I met with one of my professors today. I was completely overwhelmed by her graciousness and support. She has known that I've been struggling with mental health and dropping classes for years now... she knows about my experience last year and how much I've been struggling to glue the pieces back together since then. She has always been super duper supportive of me no matter how many times I mess up.
Today she mentioned how "beautiful" and "original" my writing was, and asked me about grad school... I admitted that I had given up hope of grad school because of my GPA (I did not say how simply staying alive and graduating was more than I could ever hope for during my darkest moments).
She is encouraging me to try anyway. She says my GPA doesn't matter, that she and another professor (who has always supported me) Are behind me 100%, that they will write me recommendations, that they both want to help me in any way possible. That they believe in my writing and in me. I couldn't even take it. I was so grateful and so amazed by her support I was overcome with emotions and started crying.
She thinks my best bet is spending some time in Japan after graduation... getting my fluency up enough get a 1 on the Japanese fluency test, and then being able to teach undergrads language courses in order to finance grad school. She says if I take some classes as a non-degree student and show the professors my "amazing intellect," That I will stand a good chance of being accepted into a Japanese Literature program.
I told her I was interested in Portland State University :) She said that a BA in Japanese from OSU is very impressive and that I would stand a good shot of being accepted to the program there.
It's been a really long time since I've allowed myself to hope about my future. I had closed those doors and had not been able to look past the immediate future for so long without becoming panicky and feeling like I wasn't good enough / could never make it....
But I think, maybe I can. And I DO want to spend some time in Japan after I graduate :) I might consider applying to the JET program. And I DO want to go to grad school, and I DO Want to be a Japanese Literature professor
Of course, I will have a plan B in place, and I still sort of want to do graphic design as well, and if worst comes to worst, I could get a job as a bilingual administrative assistant or something :) But I'm going to allow myself to hope and dream, and I'm going to work towards my goals as if they are actually achievable -- for the first time in a long, long time.
Why depression is a liar:
“Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.”
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky