not what you thought
Thursday, December 11, 2014
I think I had the basic concept even when I was fairly small that all those things that I believed in, there weren't all true. Santa, while amusing, was a representation of all the caring feelings that for some reason we bottle up til the end of the year until the time of year we have culturally chosen as the giving season then we flood out our guilt and try to make ourselves feel better about being so damn stingy towards causes that we should be participating in all the time. Reindeer don't fly, fairies are... questionable, etc etc etc to the ends of the earth. Giants, and mermaids, and trolls, and wizards, and magic doors, and secret other lands, and you name it. I know that depending on who you are some of these things and other things which might be considered fairy tale by some is reality for others but I am just trying to make a point here.
I also believed that people, in general,were or wanted to be good. Parents would never hurt their children, and always wanted good things for them. People were honest, unless they had good cause to be otherwise. Police officers were there to protect people. Soldiers believed in a better country and were fighting for it. Good was the nature of things and bad was not something someone was born as or enjoyed being but was because something had happened to them and they were trying to figure out how to reconcile the differences between their own experiences and them selves.
Oh, how much more wrong could I have been. People are evil things. They cause hate and discontent at their best sometimes. They are terrible things and malicious, and cause fully intended direct harm to others in too many occasions for me to believe. But we are still supposed to hope and work for better, and believe in the possibility of good. Parents are sometimes the perpetrators of the worst harm that a child can experience, from emotional trauma of telling them how worthless theyare and how little they will ever be, direct physical harm and assault which is flatly unforgivable in my mind, no other way for me to put it, and then when an adult child has failed to be the superhero which they thought they were going to grow up to be, they can rub their nose in it, remind them of how much they have failed to accomplish, and then tell them something terrible like they don't deserve to have children.
I have to shorten things here and say: what did I do wrong? Why do you hate me like that? Because I listened to you tell me about the horrible things that happened to you? Because I grew up doing what any grandchild is supposed to do and admiring a grandparent whom I have just found out, years after their death, was a, no other word for it, monster? I cannot choose to hate someone who I grew up loving. They have done me no harm but in no way do I excuse the things that happened in the past. Holding me accountable for someone else's atrocities is far beyond unfair. But now you are going to say you think I don't like you? Sure, I don't like you, I only spend hours talking to you on the phone and trying to have some connection to you as a parent, and you still insult me with clothing that you bought for yourself and tried to pass off as being for me. This story just keeps getting longer, but I cannot and refuse to apologize for you telling me I don't deserve to have a family. I won't take responsibility for your words and I am not going to forgive you something like that without you even saying you are sorry. What a terrible things to say to anyone. How would you have felt if your parents said such a thing to you????