An open letter...to "Peanut"

*DISCLAIMER: I am not posting this for pity. I need an outlet and Facebook is not the place for this*

Dear Peanut,

Dr. Pace suggested that I write a letter to you as a way to cope.

You were only a part of me for 11 1/2 weeks before GOD brought you home. But those were the happiest 11 1/2 weeks of my life.

I found out I was pregnant with you on June 18 and your dad and I went to our first (of many) ultrasound appointments on July 1. The picture still is on our fridge. I had started prenatal vitamins and was doing exactly as Dr. Pace was telling me to do. Your grandma took me for a check up on July 25 (your half sisters birthday) and everything was fine. Since I was only 2 weeks away from 3 months, Dr. Pace said I could start telling family and friends. Now looking back, I should have listened to my gut and stayed quiet.

The following Saturday (Aug 2), I was at your grandma's when I started getting pain. I thought maybe I had moved wrong or ate something that didn't agree with my system. The next day, the pain was worse and I knew that something was wrong. Jesse (your "fur" brother) wouldn't leave my side. Later that evening, the unthinkable happened. I never had morning sickness but was ill for a while. I knew in my heart that I had lost you. Your dad took me to the OB the next day where it was confirmed that I had miscarried. I was in a lot of pain, more physical than emotional...as bad as that *might* sound.

Fast forward to October. After many ultrasounds, blood tests and an MRI, I was to have surgery to remove a huge fibroid. The fibroid was determined to be the reason why I miscarried. Surgery was a success and I was home after 2 days. I have a nice line down my stomach as a constant reminder.

The physical pain is gone but the emotional pain is as strong as ever. My due date would of been Feb 19. I know you are with your grandfather, the one you would of been named after and I know that "pop-pop" (that's what your cousins called him) is looking after you. Your dad and I didn't get a chance to find out if you were going to be our little "Meghan" or "Donald". You will always be my "peanut".

Like I said, I only might have had you with me for 11 1/2 weeks but you were and still are so loved. I miss you.

Love,
Mommy