Saturday, February 07, 2015
I don't know whether to be excited or sad about this return. It seems nothing has helped me to lose weight. Everything seems to be putting me on the road to weight gain. I've lost my mojo and my motivation. I'm just tired, weary of the weight and ready to call it all quits. PCOS has gotten the best of me and it's only a matter of time until I give in...or so it seems. I don't want to give up and it's taking every ounce of me to fight. I think my soul and my mind has gotten more of a workout than my body has during these last few years.
I have no partner. I have no gym buddy. I have no one I can just cry with over this weight because I'm always the strong one. I'm beyond terrified that something is wrong with me and that it's only a matter of time before a doctor confirms it. I've been to the hospital and all seems to be fine but there is just something in my mind that tells me if I don't do something soon, nothing will help me. This is where I feel the most alone.
Yep, on this journey, I'm alone. I'm not crying out for help anymore. My helpers always leave me because I just help them and they move on. No one sticks around and helps me. Some say that's because I have enough strength within myself to do it. I'm not sure that's true. I just think I don't want the focus on my weight or that I internally believe I need to be alone in the journey. Whatever I think, I think I need to stop thinking and do something or stand by and let things take its course because that's what's wearing me out the fastest: indecision on what to do with all the knowledge I have.
I see the lady in the article and I'm happy for her but I know deep in my heart, it should have been me. I love giving myself excuses but they're doing nothing for me but killing me. I don't know why I believe the excuses and I don't know why I find them to be ok. I just do. They get me nowhere but closer to where I was and I'm hurt inside knowing I'm allowing myself to do it. Perhaps I have given up. I don't know. I just know I'm back to what works.