What Motivates Me?
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Someone (my brand-spankin' new friend MUSICALLYMINDED) just asked me this, in response to a blog. And I thought about it for a minute...what does motivate me?
I could give the classic "I want to feel better/look better/live a longer, healthier life", but I think this time it's something else. And this time, I think it'll work to achieve all that.
Now you ladies and gents may disagree, or tell me that what motivates me is wrong, but here it is:
My motivation is anger.
I've been tallying up in my head how many times I've cringed about getting my hair done (which usually falls right after a 'fat' day), because I don't want to sit in a chair staring at myself in the mirror for an hour.
And since I've lost some weight, it annoys me to count how much extra I've paid for clothes three sizes too big to begin with (because bigger clothes hides how big I am, right??), and how much I'm saving now just getting the right fit.
It pisses me off how many opportunities in life I've turned down, not feeling 'good enough', or not tried for- being afraid of someone laughing.
I'm mad at the Vietnamese lady that sometimes does my nails, who I know is talking crap about the fat, white chick. Or mad at myself for assuming that's even what she's talking about.
I'm angry with the world of thoughts like:
"Couldn't you just go on a diet?" or "If you weren't so lazy, you wouldn't be fat".
Love and light, hugs and warm fuzzies...yep, all good things. But these things don't get my @ss on a treadmill. And they sure as heck don't keep me away from donuts.
Anger. Mostly with myself, for shoving myself face-down in the dirt, over and over again. For NOTHING.