A little lost
Saturday, March 21, 2015
Day 1-sort of.
I'm a chronic starter. I didn't use to be. I used to make choices and modify as needed. I used to be happy, laugh a lot, go do things with my family. Now I sit inside, feeling miserable and find new ways to start to get back to the old me. I miss her.
I had never been happier when I found out we were expecting child #4. I felt good and stayed active. I didn't even gain a pound until my 20th week, although my shape had sure changed! In those last 19 weeks though, I ballooned up over 60 pounds. It's ok though because I knew it would come off with breastfeeding, my pretty fantastic diet and some exercise. Wrong. I didn't weigh any less upon discharge from the hospital, and I was up some by my check up. Once able to, I resumed exercise carefully so as not to disturb my milk supply. Nothing. I went to the doctor, now 16 pounds heavier than the day I delivered. Everything checked out. They told me I needed to give it time. I've started every new diet, exercise, self love, meditating, ritual possible in these last two years but today, I stand here 9 pounds heavier than delivery day, 70 pounds heavier than my last happy self and a good 100 pounds heavier than my goal. Today I started letting go. I'm a little lost and I know it but I believe that I can succeed. Life can be worthwhile and I deserve to smile - it may not be today but in time....I will find my way.