Abstinence Lost...pregnancy gained
Monday, May 04, 2015
I started attending OA April 1, 2013. After 6 mos of learning about the program and what abstinence meant, I tried it on for size. It worked. I enjoyed the program and loved, in particular, my groups in the East Bay of San Francisco.
But I started a divorce during this time and decided to move to the midwest. One of my biggest fears in doing so, was that I would stop attending OA, and that the OA here would not be like the OA I'd experienced there. It turned out it wasn't the same. And I didn't adapt very well to it here in the midwest. I was still fine doing my abstinence and step work on my own. I still attended a meeting or two a week, and I had a sponsor, but I was losing touch with the unity and community of the program. By the new year, I was going even less often to meetings.
Now having been in this new area for many months, where I was also focusing on dating and building a new life, something happened. Early in February, I began to desire pastries, something that was off my food plan for a long time, and I chose to have one. I indulged the next day and the next, until I had eaten at least one pastry and sometimes two each day over the course of a week. I was scared. I knew this was addict behavior. I knew I was going down a slippery slope. I recognized what was happening and decided to stop it. To my surprise, it wasn't that difficult to stop...yet. But after more than a year (14 mos) of abstinence, I was shaken and rocky.
During this time I had succumbed to the drama of a not so great relationship I'd fallen into in the last few months, and one day in the week following the pastries slip, I got VERY hungry. I got so hungry and irritable that I didn't care what I ate, only that it be tasty, comforting, plentiful, and RIGHT NOW! I ate poorly that night, as you can imagine. But I didn't overeat, and it wasn't the end of the world. I knew that.
My hunger continued in the coming days and I soon realized my period was late. So, even though I'd always read that at my age (42) it was unlikely that I'd be fertile, I took a pregnancy test. It read pregnant. I immediately understood the hunger and cravings. I didn't know what I was going to do, as my partner situation was precarious; I live on very modest means these days post divorce, and I live with extremely high anxiety. Over the coming weeks I wrestled with the hunger and cravings, and my abstinence completely eroded until I was eating my primary binge food, which I just used now, and it scared me enough that I came here to write about it. I haven't been back to OA since just before I found out I was pregnant.
I am not sure what I'm going to do to get myself in check, but almost by default because I simply could not bring myself to terminate, I am expecting a child. I'm 19 weeks along, and have gained 25 pounds, when it should be more like 10. I'm also in the grip of my addiction. I'll report when there is something new...for now, I'm just figuring it out. Will I go back to OA? Will I acknowledge and give up my binge food? Or, will I continue to be controlled by addiction?
My weight in December 30: 154#; today, May 4, 181#.