This is my first full body picture I posted anywhere online. At this point in my life, I find it hard to want to hide who I am. This is me.
The pictures were taken in the little workout place where I live.
Last night I had a meltdown. I have been struggling to figure out what I want for Christmas, so I can purchase it myself (sorry the bitterness is hard to swallow) but I couldn't figure out what that was.
I was mad at myself. I was mad at the world. I was mad at my son. I ended up taking window crayons and wrote on his bathroom window what I wanted him to do--read, do homework, be "out the door ready" when it comes time to leave to goto school/work, and some other stuff. I kept looking at myself in disgust.
Here I was acting out my frustration on my son and his bathroom window. I took te window crayon and wrote his nursery rhyme "You are my sunshine" up on his bathroom window. My heart bitterness melted away.
I put my son to bed, and then tried to sleep. Thinking about what I want kept me up until 2 am in the middle of the night. What I realized what I wanted was something my cancer doctor told me would hinder me living a full life--my health. Tears I couldn't shed were sucked back into the depths of my own "gotta be strong and not breakdown" self. I debated on whether or not should I goto the gym and workout.
I ended up falling asleep.
I woke up too tired to go into work and too out of sorts to take my son into school. We stayed home today. We were able to sleep in until after nine am. We ate a healthy. We ate salad with bacon, croutons, fried onions, blue cheese dressing, and shredded cheese. My son ate some small meatballs from the other night. We read a book together, fell asleep a little bit more, and then we went to the gym where we took our pictures I have posted in this blog.
We did 35 minutes on the treadmill. My highest speed was 2.8mph. My son did about the same.
What all of this comes down to is that I don't want to die. I want to live. I want to live abundantly. I want to move my body. I need me. My son Tien needs me. I don't want to die from complications of being super morbidly obese. I don't want my son to be "that" fat kid I was growing up.
Being super morbidly obese sucks.
Like I just said. I need me. My son needs me. I can't afford to die as a single parent--my son won't have another mother life me whom knows how to love and nurture his soul. That's my motivation.
Lucky thing is--my Savior fought the good fight. I am called to fight the good fight. I just don't have to rely on my strength or power because God has equipped me for this. I am not going to lose.