loss but that is why we need to talk about it.

    Have a beautiful day.
    1145 days ago
  • no profile photo WILDCHANCE
    hi, i'm new to this but I want you to know I think you look great. i'm 83 yrs old, and trying to lose at least 30 lbs. talk about thighs, and underarms, don't. I am handicapped, (no balance) and walk with a walker, so activity is limited. I need to lose this weight, because I don't like it and even my "fat clothes" are tight. I have been recently widowed after 70 years of being with the love of my life. we were together since we were 14 yrs old. talk about life change! you look great, so keep it up. if you like sci-fi, I recommend "Decoy" by Michaela Debelius. guaranteed you won't put it down. trust me. you might find it on Amazon. good luck.
    1147 days ago
    You totally rock !!! Your legs look great, I don't know what you're talking about emoticon
    1148 days ago
  • MAYIE53
    I absolutely loved this blog. At times it had me laughing, at others, cheering you on. You sound like such a Workout Warrior. Oh my goodness, I feel exhausted just reading about all the things you manage to accomplish. And yes, the Downward Dog yoga pose can definitely result in some negative feelings; this just happened to me the other day … saggy, crepe paper-like skin hanging down … I'd never noticed that before. But then I'd only recently started doing yoga. It's all good. You have so got this. I admire you.
    1149 days ago
    1151 days ago
    Loved the blog!(Funny Face and all!) Agree, your mind needs a change of direction! A good book would do it or a movie you've never seen(even if its not current)

    1153 days ago
    When I'm feeling like I'm not where I want to be, I take my smallest pair of jeans that fits. And just put them flat on the bed. I look at how small they are. Really. And remind myself that I'm now THAT SIZE. I no longer wear shorts or jeans that could be used for flags. I'm now this small size. (NOT a size small - but the size I'm looking at.)

    Makes me feel much better.

    We all have those days, where we don't feel small enough. Good enough. Whatever enough.

    So we just need to remind ourselves of how much we've achieved and accomplished.
    1153 days ago
    emoticon You look amazing!
    1154 days ago
  • KATIE3908
    I too struggle with body image. I am small framed and thin but still have issues. No matter how thin I get, my arms look huge to me and I have wings! I think the media has ruined us on what the "perfect" body looks like and it's not obtainable. I think you look great! Keep up the good work.

    1154 days ago
    Love the funny face picture to bright the mood. Way to funny face!!! ANd you look awesome in your shorts and tank. Keeping off 100 pounds is an amazing accomplishment! Especially at such a low weight. Feel good. You've just got to feel good about it. Yeah, I know there are disappointments at goal. You still have to stand in lines. Somehow it had always seemed to me that the skinny ones never waited. Being slender might give you a bit more energy, but your house still gets dirty and life has a lot of mundane chores no matter your size. But--- but---- but---- life really is better, way way way better, at goal weight IMHO.

    Great blog! Great accomplishment!!
    1154 days ago
    digging the pink skulls. the arms and things stuff will pass (and seeing as how I'm reading this ages late, hopefully already have).

    as has hopefully become abundantly clear, you're actually the envy of a lot of us who are nowhere as advanced in the health journey thing as you are. That's not to say you can't have these feelings occasionally, and even share them with us. It's just that we might chuckle and think, "oh, you so silly" (yep, grammatical error and all), because we're probably thinking we wished we looked as good as you do.
    1154 days ago

    I almost wish I looked as bad as you do in those pictures!!! You are too funny!
    Keep up the good work and keep encouraging those other people in your walking group!!


    1155 days ago
  • THOMS1
    Well, look at you. You are looking great and I really enjoyed your blog. Keep up your good work. emoticon
    1155 days ago
  • _LINDA
    emoticon on your maintenance and committing to move! You look fabulous! Yes you! Really!
    We had a Boston once, such precious, sweet dogs, kudos to you helping out at the shelter and donating!
    Keep up the great work!! You rock!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1155 days ago
    as everyone else says, you look terrific. one of the things i've realized in maintenance is that i'm never going to be a glamour girl again, but i look the best for me - and that seems to come with some form of acceptance that life goes on past the beach bunny age. why would anyone look at you otherwise - you *do* look terrific. you have your exercise program, which means you will only get better with time.

    as for books - i love women's fiction/romances, and the best of the best come from nora roberts, if you are looking for something a little lighter, but that you still don't want to end.
    1155 days ago
    I think it is okay to have some days where you feel a little "off", keeps a person humble. As long as that 1 % stays 1 % and doesn't get up to 25 or 50 %
    1155 days ago
    I personally think you look GREAT! I think you look proportionate. Many, many people would love to have a body like the one you have.

