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I'm a Mess!!

Sunday, February 08, 2015

I don't know how to put it beyond that I'm a mess.... I'm so discouraged, so lost, so confused, I have no clue where to even start.... how is it that I've been on SP for almost 9 years (!!!!) and yet I'm still where I was then. Actually, my weight it higher.... I always have hope when I come back here thinking I'm going to finally make those changes but I never do, I always come back to where I started. Now I'm wondering if thing will ever change or this is just my life forever. I feel like I missed my chance when I was doing so well after Korea. I was down to my lowest adult weight, I was walking a lot, running even, felt so good about myself and my body. Then I started slipping.... slowly sliding back up to 300... then 320... then 340.... next thing I knew I was 360! Now I'm around 350 and I hate it. I hate getting dressed, I hate walking anywhere, I hate moving, just want to sit on the couch and eat. I feel ugly and gross.

My life feels like a mess too.... I lost my dog Shol'va on 2014-12-19 at just 2 1/2 years old. I was devastated and still have flash backs to that day. Still struggling with losing him. There was nothing that could have been done. He was born with a condition that was just a ticking time bomb. He passed the day I was going home for Christmas and I was able to get a new puppy while home. She helps a lot but she's not him.

The adoption wait is horrible too. I have a lot of birth moms lined up but no one has signed yet. One I was hoping for in January decided to parent and less than two weeks after the baby was born the baby was taken by child services. So now the mom doesn't have her and neither do I. The next baby I'm interested in is due in April. If the mom doesn't place it will automatically be taken by child services. I'm hoping she will sign soon but it still stresses me out.

I keep telling myself that once I'm on parental leave I will be able to walk outside and eat well. Where I live now it's not safe to be outside and the store rarely has fruits and vegetables that aren't half rotten. But there are canned and frozen ones... I'm just stuck in this lazy mindset to not cook, just want anything quick. Too lazy to workout at home, or walk over to the school to walk in the gym or hallway....

I just feel stuck.... my life is on hold while waiting for a baby and I feel like my weight is stuck forever due to horrible choices I've made and keep making. I can't get out of this thinking... just stuck...
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo SILVERLIGHTPIXI
    So sorry to hear of your loss, first of all. Nothing can replace our loved ones, human, furry or otherwise. I'm really sorry for your wait too, that must be like hell. But, the way I look at things is there was once a time in which I was comfortable and happy inside my body, so I know I can be again! And so can you! You just have to make the time to take care of yourself. Easier said than done, of course. Keeping you in my thoughts!
    1690 days ago
  • APED7969
    Okay time for some tough love. Sparkpeople is a tool, a really awesome amazing tool, but you’ve got to put in the hard yards.

    While losing your dog is crushing and waiting for adoption must be even harder ultimately they are just excuses. They may be good excuses but they are excuses. Things will never be perfect, there will never be an easy time to lose weight. Ever.
    I don’t have kids but I have enough friends to know that having a child in your care will not make things easier. So waiting until parental leave is not going to help.
    If you feel stuck you need to change. You can’t expect things to change unless you are willing to MAKE those changes.

    Try writing down 5 things that are holding you back from a healthy lifestyle. Example: The store rarely has fruits and veggies that aren’t half rotten.
    Then write down ways around this.
    Example: Go to a different store, shop at a different time when fresher fruit/veg are available, find recipes (on sparkpeople or I love pinterest) that use frozen or canned ones.
    Then do it. Do one thing at a time. Do things one meal at a time. If you usually eat crap for breakfast then try to make healthy breakfasts, once this is a habit focus on the next meal. If you don’t exercise at all, commit to 5 minutes a day. Maybe you can’t walk outside but you can do modified jumping jacks or walk around your home or do wall push ups or do squats or lunges or any number of body weight exercises.

    It may seem like you are doing very little but that’s the whole point of the sparkpeople program. Small changes will gradually lead to bigger ones if you stick to the small changes. You aren’t going to be able to change everything overnight, and if you’re like me you’ll probably have days/weeks/months where you will fall off the wagon a bit but if you keep going back to those small changes some of them WILL stick. And for every change that sticks you will be just a little bit healthier. You owe that to yourself and your new child.

    Good luck and remember lots of us are always here to support you!

    1708 days ago
    Oh man...I'm so sorry! Listen, I started Spark in 2008ish I lost and gained the same eight pounds until last year, 6 years later. I finally started to lose but I'm stuck again. The thing I have come to learn is that I totally believe now that all those days I felt like a failure and started over and logged in once again, I was actually making major progress. The scale caught up to the fact that I stayed down and depressed just one day less than the time before. that I was a teensy bit more aware that I should stop bingeing one plate or bowl less than the binge before, that I should make myself exercise even though I felt like crap all added up and slowly the "down" gaps grew fewer. They are still there. I am logging in today knowing I need to get back to it after a few discouraging weeks. Bless you for being a good soul who desires to help a birth mom in a rough spot. Staying healthy is a wonderful distraction from the most uncontrollable parts of life. It offers a sense of satisfaction and it sounds like that would be a really good help while you're waiting. Take care, hang in there and know you aren't alone. Don't give up!
    1708 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

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