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Thursday, March 19, 2015

Thank you all for your support.
Unfortunately, some people in my family are the least supportive and are actually pretty controlling and emotionally abusive if I let them be, so I have to find support outside of my family. I've been doing really well, seeing my therapist, finishing my degree, getting this job, just trying to be more autonomous and independent, having a lot of confidence in myself, so apparently that meant that I needed to be torn down. They say misery loves company.

I don't mean to rant about it, I just had a bad night. I should have ended the conversation sooner, but I let it continue and it emotionally really decimated me and shook my confidence in my ability to handle this job. But, I am determined to turn that mood around today and get back to my happy place. I never learned how to feel good about myself, but I'm learning now. I'm going to keep talking to myself kindly until I believe these good things about myself are true, and the inner critic has less hold over me. That inner critic was triggered last night, but I know I can't let it get to me... I have so much good stuff going on and I absolutely should be celebrating and relaxing right now, instead of feeling weak and useless.

I am an amazingly compassionate, gifted, strong, resilient, energetic, creative, passionate person, and my heart's natural state is a place of grace, love, safety and joy. This will pass and I will be just fine.

Today I am taking the drug test for my new job, and buying a few things at the store -- gluten-free chicken noodle soup to make me feel better!!! and extra chicken, because protein. Also, eggs and veggies for southwestern omelettes. Hmm, maybe some almond milk, and some dark chocolate, and some fruits for snacking. I don't have a lot of money right now, but my friend/boss Charley is loaning me some so that I don't have to ask my parents for money until the job stars. :) (He is such a good friend and has always been there for me. I'm so grateful). When I get home, I think I'll just.. take a long bath, and maybe do some yoga to try to relax and get rid of some of this stress.

I am going to be able to handle this job, and I'm going to prove the haters wrong. I'm just going to keep loving myself and stop listening to people who criticize what they don't understand. I don't need anyone's validation but my own, and I have it. I'm never going to be what they want -- but I'm going to be what I am, and that is way, way better.

Five of Cups- sorrow and regret
The black cloaked figure is absorbed in the contemplation of the three spilled cups, so much so that they fail to see the two full cups behind them. While something may have gone wrong on the emotional level, this card indicates that too much emphasis is being placed on what has been lost rather than what is available. To move on, the bridge must be crossed over the turbulent river

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SUNSHINE6442
    The new job is going to be just have no fears no matter what anyone tells you. You will be trained for the way they want things done...just pay attention to the training and it will all work out wonderfully. Look pretty every day and be cheerful at work, give people small compliments and big smiles you'll be liked right away.

    You sounds like you are begining to love hug yourself every night for staying on track. I love this quote and you might too! Maybe keep a copy in your wallet and if you start to feel low....pull it out.....

    If you're not being treated with love and respect, check your "Price Tag". Perhaps you have marked yourself down. It's "you" who tells people what you're worth by what you accept. Get off the "Clearance Rack" and get behind the glass where they keep all the VALUABLES.

    Good Luck on the new position,,,your going to to great.
    2011 days ago
  • FAITH004
    I can totally relate to you on having unsupportive family. Blogging here definitely helps! Vent away! If you'd like a friend to talk to , feel free to send me a message. We're all on this journey together! emoticon
    2012 days ago
    emoticon I have faith in you!
    2012 days ago
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