    I completely understand that 1% of the time comment. I still work hard on keeping a positive mindset during those brief times. I also look at what I can do to make myself feel better. More exercise, cleaner eating, meditation, etc.

    Hang in there! Focus on the 99% of the time and remember that you are emoticon !
    1156 days ago
    Super blog -- we've been there, we ARE there right beside you!

    You look terrific, love the tank top!

    You might try, for a great read: H is for Hawk. Or anything by Julia Glass!
    1156 days ago
    I don't think any woman will ever be 100% satisfied with her body. I have saggy arms and my thighs are what I call "thunder thighs" No matter how many leg abductions I do. I just remember I am healthier, fitter and look better than I did 122 pounds heavier. You did emoticon
    1156 days ago
    1156 days ago
    emoticon I can totally relate to the whole reaching your goal and then having a hard time with the maintenance. I struggle with all those emotions and why doesn't the scale move but people tell me that muscle weighs more then fat so I just keep moving on and trust that they are right. Some days are better then others. I haven't been eating so great lately and I have to get back on track before I ruin everything I've started, but we are all in this together! WE can make this happen! We are here to support each other and that is a wonderful thing! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1156 days ago
    You look great and I loved your blog. emoticon
    1156 days ago
    1156 days ago
    emoticon Congratulations on your weight loss. You Look fantastic! I don't see where you'd really need to lose any more weight! Of course, i don't see you like you see you! All I can say is "Don't try to hard!" Enjoy your body the way it is and just work on keeping things in perspective. Sometimes when ya try the hardest things don't go your way! But, persistence and determination will prevail. For some reason the past few weeks I've been gaining (not more than my 3% +- goal, but still getting close to the 3%+. I was fretting because I sure don't want to gain it all back!! However, today I weighed (i weigh every day) and I was down nearly 2.5 pounds. It's just amazing how persistence and determination will astound you!!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon


    1156 days ago
    First, you look emoticon and fit.

    Second, I'm glad you're conscious your mind is wandering over negative thoughts. The same struggle we had at losing weight, we also have it towards our mind going into negative mode. emoticon Don't let those thoughts be. You have a lot of positive achievements to relish about. Use them!
    1156 days ago
    Keep up the great job. Thank you for caring for the animals and walking the dogs. Thank you for bringing the food to the shelter for all those animals. I love your blog and the rambling. I wish there were more people like you in this world. I like strength training too but read that you should do cardio first then strength training. I like you have gained a little over this winter. It was hard to get outside. If I did then I shoveled but it did not make much of a difference. I could not go to work because of the massive eight foot snow banks. It was not safe to drive. Better days ahead the snow is gone and the sun is out. We still must watch what we put in our mouths. I try to put healthy fruits and vegetables. Linda from bean town emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1156 days ago
  • DSJB9999
    You look amazing! emoticon
    1156 days ago
    so glad I read your blog. when I look at you I see what I want toned healthy strong. right now I am healing a frozen shoulder as soon as I am healthy I am rereading this blog and going after it hard. Hugs , happiness and healthy living that is what life is about , you go girl you rock
    1156 days ago
  • GABY1948
    You look AMAZING! And I totally love and relate to this blog~ emoticon
    1156 days ago
    Honey, NOBODY looks good in leggings! You look great and feel strong, and that's what it's all about. Awesome post -- thanks for sharing. emoticon
    1156 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/16/2015 10:08:47 AM
  • LYNCHD05
    Loved your blog...even the rambling. Why are we so hard on ourselves!!!! You are doing everything right, you look amazing, so it is time for you to see the beautiful you and remember where you started!! NSV are awesome and we need to remember that. Here's to a healthier you!!
    1156 days ago
    OMG I'm SO with you on this one! Right down to the body type - I'll never be able to wear a size small shirt because my SHOULDERS are too broad! BUT I'm not with you on feeling bad about the scale (ok - at least rarely LOL) - I decided to give up on that one! I got down to 140 in March of 2014 and maintained there for 4 months then regained 3 pounds that I've been unable to shake. So what did I do? I CHANGED my goal weight to 143 - I WILL NOT let the scale make me sad every morning. PLEASE do the same! You look amazing - don't let an inanimate object like the scale make you unhappy!! My original goal weight was 145 (which I reached in Nov. 2011) but then I went up so I changed it to 150. A year or so later I once more got to 145 so changed it again. Then to 140 then to 143.... Life is flexible - we need to be flexible too!
    1156 days ago
  • KANOE10
    You look great..very thin and toned. Those 1 percent thoughts on body image can be hard, but like you say 99& of the time you are happy. I still have times when I look in the mirror to make sure I am not fat! Your workout and yoga is impressive. You are doing very well in maintenance!
    1156 days ago
  • HOLLYM48
    Congrats on being featured blog today! That is awesome and you are doing awesome. Keep up the great work. Focus on all of the good things that you love about your body when you are feeling down and do a side by side of what you used to look like compared to today. That is always a great way to see the differences!
    You are doing fantastic! emoticon emoticon
    1156 days ago
    Your weight being up may tell a totally different story than "you're getting fat AGAIN". You may have converted a lot into muscle being as buff as you are. Have you considered having your body composition assessed? That's probably a better tool to compare with than the scale considering how much you lift.
    1159 days ago
    I completely understand the hips and shoulders thing... even when I was younger and skinnier, well, I'm built sort of like a football player. Uhg. Anyway, I have some book recommendations for you that might fit what your looking for.

