SPARKASAURUS
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What Motivates Me?

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Someone (my brand-spankin' new friend MUSICALLYMINDED) just asked me this, in response to a blog. And I thought about it for a minute...what does motivate me?

I could give the classic "I want to feel better/look better/live a longer, healthier life", but I think this time it's something else. And this time, I think it'll work to achieve all that.

Now you ladies and gents may disagree, or tell me that what motivates me is wrong, but here it is:

My motivation is anger.

I've been tallying up in my head how many times I've cringed about getting my hair done (which usually falls right after a 'fat' day), because I don't want to sit in a chair staring at myself in the mirror for an hour.

And since I've lost some weight, it annoys me to count how much extra I've paid for clothes three sizes too big to begin with (because bigger clothes hides how big I am, right??), and how much I'm saving now just getting the right fit.

It pisses me off how many opportunities in life I've turned down, not feeling 'good enough', or not tried for- being afraid of someone laughing.

I'm mad at the Vietnamese lady that sometimes does my nails, who I know is talking crap about the fat, white chick. Or mad at myself for assuming that's even what she's talking about.

I'm angry with the world of thoughts like:

"Couldn't you just go on a diet?" or "If you weren't so lazy, you wouldn't be fat".


Love and light, hugs and warm fuzzies...yep, all good things. But these things don't get my @ss on a treadmill. And they sure as heck don't keep me away from donuts.

Anger. Mostly with myself, for shoving myself face-down in the dirt, over and over again. For NOTHING.


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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • 62ANDWINNING
    We don't change when we are comfortable. If you are angry, you are clearly not comfortable. Go get it, girl! That goal is taunting you....
    2023 days ago
  • MUSICALLYMINDED
    I just don't think real change comes from anger or hating yourself or your life. Embrace the NOW! You are not being laughed at, I do not think. And even if you are, don't let that determine your acts! You are worthy of all he pampering.
    2026 days ago
  • MUSICALLYMINDED
    I remember someone saying this, "live Now, not ten pounds from now." You weight is now holding you back... It's all in your mind! Go out and do what you like, get out of your comfort zone. Once you change your mindset, you body follows.
    2026 days ago
  • NOLAHORSERIDER
    My friend and fellow Sparker! emoticon I loved your blog! You hit the nail on the head. For a person to really get the ball rolling they need to give themselves a good kick in the arse! Get Mad, as you said! I absolutely hated being fat, I felt uncomfortable about going out in public, I absolutely despised that I was getting larger and larger. My clothes fitting tighter and tighter. Sometimes, even now that I've lost a lot of weight, I have to kick myself in the butt to stay on track! For someone to talk behind your back (whether you hear them or not, feel them or not, or just think it, or not) doesn't start the ball rolling! YOU need to do it, for YOU!! Not anyone else. YOU are a special person who has now set a goal that YOU will keep!!! Good Luck my friend and I wish you a fantastic journey. Make it fun and you won't even know you are doing it! emoticon emoticon
    2027 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/16/2015 10:22:58 AM
  • _BABE_
    I think at some point that is how we all feel.

    It just adds that extra layer of hassle to life.....yeah well you think you got it bad...I did it and was fat to boot!


    2028 days ago
  • DESERTDREAMERS
    Hey, anger isn't always bad - self-hating is bad, but motivation for whatever reason is good.
    2028 days ago
  • SPEDED2
    Anger turned inward is what got us in this shape to begin with...or so it is for me. I'd eat to stuff the anger. Now that anger is used to propel my stationary bike for at least 30 minutes a day. Double the benefits!! For me anyway. Keep sparkin"
    emoticon
    2028 days ago
  • TWESTEN1
    Yes, the opportunities turned down b/c of our size... that I can relate too & it angers me as well. How many good times I have missed out on. Quite a few years ago we took a family trip to Hawaii b/c my dad has a time share there & was treating everyone to lodging. Well, the whole family climbed the NaPali Coast - it's about 8 miles of hiking, hard hiking from what I'm told... I of course, knew better than to try it - there's no way I would have made it. And when they got back and I saw pictures I was heartbroken. My goal is to get back there one day and do that stinkin' hike!

