Sunday, February 15, 2015
I've been on this weight roller coaster for like 9 years. No matter how many times I tell myself that I'm going to do it this time, I'm going to make it, I never have. I've never made it back down to my goal weight, and each time I relapse, it's worse and worse. The first time I gained back 20 pounds, then lost it again. Then I gained back 30 pounds, then lost 50, and now I've gained back like 55 pounds. It's just dumb.
And it's because I am addicted to food. If I give myself an inch, I take a mile. To put it in food terms, if I give myself a chicken sandwich, I take a chicken sandwich, waffle fries, Dr Pepper, and a chocolate chunk cookie for good measure. And this is how I've gained 55 pounds in a year and a half. I don't even want to know how horrible that kind of fast weight gain is. I've basically given myself free reign with food and screw any affects of it. Sometimes I can't even sleep at night because of all this extra fat making me so uncomfortable.
I have a friend who's boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic. He had to do some jail time, go through rehab, and is on probation for the next however long. Now that's he's finished with all the required counseling and AA meetings, he's done. He's brought alcohol back into his life, and already, it's causing them problems. He says that he just doesn't want alcohol to not be a part of his life. And I think that's so stupid. Why do you want to hold on to something that is so destructive in your life? He's letting the alcohol back in with no rules and no accountability and just hoping it will be okay.
Well, that's me, but with food. And although it's not getting me something as shocking as jail time, it's still being just as destructive. It's killing me, it really is. Whether it's going to be heart disease, diabetes, or embarrassment like the woman who fell off the scooter at Kroger and they had to call an ambulance because they couldn't lift her up, something horrible is coming for me if I don't change, and change forever.
I'm going to have to face the fact that I may never be able to stop tracking my food. That might be what it takes to live with this lurking addiction. And in my head, that feels like prison. I shouldn't have to live my life with rules and restrictions forever. But then I have to be honest. This is the only way I've found to stay healthy and happy. So isn't it worth it? It's not a prison. It's a parachute, really. I'm tied up and bound to this thing that's going to save my life. I have to sacrifice free, unfettered eating in order to gain health and happiness. And that's worth it to me, even though it will be hard.
So I'm not really going to say that I'm going to beat my addiction to food. But I am going to live a healthy life despite this addiction. I can track everything for the rest of my life, or I can do something else like take insulin or high blood pressure pills every day for the rest of my life. I'm going to choose tracking my food. "Will it be easy? Nope. Worth it? Absolutely."