    Hiroshima in the Morning by Rahna Reiko Rizzuto
    The End of Your Life Book Club by Will Schwalbe
    Smoke Gets in Your Eyes: And Other Lessons from the Crematory by Caitlin Doughty
    Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs

    She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb (really anything by Wally Lamb)
    Spooky Little Girl by Laurie Notaro (or anything by Laurie Notaro, hers are mostly memoirs though)
    Alas, Babylon by Pat Frank
    Fuzzy Nation by John Scalzi

    g by Mary Roach, but I usually recommend starting with Stiff: The Curious Life of the Human Cadaver

    I'm always good for book recommendations!

    1159 days ago
    Oh - I'm right there with you. I honestly could have written a lot of this myself. I've been working through/reading Barbara Berkeley's Refuse to Regain, and I feel like it's helping, but time will tell.

    Pulled up my Good Reads for a few recent reads. I recently read "Sarah's Key" - not as sad as I thought that it would be, and a little odd. Not life changing. "Red Rising" by Pierce Brown was good if you like dystopian fiction, but I have not read the second installment that came out this year. I read "The Monuments Men" which is nonfiction - slow to start, but interesting. "When She Woke" by Hilary Jordan was good, even if it is a rift on Margaret Atwood's "The Handmaid's Tale" (which is my favorite book). I tend to read a lot of trashy romance, but I try to intersperse some non-fiction and more serious novels in there.

    No matter what the scale says - you're beautiful and strong!
    1159 days ago
    First, in these pictures, I think you look AMAZEBALLS. But I'm with you. I was just talking to my husband about this. In the nearly 2 months of eating garbage and not being here and such, I might have gained 10 pounds. MAYBE. However, I look in the mirror and I see the person I was 70 pounds ago. What in the world? It makes me nuts! We were discussing the people who have self esteem that we don't necessarily have. Look, my hubby doesn't have major self-esteem issues. He mostly thinks he's good looking, but due to an abusive past, he doesn't think he's as capable sometimes, and thinks he isn't doing a great job sometimes. He does. I encourage him. He does the same for me. However, we were watching modern family, and the chubbier guy on the show compared himself (looks wise) to Rob Lowe. During the episode (or maybe another one started, I wasn't paying huge attention) this same character had the balls to do something even his partner didn't think he could do. My husband and I started chatting about how some people have this almost delusional self confidence that gives them the courage to do ANYTHING, and I think it is great (it is like the people that try out for shows like American Idol that are absolutely terrible) but I wonder why I don't have that. Is it realism, or the way I was treated? I have NO IDEA. But I really don't know why I have to think so poorly of myself, and how to change it. I'm hoping I can start.

