JITZUROE
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Years can pass, but when you hear that voice, your memories awaken.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Honestly I am looking back at the past few days and feel I've binged on each one of them. This is a weird place to be emotionally.
Verrrrry long story short: mom left when I was young. Few sightings of her, then gone. I haven't seen her in 15+ years. Then BOOM she contacted me last week and announced she was flying out to see me this coming Friday (!!!).

I'm completely emotionally confused, wrecked and just plain weirded out. Need to get myself together.
Am amazed at how much this has seemed to shake me.
Amazed how my eating habits and daily attempts to exist with my pain seemed to temporarily collapse like a tower of playing cards.
I need to take these next few days by minute by minute increments to stay sane.

Hoping that a mini blog would sooth my frazzled emotions a bit. Feeling very much like Beaker from the Muppets currently. Hrrrumph! Oh wait, I mean, "MEEP!"




Massive hugs of support for you all to have a SANE day with food and emotions. Good grief, I need that myself!

'Nuff Said
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • IYA_EKUNDAYO
    Wow Bren!
    Take care of you.
    I'm sending you alot of love.
    emoticon
    1281 days ago
  • TRENTDREAMER
    Massive emoticon s back at you. Hope that the visit goes as well as it can. I would not be well if a family member who abandoned me showed up so many years later.

    Again emoticon
    1283 days ago
  • MUSICALLYMINDED
    emoticon I think anyone would go back to bad habits and struggle while dealing with this! Godspeed and good luck!
    1283 days ago
  • 2WHEELEDSHARON
    Whoa! Which is more like Keanu Reeves but I always thought he'd make a good Muppet.
    If you need permission to drop your own boundaries at each given moment, I'm here to invite you to do that. Need to drop boundaries on "Mom" and tell her you need some alone time? Go ahead. Need to drop boundaries on your food? Go ahead. I grew up with an abusive mother and it took some extreme boundary dropping to be able to have her in my adult life, so if it helps for me to tell you it's all good to get mad crazy with your limits, I'm here for you.
    1283 days ago
  • NUOVAELLE
    Oh, Bren... I can only imagine the feelings that have emerged inside you...
    ...
    Ok, I just erased a whole paragraph where I was trying to advise you on how to handle this. Even though I'm a mother AND a daughter and I have mixed feelings about this, it's not the only reason I can't give advice. You're the one who knows all the details of the story. You're the one who has probably suffered the results of your mother's actions. You and only you can decide how to deal with her.
    I'll just say one thing that I've always believed. There are two definitions for the word "mother". There's the woman that brings a person to this world and then there's the person who raises them and makes them the adult they've become. Those two people are not always the same person. And in that case, they have to realize the difference and not try to play a role that they have already turned down.
    I'll keep you in my prayers, Bren.
    emoticon emoticon
    1284 days ago
  • SWEETNEEY
    Maybe you should be proactive and find what's up. I'm receiving your blessings today
    1284 days ago
  • MEWHENRYSMAMA
    P.S. II
    I so thought RAMONA 's response was right on it!

    1284 days ago
  • MEWHENRYSMAMA
    OMG...
    no wonder you feel thrown off, jumbled up, weirded out, confused, scrambled etc, etc!
    My mouth is hanging open and I feel speechless...not a usual thing for me!
    I hope all goes well....whatever that is for you! I pray for Devine order! I will be thinking of you on Friday!
    You are not alone! Breath...and take it easy, one step at a time!
    Love & Hugs,
    Mary
    P.S. Another hug!
    1284 days ago
  • WARRIORGIRL121
    Oh Sweetie... I don't think I can add much more to what others have said here... but I can understand the wave of emotions you must be experiencing. I'm praying for you and for all to go well! Love you, hon! emoticon emoticon
    1284 days ago
  • _RAMONA
    Oh, Bren! MEEP! about covers it! I can only imagine the storm of feelings you are experiencing.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    ...you know, just because your mother has called, wants to see you, and is flying out to do so, doesn't mean you're obliged to make yourself available.

