On the down side
Friday, May 08, 2015
This morning I woke up without joy in my heart. Instead there is that tingle of angst. That deep pit of despair. I hate these mornings. A day where I know it will be an uphill battle just to go through the day. A day where all I want is to be on my couch with the curtains drawn and Netflix keeping me company. But, life goes on and here I am sitting at work. I do hope to actually have work to do today, that would make things a lot easier. If I can stay busy the Pit of Despair will fill in without me even knowing it. If I can stay busy then I won't think about all of the things that I wish would change but I have been struggling for 6 months with multiple moments of hope to just have that hope dashed and be stuck here longer. Those are big Ifs because I don't think the materials we need have arrived yet to stay busy.
Wednesday evening can't come soon enough. We are driving up to Columbus Ohio to go to Rock on the Range. A three day concert is just what my heart and soul NEED right now. I need to get away. I need to feel joy. I need to relax with my husband and have my brother bring smiles to my face because he knows just how to make me laugh. I need a lot of things now. I feel guilty that my husband followed me to this place and loves me enough to live in... I shall call it the Bog of Stench. This part of the country really is sad. It is lacking.
I moved to the south having spent much time in Georgia, Alabama, Virginia, etc. I had an idea of what it would be like. I knew it would be culture shock moving from Massachusetts. I did not plan, however, for how terrible it really is in the Delta. We joked when I took the job, but I thought it really was just joking. NOPE! There is an air of sadness here. You know how people talk about how friendly and warm southern people are? Well, they are friendly to you, but its 100% superficial. Nobody really cares. They don't want to be friends with you. You are an outsider, there's no room for you. You don't have children, sorry we have kid things to do. You don't belong to a church, sorry we are only friends with the people in our congregation. I'm pretty sure there is a bible verse that says that somewhere, let me look. Yep, here you go thou shall only welcome those who worship with them. It's there, I swear. Everyone in my apartment complex knows my dogs name, only the apartment manager knows mine.
I may be in introvert, but I am a social introvert. I yearn for socializing. I miss my friends. I just want to leave here and never look back. Each teasing of a new job make my heart break a little more. Now my boss has an interview to go to a new job, if that happens I don't even know if my job will be worth staying here until I find something. Maybe my husband is right and we should just move over seas and start a different life.