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In Laws

Saturday, December 27, 2014

I was trying to keep this to myself, but it's been buggin the crap out of me. So I figure i'll let it out before I give my MIL a piece of my mind ( who knows, maybe I won't if I get this off my chest).

During Thanksgiving break, my MIL made a comment that they hit the jackpot with me, seeing as both my parents are dead, so they didn't have to worry about me taking away their son for other engagements emoticon

I was irked, but let it slide. I know she's just saying what she thinks, and I can't really fault her for that...right??

She hurt me. Part of the reason I have been so accepting of this family and their ways is because I don't really have any. I like that my daughter has a grandma in town, even though her own kids call her by her first name.

But this Christmas, she told a group of family the same thing- " It's so nice that we don't have to worry about that with Shay. She's not going anywhere with HER family, because she doesn't HAVE any". I walked in to a room of people looking like this: emoticon , my husband looking like this: emoticon and asked what was going on.

She repeated it! Told me she was telling everyone about my lack of family!


In his defense, the hubby did kinda-sorta say something about it. But as he attests...the best course of recourse is to ignore her.

I disagree! I think that the fact that everyone lets her slide is EXACTLY why she says sh*t like this!

So I told the hubby I was going to write her a letter, which he said was good, but I can tell he feels uncomfortable about. But I have to get this out. and he's not going to defend me. What do you guys think??
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Wow, yeah that is beyond insensitive, definitely a low EQ, I bet she doesn't even realise the emotional impact of saying such things. Alot of people are just not able to put themselves in someone elses shoes and imagine how hearing certain things would make them feel, it sounds like she can and is only thinking about how she feels and her perception on things. MIL is thinking only about her relief and convenience and not about your loss at all. emoticon

    I see the opinions on what to do are mixed so ultimately, and probably frustratingly, you will have to go with your gut on this and do what you in your heart think is right. My opinion though is that an email and letting her know how you feel is a sensible thing to do. I'm not a fan of bottling things up and tolerating things because I think it comes out in other ways anyway and also is far more self damaging. Also it builds resentment, which nobody needs. At least if it's written down you can tempre it and send it when you're feeling calm. It may not change a thing, it may make things worse or it may stop her from saying some things irregardless of if she still thinks it. The outcome you wont have much control over so it's entirely about whether it will have a positive impact on you just by sending the email and getting it off your chest and drawing your boundaries.

    2053 days ago
  • _BABE_
    I am of the camp that she needs to be told that this is not desirable behaviour.

    However, in the interest of not creating WW III or some dynamic you will be sorry for...just don't let it stew and brew, shoot from the hip.

    My first thought when I heard that comment would be to muster up my chagrin and say "lucky I am not sensitive about being an orphan or anything otherwise I might be offended", and smile ( exit if you can).

    People are insensitive but some are worse than others. My best friend (and I use that term loosely) has recently acquired a sister-in-law/ niece and boyfriend with kids so the holidays have turned from a quiet affair into a big family affair.

    It irks me how she goes on about the Christmas concerts she has to go to, all the gifts she has to buy and the general coordination of lots of festivities. I, on the other hand, have one sister who has worked 8/10 Christmas's in the past 10 years ( poor scheduling if u ask me) and have lost both parents, two siblings leaving nieces and nephews who are old enough to have families of their own.

    The days of a house full of family is history and I probably need to make some new rituals but in the meantime I wanted you to know I totally get what you are saying.
    2054 days ago
    Wow, first she does take the award for insensitivity!
    Second, I read all the responses so far and BUTTONPOPPER has my vote!
    I do, however, think you could write the letter, let it rip, get it out, then destroy it!
    I have a feeling anyone who would say anything so insensitive will never respond the way you would like or need! So, just get your husband's support away from her and ignore her! One day she will find
    What goes around comes around...karma!
    2054 days ago
  • GHK1962
    I've read this a couple times now ... this is an all around tough situation. I waffle back and forth on what I think you should do ... because I truly don't know what a good answer is.

    However, I read the Button Lady's response ... and agree with her ... for that is what I would do. It is, as she says, the Japanese thing to do. (Good job Button One.)

    But it is not easy to keep your "arrrrggghhh" inside I know. It would be hard for anyone. However, from what you have said of your Darth Vader in the past, I do not believe he is "not defending you." I believe he too is unsure of what to do. At least that is my thought on it.

    If, however, you do decide to write a note to your mom-in-law, that is okay too. That is the "Let's get this under control," thing to do. And that is not a bad thing. And I also know that should you write this letter to her, that you'd do so in a way that expresses your disappointment, anger and hurt. But I also know you'd be trying to do so in a way that as respectful and as un-mean as possible. I have seen you write with both directness and compassion. Will your mom-in-law hear you? Maybe. Maybe not. Perhaps it is enough to let her know.

    I would say, if you do write such a note - place it aside for a day. Then, if you still need ... send.
    2054 days ago
    After reading you blog, I went looking for some kind of quote to help you appropriately express your anger to your MIL. For me, sarcastic humor seems to rise to the top, so I give you these instead:

    I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

    Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out as Woman Hitler? Coincidence? I think not.

    And, last but not least:
    101 ways to annoy your mother-in-law without her knowing your intentions.

    here's the link ~ you'll probably have to copy and paste.


    love ya', Sparky

    2054 days ago
    Sparky, I agree with you that this MIL is seriously tone deaf. And self-centered. Thank God it stopped with that generation, as I know how much you love your husband and he loves you.

    You have a Japanese grandmother! So I'm going to suggest something very Japanese. Judging from your emoticons, it sounds like the other people in the room understood how out-of-line your MIL's comment was. So if it's a matter of saving face, you have nothing to worry about because other people understand who the crazy one is. They know you are not at fault and they understand that your MIL made inappropriate, insensitive remarks.

    If, however, it's a matter of correcting your MIL's misguided expectations about you taking care of her 24/7 in the future, you don't need to say much about that either. You could say (sarcastically), "Yes, I've always looked forward to taking care of my husband's parents," or "I won't mind changing your diapers when the time comes," but I don't think you need to say anything. Keep your dignity. And start researching nursing homes.

    Things will change! There will come a time when her words will make not one iota of a difference! I know this sounds cold, but the power she has over you now--to make you upset and angry--will dissipate. Therefore, I tend to think your husband is correct. The best course is to ignore her, if you can stand it. You know you're right, your husband knows you're right, WE your friends know you're right, the people in the room knew you were right--you were innocent, vulnerable, and treated insensitively. I would say ignore her, and keep loving your husband, who is between a rock and a hard place! Be the rock! You're strong!
    2054 days ago
    I think you need to let her know how much it hurts you - that celebrating someone's loss of family isn't nice. emoticon
    2054 days ago
    I think I would let her know her comment, while probably well meaning, was hurtful and insensitive.

    Yikes, that woman needs to attend some sensitivity classes.


    2054 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/27/2014 5:25:34 AM
    My MIL sounds like yours- drives me crazy!
    2054 days ago
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