    Before you worry about her, I'd encourage you to decide what you need, want, feel... and keep her at a distance until you have decided... or feel sufficiently prepared... no matter how long that takes.

    ...maybe you don't want to see her... totally understandable and fair...anyone who walks out of the life of someone they are supposed to care about has no standing/entitlement.
    ...maybe you want to see her, but this is not a good time.
    ...maybe you need time to prepare (talk to your counselor, talk it out with others you trust), and then plan the terms and conditions under which this will take place.
    ...maybe she needs to earn the opportunity to meet with you face to face (write you a letter explaining whatever it is you want explained, where she's been, why she's showing up now... if meeting with you is truly important to her she shouldn't have a problem respecting some boundaries right off... if she won't do so graciously, then perhaps you've learned all you need to know at this juncture).

    If you stay true to what you need, want and feel, it will all turn out fine.

    I just have to say it... I cannot imagine any mother walking way from her child... I breathe differently while mine is at school all day... if I left her it would only be because I really believed it was best for HER... and I would come back as soon as I was able... I wouldn't just drop in out of the blue... I would humbly ask, admitting I had no right to do so, and then step back and wait prayerfully for the invitation to come ahead.

    You're in my thoughts and prayers!
    emoticon





    1284 days ago
  • PHOENIX1949
    emoticon

    If you actually do get her personal visit, please have someone there with you. And, as others have said, find someone to talk this through in advance and after. Even better if same person is there for the visit and conversations before and after.

    Breathe.

    emoticon emoticon
    1284 days ago
  • CARRILU
    Oh my goodness, what a flurry of mixed emotions you must be feeling! It's much harder when someone else controls the timing but you are strong. I think most of us can relate in one small way or another and what immediately comes to mind is trying not to feel reduced to the small vulnerable child you were the last time you met. Easier said than done! You are stronger now, wiser and gloriously shaped by your experience. It will not be the same. I have 10 half siblings and just this summer met up with two of the brothers. It's weird to see "blood" and feel so disconnected. You just be wonderful you and if she is clever, she will see what an amazing gem you are. Lean on hubby lots!!
    1284 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/13/2015 4:29:03 PM
  • CHRISTINA-TODAY
    emoticon emoticon
    That is a tough situation! Do you have support? Could you talk to someone who knows you well? Or maybe a therapist / social worker?
    I am thinking good thoughts for you... Hope you can turn inward and figure out what YOU want in this situation.
    Sending you love...
    1284 days ago
  • CATS_MEOW_0911
    Oh Bren, wow that is heavy. Do whatever you need to take care of yourself. I treat visits with my mother like a Star Trek battle: FULL SHIELDS UP!
    1284 days ago
  • KAILYNSTAR
    Oh my gosh! I know where you are with those feelings. We haven't had anything to do with my DH's parents for twenty years. Then out of the blue, we got a letter from his mother saying she wanted to reunite. Yet, she wanted to reunite with DH and the Grandkids...and me. Yeah right.

    I hope the best for you. You have the right to say No to your Mother for doing that. I realize she called you and just dropped that bomb on you, and there was probably nothing you could say. I mean, just sitting there on the phone and in total shock.

    I really, really hope you stay focused on yourself. You need to get well. Don't let this derail you.

    I'm here for you.

    Hugs.
    1284 days ago
  • AAAACK
    Wow! It's happening. Ok, so...that friend of yours from childhood, call her and have a long discussion. See if that can help? It's got to be so confusing b/c you don't know whether this is a one-time fly-by, or the start of something new. So, maybe think through the results of either eventuality? Like do one of those mental exercises where you follow each one through to it's natural outcome. Then maybe it won't seem so daunting? I mean, it WILL. This is huge. But maybe to try to find a way to process it all, you could try and think through like 2 scenarios rather than let your mind leap from one boulder in the stream to another willy-nilly? I wish you weren't in so much pain so that you could email and blog until you've worked through it all! But I think you may have to rely on conversations and steered thinking in your own head (like pretending to walk the path of one course or other).

    I'm here for you whenever you want! And if you want to call me, go ahead! I'll try and send you a message later after I've thought about this some more. Wow.
    1284 days ago
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