    Whatever it takes, we need to continue now putting ourselves first so we can lead the life that we want to lead. And yes, if I hear one more person say that fat people are lazy, I may end up kicking them in the head (if I can get my let up that high... may have to push them over first, and then kick them in the head!). I'm with ya, Sparky :)
    2028 days ago
  • STILLMENEWBODY
    I agree with so much of what has been said here. Anger certainly can motivate me to do better. I don't wish to be angry but at times...it forces me to do something about it. I can't think of what else to say right now because I am still chuckling over Buttons response. I think I should walk away now and come back later and try again lol. Sorry Sparky DON'T BE ANGRY...hehehe! Muwahhhhhhh!
    2028 days ago
  • HEYRED221
    emoticon I can definitely relate and feel that way many times myself. Anger can be a good thing.
    2028 days ago
  • no profile photo CD13354694
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    2028 days ago
  • BUTTONPOPPER1
    I read this earlier today but then had to go to work, but I thought about it while I was out there in the world. I can identify with everything you've listed here. Just went to have my hair done yesterday, and I can't stand when they sit me down in the chair after I've had my hair washed--those few moments before they put that lovely cape on me to cover up my whole self from the neck down. I am so happy they have those big capes, or I just couldn't sit there in that chair looking at my own reflection! AND they have chairs with levers that the tiny little Japanese staff members have to pump with their feet to elevate! Every time these petite little things start pumping my chair to make me rise higher to have my hair worked on, I'm thinking, "I wonder how much harder it is for them to pump this chair with ME in it than with one of their twice-as-small other customers"! But then I forget about that embarrassment after I leave the salon, not to remember it until the next time. Going to the salon is not fun.

    Well, that's not exactly what you were talking about. You were talking about anger. And I totally agree with Bean that anger can be so useful if it has positive energy behind it. In other areas of my life, I've been angered enough to make positive changes. But about my body and weight, I feel more sadness and regret than anger, really.

    But I loved your blog! I always love your 100% aliveness!


    2028 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/15/2015 9:25:38 AM
  • SNOOPYLINKOS
    Anger can be a positive force. It's important to recognize feelings and if anger gets you going, then so be it! No right or wrong motivators, just keep going!
    2028 days ago
  • A_RARE_BEAN
    sorry double post, the spark gremlins are really hating on me at the moment emoticon
    2028 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/15/2015 7:29:14 AM
  • A_RARE_BEAN
    I don't think what motivates a person is really ever 'wrong' if it gets you to where you need and want to be then have at it I say.

    Anger IS a very powerful emotion and I've often thought that as long as it's channeled in a positive direction (like you're doing) then actually it's a pretty useful thing as it has an enormous 'energy' behind it. Can't tell you the amount of times I've been absolutely fuming and taken off for a walk, and powered through a couple of hours of exercise! emoticon

    Thing with motivations is they change, in the future what motivates you may well be different, right now though, roar your heart out and kick those doors down Sparky! emoticon emoticon emoticon (pretend that kitty is a lion lol)
    2028 days ago
  • LYNMEINDERS
    Go girl...if thats what motivates you grab it with both hands and go....
    2028 days ago
  • KRISZTA11
    If your anger motivates you, and propels you towards your goals it may be a good thing.
    Just let shine through the happy moments of feeling good about the healthy changes you are already doing. You still have time!
    emoticon

    I understand how you feel about the years that passed, and did not turn out as you wished. My similar experience is about the hills just 5 minute drive away from our house. We have lived here for 22 years - and I wasted 19 of those years without walking on those beautiful hills ONCE. Sometimes I feel sorry about those wasted years, but on the other hand I'm happy because in the past 3 years every week I run twice and walk once on the hill, and I have many more years to do this.
    emoticon
    2028 days ago
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