    PS, I have a narrower shoulder, but I hear you on the thighs. Ugh.
    1159 days ago
    There's not much I could say that you haven't said to yourself. You know it, you got it, you are just having a moment. You know that moments happen. You know that you will recover from it and rebound. You are perfectly entitled to your feelings, as temporary as they may be. You have a 5K to look forward to. And a full summer of hiking, traveling, and probably a couple of fairs to attend as the hottie in the corset. You've got puppies to walk and sunshine to absorb. Just put one foot in front of the other until this passes. And look into your eyes in the mirror and compliment yourself for at least one thing this morning! ((((hugs))))
    1159 days ago
    *sigh* you DO remember that muscle weighs more than fat does, right??

    I can recommend a fantastic book: A Discovery of Witches. Awesome, awesome, read!!

    You really do look amazing!
    1159 days ago
    This thick stuff is in your head, kiddo! I see pics of you and think WOW! A VERY toned, strong, well proportioned young lady! It's gotta be the too, ugh......I'm 52 and STILL dealing with it emoticon Anyway, kudos on the dog volunteering stuff as always and I want a gooooooood book too. If you find one, let me know!
    1159 days ago
    Just so long as you know your body issues are a distorted perspective thing, cause you look amazing! {That just cured all of them, right? emoticon }
    1159 days ago
    Wow... I aspire to look like you. To me you look strong. I love that. Strong thighs, strong arms and shoulders. Solid, taut, fit body. I understand, we all have images we'd like to achieve, and you don't always feel you've achieved yours. Fair enough. It's just that you already are mine! I have no interest in 'toning but not bulking up' etc. I want to be strong, muscular. I want to look strong and muscular. You look capable of anything!
    1160 days ago
  • HOLLYM48
    I think that all of us focus on that 1% of the time and that is just wrong. We need to look at ourselves and see all the wonderful things that we can do and all the things that are "perfect" about ourselves. You are looking slim and trim so shake it off and look for that beautiful gal in the mirror. She is right there staring back at you!
    1160 days ago
    Sigh. Yes, yes, yes. My scale is stuck *thisclose* to my goal. And most days I'm happy with my progress as it relates to my appearance. But there are always those days....

    I really like that you ticked off the positive things, and focused on your strength. Atta girl!
    1160 days ago
    LOL I totally totally totally have the same thing happen to me about body image it's that weird 1% time that really throws you off! I also feel happy and content 99% too and I think I actually have the best body image I've had in a long time and have had it for quite some time now too...and I focus on the positives, celebrating and enjoying them...but that dang weird random 1% that usually is PMS coinciding is annoying!!! I usually feel thicker and broad and think my calves look too thin as well because I have lean legs even though I have wider more muscular calves than most I still feel that way weirdly enough, and the inside of my arms will probably always be weird! I say I'm a "healthy-all-american-girl" because I think that's the best way to describe how I feel in those moments and it's made worse when I'm hanging out with fine boned and tiny people! LOL I try to dress my best for my shape and not feel all disproportionate football player with my larger upper half...ah well it is what it is. Irrational hormones will do that to ya! And the stupid crying over nothing...HA! Yeah...Sometimes it really does just suck! LOL

    Anyway I don't know if all this is helpful but at least you can know you aren't alone and I still get those annoying 1% times too, totally feel ya with the frustration of it! LOL At least they pass! LOL And you look amazing and you know it too! LOL Sometimes it's just nice to commiserate womanhood! LOL
    1160 days ago
    Eastern European build. Me too. If you get that body-image stuff figured out, bottle it and you'll make a few million.
    1160 days ago
    Maybe you are focusing on the wrong personal attributes. It's not all about the body. You sound like a very intelligent young woman. Obviously you are a kind and caring person who loves animals. You are social and I'm sure the ladies you walk with find you fun to be with. From the list of all your efforts and activities, you are a hard worker.
    Any friend who deserves the title will love you for your inner character. They won't care where your ribcage came from or if your inner thighs pass muster. I like you a lot already and I never even met you. (And if I did, I wouldn't be wondering how many pounds above perfect you are). Give yourself a break, Sweetie. Do what the old song says: "Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative."
    1160 days ago
    You look great!!
    1160 days ago
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