I'm a Mess!!
Sunday, February 08, 2015
I don't know how to put it beyond that I'm a mess.... I'm so discouraged, so lost, so confused, I have no clue where to even start.... how is it that I've been on SP for almost 9 years (!!!!) and yet I'm still where I was then. Actually, my weight it higher.... I always have hope when I come back here thinking I'm going to finally make those changes but I never do, I always come back to where I started. Now I'm wondering if thing will ever change or this is just my life forever. I feel like I missed my chance when I was doing so well after Korea. I was down to my lowest adult weight, I was walking a lot, running even, felt so good about myself and my body. Then I started slipping.... slowly sliding back up to 300... then 320... then 340.... next thing I knew I was 360! Now I'm around 350 and I hate it. I hate getting dressed, I hate walking anywhere, I hate moving, just want to sit on the couch and eat. I feel ugly and gross.
My life feels like a mess too.... I lost my dog Shol'va on 2014-12-19 at just 2 1/2 years old. I was devastated and still have flash backs to that day. Still struggling with losing him. There was nothing that could have been done. He was born with a condition that was just a ticking time bomb. He passed the day I was going home for Christmas and I was able to get a new puppy while home. She helps a lot but she's not him.
The adoption wait is horrible too. I have a lot of birth moms lined up but no one has signed yet. One I was hoping for in January decided to parent and less than two weeks after the baby was born the baby was taken by child services. So now the mom doesn't have her and neither do I. The next baby I'm interested in is due in April. If the mom doesn't place it will automatically be taken by child services. I'm hoping she will sign soon but it still stresses me out.
I keep telling myself that once I'm on parental leave I will be able to walk outside and eat well. Where I live now it's not safe to be outside and the store rarely has fruits and vegetables that aren't half rotten. But there are canned and frozen ones... I'm just stuck in this lazy mindset to not cook, just want anything quick. Too lazy to workout at home, or walk over to the school to walk in the gym or hallway....
I just feel stuck.... my life is on hold while waiting for a baby and I feel like my weight is stuck forever due to horrible choices I've made and keep making. I can't get out of this thinking... just stuck...