Tuesday, December 09, 2014
good morning. I have to do something with this emotion, so I will put it here. its nothing major, just a small annoyance that I need to let go of.
yesterday was a tough day. it didn't need to be, but my temperament just made it that way. we are in the throes of Medicaid filing for my dad. my brother is doing the actual filing, and I am helping behind the scenes with paperwork. it is helping me because up until now ALL the wrestling with paper and making phone calls etc. fell to me. I have been deep in the weeds with this since late july. okay--after the first meeting we have to get records going back to 2009 showing a bunch of financial stuff. my job was to call the banks AGAIN. they are being really nice about everything, but I am just worn down on the whole thing, I keep thinking I have everything--then my brother calls--why isn't there paperwork on the annuity (which he knew about but I had no clue). so its more calls, more driving around, more stress, more waiting for people to call me back--trying to decide when I should call THEM back and ask what's going on, etc. add to that the fact that there are some other time sensitive things that my brother has been struggling with and I am worried about that too. upshot--I have been slogging along doggedly for months.
now my little brother on the other hand.....he has a big shot job that takes him far away a lot. says he wants to help somehow--which is fine. doesn't help much. I don't communicate with him a lot--when I do he rarely answers my emails. the thing is, to my younger brother I barely exist. its not a hostile thing I don't think--he just doesn't think of me much. he adores my older brother--and while we were close when he was little--something happened and I drifted out of his line of sight.
so older brother sends out an email at the end of the day to both younger brother and I, saying "high fives all around---" and then he goes on to enumerate all the things that got done today. he includes my work calling all the banks and stuff in this memo. my little brothers response?
"way to go, bro!"
it seems small I know, and it is. but its one of those repeating patterns that happens over and over again. each time it drives home the point that for whatever reason--my presence in his life (and I have stepped up to help him several times and listened to him tirelessly over the phone in years past) just isn't real significant. that hurts. and it angers me.
I swallow my anger and act cordial when I see him--I really love my little brother and I wish I was as significant to him as he is to me. but its just not that way.
fortunately I have friends I adore, who also love me, and my older brother and I have become a lot closer during this adventure. and I have rob--who really makes everything else pale by comparison. so on balance there is a lot more on the plus side than the minus.
okay--end of rant.
have a great day everyone!