"What Do I Feel?"
Friday, December 12, 2014
I avoided doing the homework in the later part of the "What Do I Feel?" chapter of "Life is Hard, Food is Easy" book by Spangle. I've been putting it off for days (?years?), most recently saying I had to be home alone. Today I put it off by going to websites I don't really like, trying to shop online, etc. Finally I said enough and 'you can do it for 15 minutes'. I decided to center the homework around money issues because I'm supposed to dealing with that today (payday) and my two loudest feelings have to do with Dave's insurance and a loan from my recently deceased mother. So here is what came out in the "II FEEL...BECAUSE..." exercise:
Exasperated, angry, hopeless, resigned...because Dave didn't remember our conversations correctly AND he didn't communicate with me SO he declined his health insurance, and I don't know how to recover from the situation so he has insurance and the cost doesn't overwhelm us further
Lonely and burdened...because it seems nothing gets taken care of unless I do it myself, because Dave is not a take action type of person.
Inadequate ...because my paycheck is small compared to Dave's & those of other people with college and graduate degrees
Wasteful...because I am not using my degrees in my employment. Doesn't matter that I have no interest in the career my degrees are supposed to be for.
Hopeless...because of our credit card debt.
Torn...because I want to pay down cc debt and do nice things for DD, DS and DH. And myself. I wish Dave and I could take that honeymoon we never took - our 25th anniversary is in about 25 days. I'm not talking a big trip - maybe go Washington Island off Door County, WI this summer.
Apprehensive..because while I feel it is the right thing to do share info with siblings about the loans (46K) from Mother, I fear attacks on my character and pressure to pay back it all right away.
Insecure, resigned...because Dave's had periods of unemployment, has not progressed up the payscale much in his career, we've never had any savings and I can't provide financially for our family
"The Courage to Feel" phrase is used at the end of the chapter - that's a truly a scary concept.