Help! I have fallen off the wagon, and can't get myself to care!

Monday, January 19, 2015

Blah. The weather is blah. The month is blah. My mood is blah. I have zero motivation....except to eat carbs. Work has been stressful. I drag myself through the day feeling exhausted, and then have restless sleep or wake up at 3 a.m. and lay there until 5. I have been making myself a good breakfast, lunch and snack, and then not eating them and going out for a crazy lunch. (Chinese food! Big gooey cheeseburgers !) I have been forcing myself to hit my 10,000 steps...it feels like a magical thread I am holding onto that will lead me back into a healthy place once the weather, and my mood, lifts.
I hate these months (Jan and Feb) anyway, but this year has been bitterly cold and now icy, icy, icy. I have a big post-holiday let down...which I try to re-write in my head as
"I manage the beginning of the dark cold months (Nov and Dec) because of the lift the holidays give me!"
I have been trying to fight through this, and in many, many ways I have. I have doubled my vitamin D. My doctor upped my thryroid med a bit. I have my desk oriented in a sunny southern exposure window, and I get as much sun as this grey Northeast sky lets me get. I have been making myself do things that I love to do, for example: My husband and I went to see a folk singer we love this week-end and stayed overnight in a lovely historic hotel (a gift from our kids). The show was great, being away in this romantic lovely hotel was wonderful. I went out to dinner with a good friend last night (I HATE football, and my brother and husband were of course watching the Pats....and whatever endless game was on first). We had tickets to a show (The Buddy Holly story....which I had heard was fun) but the roads were so icy and the fog so thick we did not venture to the show, just ate and went home. I just made plans to take the train to NYC next week with a friend to go to the Matisse exhibit at the Metropolitan Museum of Mod Art. I love Matisse, and I don't get to see this friend that often, so I am thrilled. So I don't want to give the impression that I am completely curled up in the fetal position, cause I am not. It is just that everything is a bit of an effort, even logging on here. I am so unmotivated and feeling guilty and like I have to go lick my wounds in private.
I am trying to re-connect, and I am cheering you all on even if I am not on here to do it! I know that I will shake this off (I do every year....when the crocus reappear so does my sense of humor....) and I will have energy and perspective and life again. Until then please bear with me!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Lisa, I'm with you on a lot of this, although my reasons are complicated with the death of one dear friend and my incredible fear that my daughter's best friend will die (in-curable cancer). My daughter has depression as I do, and is on lots of meds, as I am, and she's very fragile emotionally.

    During this time, I am falling back on advice a dietician gave me years ago: my goal is to NOT gain. I have no lofty goals of losing every week, but I'd love it if I did! But my goal is simpler and more basic: just don't gain and that spells success right now. When I pull myself back together in coming weeks or maybe even months, I will at least be able to start losing from my current baseline and not have to lose from a higher weight.
    Best wishes!
    2282 days ago
    Lisa, I have SAD, too. I feel it creeping in sometimes, too, but this year it seems a little better, and I know it's because of my friends here on Spark. Really, last year I would have just taken a nap and slept as if I had permanent jet lag (I use that expression a lot, but that's really what SAD has felt like--try as I might, I could not get up!). The prolonged light deprivation, not being able to go outside because of the weather, and in your case the icy conditions in New England--these all converge to make the winter very hard to bear.

    Don't ever worry about not appearing every day here on Spark. Sometimes we're just too busy to spend much time here and other times we're just not in the mood, but the great thing about this place, I've witnessed, is that when people go through a period of being less active, they are just as loved and remembered as when they are present here every day. You are such an important friend, and I love it when you're here! But you're still in my mind when you're off at your job and I see your beautiful profile pic lined up with those of all my other great friends here!

    Wish we could somehow make the Northern Hemisphere tilt a little faster toward the sun!
    2283 days ago
    Oh boy,I am sorry you are having such a tough time right now. January and February can be killer. That is why David and I take a weeks vacation south, to try and break up the dark cold drab winters.
    I certainly don't have any advice as I struggle regularly...lol. That being said...I do believe that the worst thing we can do is stop trying. You will get back on the wagon Lisa, you will regain your focus and you will get past this setback. You just have to take small steps, regularly. I am glad to hear that you are still getting your 10000 steps in, consider that your anchor. Vitamin D is in check for you..another PLUS! If you aren't up to planning healthier meals at home right now, perhaps your husband can step in and help out. Does he like to cook? Stress, frustration it all plays havoc on us. You can beat it Lisa, maybe allow yourself one day a week to splurge without guilt right now. Perhaps it will stop you from feeling deprived or denied the foods you enjoy. I'll stop there as I am confident all of this has already crossed your mind Lisa. Sometimes hearing it from someone else gives you time to actually absorb the information opposed to talking to yourself and beating yourself up without having clarity about what's really going on. Don't leave Lisa, we are all friends no matter what and we will get through this! Stay strong!

    2283 days ago
    Ah yeah, I can relate! But I haven't been hitting my 10k steps so you're ahead of me there!!! It's tough when we go days without sun. We've been hit with the ice too - don't know when I'll ever be able to walk in my development again b/c the roads are skating rinks!!! But enough about me - YOU are doing good. I'm glad that you're still hitting your steps & getting out of the house. That's a GOOD thing :) Winter months can be super tough, but we just have to hang tough... I commented to Leah last night as we were driving home - "Look it's 5 pm and it's not pitch black" and she said, "Yeah but it's gray and foggy and gross". Yup it was - but it wasn't pitch black!!! Sometimes I just have to psych myself up with whatever I can grasp! Hang in there, sweetie - spring is coming!
    2283 days ago
  • BLUEJAY1969
    I had that very problem with feeling unmotivated back during the Christmas season. I kept slogging on but the joy seemed to be sucked out of my Sparking. If you can hang on to one or two small things it will make you feel like you are at least trying. I would say hang on to exercise as it should help you sleep and improve your mood! As far as eating poorly goes, I had a splurge day a while back and it seems I cannot get back to eating properly. I eat healthy - just too much! I keep thinking each time that I will pick myself up and do better from the next bite forward and then I slip. I keep trying though and I think that's important. I know you are trying to stay connected and I think you are doing a good job by making yourself do things that are enjoyable. I suppose what I am saying in a round about way is you are not alone! Hang in there my friend: This too shall pass!
    2283 days ago
    Keep going? Sorry I know it sounds trite but, when all else fails me, discipline and perseverance is all that's left. I had a horrific couple of days where depression was threatening to wreck me again and all I could do was just keep going with my project because I'd made a commitment. Spring will break through in but 6 weeks, the sun will be back and the new season will bring renewed vigour hopefully.

    In the meantime you're doing exactly right, continuing to do the best for yourself, the last thing you wanna do is stop. Great going on the VitD it's so important in these winter months. Walking IS a magic thread, trust, 2 months from now when spring hits you will be glad you held onto that thread emoticon

    Keep going, we're all walking with you, use the company to keep ya warm!

    2284 days ago
    Despite your minor nutritional slump, your descriptions of charming historic inns, rolling fog, and art-trips to NYC sound pretty damned good to me ...

    General Tso's chicken. Perfect winter food.

    2284 days ago
    I go thru the winter blues every year too. Everything seems like such an effort. One thing I do to help is start my spring cleaning early. That way when spring hits, I can play. Sort of lets me know spring is right around the corner.
    2284 days ago
    I'm with you on this one. Hope you reconnect. My fitbit goal is the only thing that keeps me going too.
    2284 days ago
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