"It's really amazing when two strangers become best friends, but it's really sad when the best of friends become two strangers"
I wanted to start this blog out with a quote because it is going to drive the writing that is about to come. This is a reflective post, and I am sure it is going to resonate with a lot of people, so I hope you read it with an open heart as I am about to pour out mine.
I had to tell my mother that her sister died yesterday. My mom and my aunt have been estranged for years. I don't know the reason and I don't think that they even do, but needless to say, they haven't spoken in YEARS. I was contacted by my cousin on FB to tell my mom that her sister died and I did just that. The sadness I had to endure in just telling my mom that was hard, but hearing the brave face my mom was giving me was even harder.
I don't know why or how people stop talking to one another. Do they grow apart? Make a concios decision that they are just done? Is there a hurt that was not justified or rectified that digs deep wounds that haven't been healed? Or is it something else??? I don't know. But what I do know is that these questions come into my mind all the time as I grieve the loss of a few of my nearest and dearest over the past year.
I want to take a moment to remember those I have lost this year. Whose part in my story is over. Not because it was what I wanted, or even for reasons I will ever understand, but that the space in our lives we used to have no longer exists.
My best friend K:
I'll never know what happened between me and her. She was the maid of honor in my wedding. I wanted her to be the godmother of my children. I loved her like a sister and more. She was my sole sister and best friend and I couldnt imagine my life without here. Then something changed. I don't know what. I don't know how. But she says we grew apart...I say, we gave up. One person can only be the giver in so many ways without give back before it becomes desperation. I will always love this woman and she will always have a space in my heart, even if our book is closed. My memory loves her....it thinks about her all the time.
"Its crazy how someone who used to be a huge part of your life can be gone in a second"
this girl-my baby sister and I had a falling out a few years ago. And over what, I don't know that I will ever know. But I miss her. I knew her since she was 3. Nearly 20 years now. I watched her grow up. I mentored her, loved her, taught her, supported her and cared for her. Today, I am lucky if we chat twice a year. And before I moved, we were right down the street from one another. I will never understand what happened, but with each passing day, I wish things were different. Maybe we got in a fight that we didn't resolve? Maybe it just wasn't what she was looking for from a friend. Maybe it was me....
This one hurts badly. Raw still even. He would say that our friendship was one sided and sometimes I would agree with that. I always saw this man as my best guy friend and I loved him. Cherished him. Treasured him. But he always wanted more that I was never in a space to give him emotionally. Like fire and gasoline, we were either madly caring of one another or wanting to rip each others head off. We were a very unbalanced couple, that is why I just couldnt date him. I loved him though. And as a friend, he was everything I wanted. It's just, when one wants eternity and the other doesn't, it's bound to end eventually.....and this one did. And not without taking a huge blow to my heart. I miss this man, my friend, the man who knew me inside and out, knew all my secrets, and still cared for me beyond measure. He is irreplaceable to me and I am sad that he is also someone who is no longer in my life.
And the last blow. The one that literally shook my world recently, my derby wife....Sammie.
This one is so real, I am having a hard time even reconciling with my own emotions over it. Do I get mad? Do I say forget it? Do I cry? Do I move on....like, it's so many things.
Sammie has been in my life for a few short years but has had such a rippling impact on my life, my heart, and my world. I honestly never thought I would see the day that we wouldnt be in each others lives. She was my person. She was the woman who I could go to for support. She always had the best advice. We helped each other through really challenging times in our lives and I realized then that we were each others life lines. She was my air tube at times and at times, I was hers. We had been through so much, I had so much love and respect in my heart for her, it was often hard for me to even begin to think about containing those. She was my person. Knew all my darkest secrets..I kept nothing from this one. She was a beacon for me and kept me going in times of utter confusion in my life. And without pause, I know I did the same for her. We were just two people who truly understood one another. We didn't even have to use words to know what the other was thinking or saying. I can't even begin to explain what that feels like and how rare a gift that is. To have that with someone is such a treasure. She was my treasure. My gem.
Yesterday, she told me that she couldn't be my friend anymore. She felt like our relationship was taking away from her and her S/O's life together and she couldn't continue to give me the attention I was wanting and needing and getting all these years and be fair to her fiance. That said, end relationship.
I felt like I was dumped. And it hurt. I can't say that I understand with this one either and I surely don't agree, but she needs to do what is right for her....I just hope that losing me in the process was worth it.
I'll never forget you Sammie girl! I loved you more than you will ever know.
That's my memorial. I will never forget what I had, what is lost, and what will never come back. At least never in the same way.
Peace and love,