Thank you all for your support.
Unfortunately, some people in my family are the least supportive and are actually pretty controlling and emotionally abusive if I let them be, so I have to find support outside of my family. I've been doing really well, seeing my therapist, finishing my degree, getting this job, just trying to be more autonomous and independent, having a lot of confidence in myself, so apparently that meant that I needed to be torn down. They say misery loves company.
I don't mean to rant about it, I just had a bad night. I should have ended the conversation sooner, but I let it continue and it emotionally really decimated me and shook my confidence in my ability to handle this job. But, I am determined to turn that mood around today and get back to my happy place. I never learned how to feel good about myself, but I'm learning now. I'm going to keep talking to myself kindly until I believe these good things about myself are true, and the inner critic has less hold over me. That inner critic was triggered last night, but I know I can't let it get to me... I have so much good stuff going on and I absolutely should be celebrating and relaxing right now, instead of feeling weak and useless.
I am an amazingly compassionate, gifted, strong, resilient, energetic, creative, passionate person, and my heart's natural state is a place of grace, love, safety and joy. This will pass and I will be just fine.
Today I am taking the drug test for my new job, and buying a few things at the store -- gluten-free chicken noodle soup to make me feel better!!! and extra chicken, because protein. Also, eggs and veggies for southwestern omelettes. Hmm, maybe some almond milk, and some dark chocolate, and some fruits for snacking. I don't have a lot of money right now, but my friend/boss Charley is loaning me some so that I don't have to ask my parents for money until the job stars. :) (He is such a good friend and has always been there for me. I'm so grateful). When I get home, I think I'll just.. take a long bath, and maybe do some yoga to try to relax and get rid of some of this stress.
I am going to be able to handle this job, and I'm going to prove the haters wrong. I'm just going to keep loving myself and stop listening to people who criticize what they don't understand. I don't need anyone's validation but my own, and I have it. I'm never going to be what they want -- but I'm going to be what I am, and that is way, way better.
Five of Cups- sorrow and regret
The black cloaked figure is absorbed in the contemplation of the three spilled cups, so much so that they fail to see the two full cups behind them. While something may have gone wrong on the emotional level, this card indicates that too much emphasis is being placed on what has been lost rather than what is available. To move on, the bridge must be crossed over the turbulent river